Title: Draw of the Cards
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,559
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
"Mick, are you happy with the cards you've drawn?" Josef asked, startling Mick with the sudden question. He looked up with a slight frown crossing his features, wondering why Josef was asking him something like that. He'd thought it was obvious that he enjoyed the life he led.
"What brought this on?" he asked, sitting up on the couch and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, searching Josef's face for an answer. But his boyfriend's features were inscrutable; it was impossible to read the meaning behind his words.
Josef shrugged, looking away from Mick. "Nothing, really. I was just thinking about us moving in together in a few days, and wondering if it's really what you want. I don't want you to feel like you have to move in here just to make me happy if you don't really want to."
"Josef, I want to move in with you," Mick said softly, his gaze focused on his boyfriend's averted profile. "Living with you isn't going to be like losing my freedom. It won't be like living with anybody else. I won't be losing anything. I'll be gaining you."
"I just don't want you to feel like you were pushed into this," Josef murmured, glancing at him again. "I know that I can be overly needy sometimes. But it's because I get lonely, Mick. After four hundred years, I'm at the point where I want to have the person I love being here with me."
"I don't blame you for that," Mick told him, wanting to reach out to his boyfriend but not sure that this was the right time to do so. "When you're pretty much alone for four hundred years except for relationship that you know aren't meant to last, you want something more permanent."
"It's not just that," Josef told him with a sigh, shaking his head. "After living for so long, I've seen so many people I've cared about -- friends and lovers -- age and die that I've kind of shut myself away, and I can't keep doing that. Not if I want to keep living."
Mick was startled by those words; he'd never thought that Josef wanting to have him around more was a question of the other vampire needing him there to hold on to his will to live. He'd known that Josef got lonely, but this was a different concept entirely.
He hadn't thought of the fact that Josef could be so depressed by having people he cared for constantly age and die that his lover might want to end his long existence. That thought should have occurred to him before, but he'd always pushed it away.
"Josef, you wouldn't take your own life just because you're lonely, would you?" he asked, trying his best to keep his voice from trembling. The thought of Josef ending it all, of not having this man in his life any more as anything but a memory, horrified him beyond belief.
"Don't be crazy, Mick." Josef's smile was the one that Mick was used to seeing, that slightly crooked grin that he'd grown to love over the years. "I'm not stupid. I'm not going to off myself just because I'm lonely. Not when there are so many people who can assuage that feeling."
Mick nodded, feeling relief sweep through him. "But there's only one person who you want to do that, I hope," he said softly, feeling a momentary doubt seep into his consciousness. Was this Josef's subtle way of telling him that he wasn't enough?
"I wouldn't want anybody else," Josef said, his gaze meeting Mick's. "What, did you think I meant that you aren't the person I want to be with me?" He laughed, shaking his head and sighing. "Mick, Mick, Mick. When are you going to learn that you're the only one for me?"
Mick couldn't help laughing at the mock-sad note in Josef's voice; relief flooded over him for a second time. He should have known that his boyfriend hadn't meant what he'd mistakenly thought at first. "But you said there are 'so many people' who can assuage that loneliness."
"Yeah, there are millions of people in the world," Josef said with a shrug. "They could make me feel less lonely -- but there's nobody I want doing that but you. So get any idea of me wanting to cat around out of your head. That's not going to happen."
"Does that mean that you're happy with the draw of the cards?" Mick asked, arching an eyebrow. "Is this the life you want, Josef? I know that you've never lived with anyone before. It's got to be a little galling to give up the independence you've had for so long, isn't it?"
Josef thought about the question for a moment before he answered; when he did, his words came out slowly, as though he was measuring them before he spoke. "With anybody else, it'd be hard to do that, yeah. But with you? It just feels like the next natural step for us."
"You're not just moving in with me because you want somebody around to assuage that loneliness, are you?" Mick asked before he could stop himself. He wanted to take the words back the second they were out of his mouth, but it was too late now.
"What?" Josef looked startled, then annoyed. "You don't seriously think that, do you?" he asked, his tone a little deflated. "Mick, if you honestly believe that, then maybe you shouldn't move in with me. I know there are some shallow things about me, but give me more credit than that, okay?"
"I didn't mean that you're shallow," Mick protested, hating himself for having let those words slip out. He knew that he'd managed to hurt Josef; somehow, he always seemed to be far too accomplished at doing that, even when he hadn't meant to.
"I know," Josef sighed, looking regretful. 'I don't know why I jump to conclusions at some of the things you say, Mick. I guess I'm just worried that you aren't happy with the draw of the cards. I worry that you'll end up leaving me one day."
"What?" It was Mick's turn to look startled. "You can't really believe that in your heart, Josef. I'm never going to leave you. I think you know that, and you're just scared to admit it. You don't want to believe that anyone can love you enough to stay with you."
"There's a part of me that does feel like that, I guess," Josef admitted, shrugging. "After over four hundred years of having people leave, you kind of get used to the fact that they eventually will. Even death is a form of being left behind. Maybe I resent it."
"I don't know about that," Mick said, his tone thoughtful. "But I think you feel like everybody's eventually going to leave you, either being taken by death or leaving of their own choice. And it's hard for you to get used to the fact that I'm not going to do that."
"So that means you're happy with the way things are, right?" Josef asked, sounding doubtful. "You never did answer that question flat out, Mick. Just a yes or a no. That's all I need to hear. And if it's no, I need to know what makes you unhappy so I can try to change it."
Mick couldn't help but smile at the worry in his boyfriend's voice; he stood up, going over to where Josef sat and pulling the other man to his feet into a hug. He wanted to keep Josef in his arms forever, to never let him go, to stand here holding him for all eternity.
"You don't ever have to worry about me not being happy with you, Josef," he whispered into his lover's ear, holding Josef close against him. "I couldn't be happy without you. I'm perfectly satisfied with the draw of the cards. I wouldn't have wanted them to come out any other way."
"Neither would I," Josef murmured, his breath warm against Mick's cheek. "If things hadn't turned out this way, you can bet your life I'd be working behind the scenes to change them. I've always wanted to be with you, Mick. Ever since we first met. So I couldn't be happier with the hand we've been dealt."
"There couldn't have been a better hand dealt to me, as far as I'm concerned," Mick murmured, brushing his lips across Josef's hair. "I get to be with the man I love for all eternity. What could be better than that? It's a winning hand all around, I'd say."
Josef's answering smile made his heart swell, and left him in no doubt that his lover felt the same .As their lips met, Mick couldn't help feeling that he had indeed laid out a winning hand -- and that if they played their cards right, they'd have even more in their future.***