Title: The Dark Backward
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,566
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go backward in time, to erase some of the mistakes you've made in the past?" Mick asked, leaning his head back on the couch cushions and looking up at the ceiling. "I'd love to have that chance."
"No." Josef's voice was bleak when he answered. "Why would you want to go back, Mick? Everything you've done in the past has brought you to where you are. Where we are. If you changed anything, then we might not be together now."
Mick took a few moments to consider Josef's words, realizing with a shock that his boyfriend was right. If any one part of his past changed, then his road might not have led to where he was now -- and he might not have such a loving, passionate relationship with Josef.
That would be the worst tragedy that he could possibly imagine. Not having Josef in his life as his lover, as well as his best friend and the person he confided in, would be the worst thing that could ever happen to him. He didn't even want to contemplate that.
But he still couldn't get the thought of changing the more disastrous decisions in his life to better ones. If only he had that power, he would go back and erase the years he'd spent with Coraline, and his ridiculous infatuation with that Beth bitch. He would be with Josef from the start.
Would that have happened, though, even if he could go back and make things different? Would he have had the strength and courage to admit back then that he was in love with a man? Would he have been able to live a happy life with Josef?
He wanted to think that he could, but there was no way to know for sure. He might go back and change his decision to be with Coraline, and then find out that doing so had caused some sort of shift in Josef's feelings. He might end up with nothing and no one.
The thought made Mick shiver; he didn't want to contemplate a life without Josef. Especially not an eternal life, where he would yearn after the man he could never have. He would be in the same position that Josef had been in when he was with those two bitches.
Only his situation would last for much, much longer. It was bad enough that he'd put the man he'd always loved through the pain of watching him throw himself away on people who should never have been in his life. But to live that kind of existence for centuries ....
It really didn't bear thinking about, Mick told himself firmly, trying to push the thought away and relegate it to the back of his mind. It wasn't going to happen, after all. He didn't have time machine to take him back into the darkness that had enveloped his life before Josef.
Going back into that darkness was actually a scary thought. He really didn't want to face it again -- even though seeing it from an outsider's perspective might be interesting. He'd never thought of how his actions might have affected others back then.
All he'd been able to see was his own dark obsession with Coraline -- and obsession that had led to what he'd thought had been the great tragedy of his life. He'd never wanted to lose his humanity, to become what he'd always thought of as a horrific monster.
But he'd changed his mind about that since he'd been with Josef. Yes, there were things about his life now that he didn't find particularly pleasant. He hated the fact that he couldn't taste food, that he couldn't enjoy so many of the things that a human could take for granted.
And he hated not being able to cry. That expression of his emotions should have at least been left to him; he should be able to let those tears come out when he felt the need for them, whether it was in joy or in sorrow. That was the loss he felt most acutely.
Though there were some definite advantages to being what he was. If he didn't have his vampiric existence, then he would age and die all too quickly. And he would have to bid his beloved Josef farewell, leave the man he loved to a life of loneliness and desolation.
He couldn't do that to Josef. He couldn't condemn the man he loved to a lonely life over the coming centuries, without being by his side. That was the main reason he was glad that he couldn't go into that dark backward and change his life.
Besides, would it really change for the better? Was it really so bad to live the life that he did now? Being a vampire might not be the ideal existence, but it wasn't such a horrible one, either. There were other things about his existence that he couldn't complain about.
He had incredible strength, speed, and agility. He could help people much more than he would ever have been able to when he was a human. And he had to admit that there were times when he enjoyed being able to exercise those preternatural abilities.
Would he really want to lose the advantages that being a vampire gave him? Was holding on to his humanity and never having been turned, never having been with Coraline, really so important? Because if he hadn't been with her -- then he might not be with Josef now.
Maybe he'd had to go through that horrible adjustment period in his life to find out what he really wanted. Even though it had taken him far too long to realize just how he felt about Josef, without that bad patch, he might never have brought those emotions to light at all.
And what if he had been able to go into that dark backward -- and not have been able to get out again? Would he be stuck in some kind of limbo, some sort of life where he didn't have everything that he called his own now, and yet didn't have his past life either?
That was something else that he didn't want to think about. The thought of being stuck in some kind of limbo, where he could possibly be neither human nor vampire, but just a shade that could only look out at either his former life or the life he could have had, scared him more than anything else.
He didn't want to melt into some dark background that he could never get out of. He wanted to keep his life moving forward -- and he wanted the life that he had with Josef. Nothing could make him go back to what he'd been before this man had become his lover.
That life had been a horror show, in spite of what he'd tried to tell himself at first. From his wedding night, when his former wife had turned him into what he'd seen then as some kind of monster, his life had been a series of missteps that hadn't gone right for a long time.
His life hadn't started to become what he wanted it to be until he'd finally admitted to himself that he loved Josef Kostan. But since that admission had been made, and he'd ripped the blinders away from his eyes, everything had seemed to fall into place.
He wasn't going to let those pieces of his life get shuffled out of place again. And he wasn't going to keep thinking of going back into the past and changing anything about his life, entering that dark backward in a crazy attempt to make his past any different from what it had been.
"Hey, why so serious?" Josef asked, punching him lightly in the arm. "You've been sitting there for almost five minutes now looking like somebody kicked your puppy. I don't know what you're thinking, but you shouldn't be all sad when we're here together."
Mick shook off the melancholy that seemed to be enveloping him, turning towards the other man with a smile. Josef was right; he had no reason to be unhappy. He had escaped that dark backward, and he didn't need to think about what it would be like to go into it.
"i'm just thinking about what it would be like to go into the past and change it -- and then realize that I'd made a mistake doing it," he murmured, shaking his head. "I like the life I have now just fine. I don't want to change anything about it -- not even the hard times that led to where I am now."
"That's not a mistake you'll ever have to worry about making," Josef told him firmly, moving closer to Mick on the couch. As he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, Mick pushed all of his disturbing thoughts to the back of his mind, determined to focus on the present rather than look back.***