Title: Cry Like This
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,657
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Mick awakened slowly, one arm moving to his side automatically, reaching for Josef. His eyes flew open when he realized that Josef wasn't there; he sat up in bed, his gaze searching the room, his heart feeling as though it had leapt into his throat.

It only took his vampiric sight moments to adjust to the dim light; once it did, he could see that Josef was standing by the window, pulling back the curtains to look out at the awakening city. Mick couldn't see the expression on his face, but he could sense Josef's melancholy.

What would his boyfriend be sad about? Mick searched his memory for any reason why this would be a day that could put that sort of an expression on his lover's face; something stirred in the back of his mind, and as hie mind groped for the reason, it burst into his consciousness.

This was the anniversary of Sarah's death. It was no wonder that there was a heaviness in the air, the sensation of buried grief all around him. She had meant a lot to Josef; she was his first love, and Mick knew from experience how it felt to let that go.

Had he ever felt that way? He hadn't when Coraline had "died" for the first time; he'd felt nothing but relief to have her out of his life, though there had been a part of him that had been sorry she had been the way she was, and that they had ended so violently.

And he certainly hadn't felt that about any of his other relationships. There had been nothing but a sense of profound relief when all of them were over; even the one that he had mistakenly thought would be his second great love had inspired nothing but relief when it was finished.

Josef had given his heart to Sarah -- and he still felt guilty for his own part in her demise. Mick had tried time and time again to tell his boyfriend that it hadn't been his fault, but he knew that mere words, even coming from him, would never be able to assuage Josef's guilt.

His lover was motionless in front of the window, looking out at the dawning of a new day, at the city that was just starting to awaken and come to life. Mick's eyes took him in, moving over the slender naked form as though he was seeing Josef for the first time.

He could almost sense the sadness emanating from his boyfriend; that wasn't unusual, though, since he seemed to have some kind of sixth sense when it came to Josef Kostan. He knew when the other man was upset, troubled, angry, happy -- any emotion that welled up strongly in him.

Throwing back the covers, Mick got out of bed silently, crossing the room to stand behind Josef. He slid both arms around the other man's waist, letting Josef lean back against him, offering him silent comfort. He didn't know what to say; maybe it was best not to say anything.

"I wish I could cry," Josef whispered, his voice barely audible even to Mick's preternatural hearing. "I've wanted to cry for her for so long -- and I can't. I couldn't cry when I thought I'd lost you to that Beth bitch, either. I hate not being able to shed tears."

"Most humans would say that you're lucky not to be able to cry," Mick told him, his voice soft, brushing a kiss across the top of Josef's head and pulling him closer. "Tears can be a real pain sometimes. Don't you remember that from being human?"

"I can't remember much about how it felt to be human," Josef answered, his voice still barely above a whisper. "I remember the last night -- but that's not something I want to look back on. It wasn't exactly a stellar moment of my human life."

Mick shook his head, wishing that he hadn't reminded Josef of that night. Somehow, he always seemed to manage to open his mouth and insert his foot -- all the way up to his hip. Josef was already obviously on the verge of tears -- if he could cry. And he was only making it worse.

Josef turned in his arms, resting his forehead against Mick's shoulder. Mick was disconcerted to realize that his boyfriend was crying -- no tears were rolling down his cheeks, but he was sobbing softly, the sound coming from him if not the tears.

There were times when he wished that he could cry, too -- but he didn't have nearly as much to cry about as Josef did. His lost humanity? That was nothing compared to all that Josef had lost over the years since he'd been turned -- and even the years before.

It was strange to realize that Josef was letting down his guard enough to cry like this in front of him. Mick had never realized that Josef trusted him to this extent, that he could allow himself to be so vulnerable in front of Mick, that the other man could break down in his arms.

But here was the proof -- Josef was leaning against him, sobbing into his shoulder, his arms tightening around Mick as though he couldn't stand up on his own. Mick didn't know what to do, other than to hold him close and stroke his hair, comforting the other man in any way he could.

"I'm sorry," Josef managed to say, choking back a sob. "I didn't mean to break down like this. I didn't. I just .... this isn't an easy day for me. Even though you mean more to me than she ever could, it's still hard to face the guilt of what I did to her."

"It wasn't your fault, Josef," Mick whispered, shaking his head. "You couldn't have known that the turning wouldn't work. Some people just don't have the strength to cross over to this life. You've said that yourself. She couldn't make it. That's not your fault."

"If I hadn't listened to her, and hadn't brought her over in the first place, then she'd still be alive," Josef whispered, another sob breaking form his throat. "She'd be older, yeah, but she wouldn't have spent most of her life in a coma that she never woke up from. That is my fault."

Mick knew that it was useless to try and convince Josef otherwise; he'd been carrying this guilt for so long that it seemed like a part of him now. Maybe one day he'd be able to let it go -- but that pain was too close to the surface, the grief too fresh.

"If she was still here, then you might not be with me," Mick whispered, the words coming out before he could stop them. "If she hadn't been in a coma, we wouldn't be together, Josef. I can't say that I'm glad -- but I think you need to stop blaming yourself for finding happiness."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" Josef asked, raising his head from Mick's shoulder and looking the other man in the eye. "I don't. I'm not feeling guilty because I'm happy with you. She would have wanted me to be happy, no matter who I was with."

"Then why are you crying like this?" Mick asked, keeping his voice gentle. He wanted Josef to face the fact that what had happened to Sarah wasn't his fault. He wanted his boyfriend to be able to push that regret out of his life, to move forward and leave the past where it belonged.

"Because I feel guilty over causing that to happen to her -- and finding out that I didn't love her in the way that I thought I did," Josef whispered, gulping. "I loved her -- but not in the same way that I love you. Not forever. What I felt for her wasn't even close."

"That's nothing to feel guilty about," Mick soothed him, wishing that Josef could let go of all the guilt he felt. It was past time for that guilt to fall away; if only it was possible for Josef to cry, to literally wash those guilty feelings away and be refreshed and free of the past.

But that obviously wasn't going to happen soon. So much guilt couldn't simply be washed away, even if Josef had the luxury of tears. He would just have to be patient -- and love this man enough to deal with the fact that parts of his past might always burden him.

"Shhh, sweetheart." Mick tried his best to soothe the other man, moving both of them slowly back to the bed. "You don't have to cry like this, but you can if you want to. I'll hold you as long as you need it." It was all that he knew to do, the only way to offer comfort.

He'd expected Josef to reject that comfort, to say that he was all right and that he didn't need to be held. Instead, the other man burrowed into his arms, letting Mick lay him down on the bed and pull the covers over the two of them, making sure that Josef was comfortable.

Josef didn't say another word; he merely curled up next to Mick, sliding his arms around his boyfriend's waist and holding on to him. Mick returned the gesture, gathering Josef close to him and stroking his hair, pressing gentle kisses to his lips.

He could almost taste the saltiness of tears that had never been.

***