Title: Decision
By: nancy
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Olivia makes a decision to go after Alex and discover if her feelings are returned

***

If it weren't for the pictures she had, Olivia would've thought that she'd imagined Alexandra Cabot's very existence. No one spoke of her anymore. No one had spoken about her in a very long time. Life had gone on without her, as it always did, without those who no longer took part in it. Well, not in the same life, anyhow. To all intents and purposes, Alex Cabot was dead. In actuality, she was under witness protection until the deaths of certain people in the drug cartel came about.

Staring at her ceiling in the dark bedroom, Olivia wondered where Alex was and what she was doing. Was she in the same time zone, or clear across the country? Had she made a new life for herself with new friends and a new job? If so, what were they like? Was she happy?

God, I hope so, Olivia thought with a sigh.

It was bad enough that Olivia was miserable, she sincerely hoped that Alex was happy. It was a year later and she was just as alone now, as that night. More really, since Elliot hadn't let her out of his sight that night, or the next, after the 'funeral.' Glancing at the clock which now read 12:04am, she thought, A year exactly since you were taken from me, Alex. I don't know how much longer I can do this without you, sweetie.

And yet she didn't have a choice. People depended on her. Even if she had a clue as to where Alex was hiding out, it wasn't possible for her to just pick up and leave. She had a duty to perform, cold comfort though that was at times like this. Elliot was home with his family, as flawed as it was, and Olivia envied him keenly, this time of night. Hell, she envied him almost all the time when these thoughts came on her.

Things that could have been.

Things that should have been.

Her life, gone awry before she'd been able to figure out that there was more between Alex and herself than simple friendship.

Well it took you long enough to figure out, she thought, scathing. You only had three years with her before it happened.

Shifting restlessly on her bed, Olivia struggled vainly to quiet her thoughts, but knew that it wasn't going to happen. Not tonight, of all nights. She thought about George's offer to find a place to talk, from earlier in the day, before shrugging it off. She didn't need to talk about this with anyone, let alone a shrink. He was more a friend than not, but still a shrink.

Not that he'd betray what she said to him to anyone...

Olivia shook her head emphatically and said aloud, "No. I am not calling him."

Looking at the clock again showed that it was all of 12:07am.

Groaning, Olivia pushed up in her bed and reached for the phone.

*  *  *  *

Olivia stirred the coffee absently, staring into the mug with single-minded focus. She blocked out everything around her; the noises from waitresses' chatting, young people out all night because it was a Saturday, traffic from the door that kept opening and closing. The diner was busy, even at one in the morning; probably more so at that time, thanks to the shows that had been let out shortly before.

"This seat taken?"

Looking up at George's soft question, Olivia managed a wan smile and motioned for him to sit.

He caught the waitress' gaze and she came over with, "What can I get you?"

"Just hot tea, thanks," George replied.

Olivia almost grinned at the woman's irritated expression that said, 'Big tippers...not,' but her lips couldn't quite finish the movement. She sighed briefly and looked back down at her coffee to mutter, "Thanks for coming."

"It's no problem."

And the words were sincere, like all of George's words were. Glancing back up at him, Olivia tried to figure out what to say, now that she'd dragged him out of bed at one in the morning on a weekend. Not the best at expressing deep feelings under normal circumstances, Olivia was pretty sure that George was going to have to drag them out of her, even though she'd called him. He was the only one, outside of Elliot, that knew Alex was alive and that was only because of one other night she hadn't been able to remain alone...Alex's birthday.

"Are you okay?" George asked softly.

Olivia did smile at that, just a twitch of the lips, and answered, "No, no I'm not."

The waitress came back, setting the tea cup and pot in front of George before striding away to patrons who might actually order something that came to more than two bucks. Olivia allowed herself to be distracted by the diner for a few extra seconds, taking in everything at a scan, an automatic survival trait developed over the years.

"Did I tell you that one of my lovers was killed in a hit and run, years back?"

Startled by the revelation, Olivia's eyes flashed to George and found the echo of old, familiar pain in the dark eyes. Shaking her head, Olivia said, "No, you didn't. I'm sorry."

"Thank you," he replied, smiling faintly. "I only mention it because I understand how anniversaries of loss can be more painful, sometimes, than the loss itself. You find yourself questioning if you're doing right by that person, moving on with your life. Maybe you think you don't deserve to be happy without them. It can hold you back, confine you to a life only half lived, guilting you in a way that the living never can."

Olivia swallowed hard against a tight throat and returned to staring at her coffee. "Alex and I...you know we were never...we never got to that stage."

"But it was heading that way?"

"Yeah. I mean, it seemed that way to me, anyhow. You know Alex. She's...she was hard to pin down, if she didn't want to commit to something," Olivia reminded.

George smiled at that and agreed fondly, "She was very difficult to pin down. She was very good at her job and applied all those defensive and offensive techniques to her personal life, I'm sure."

"Were the two of you good friends?" Olivia asked, suddenly curious.

Shrugging, George answered, "Not as much as I'd have liked. I admired her drive and her strength, but there just never seemed to be enough time to pursue a personal relationship with her."

Olivia snorted. "Tell me about it."

He chuckled and observed, "The two of you probably saw more of each other during working hours, than you ever would have outside of the office."

"Probably."

They were silent for a few minutes as George steeped his tea and Olivia absently stirred her coffee.

And then the words were out of her mouth before she could censor them...

"I'm going to find her."

George went still for a long moment, then gave her a considering look. "How?"

"I'm a cop, I'll find a way," Olivia replied.

Lips pursed, George didn't say anything else as he blew on the tea to cool the steaming liquid and thought about her words. He finally questioned, "Why?"

"Because I can't live like this anymore," Olivia stated. "I can't go on four hours of sleep a night while spending the rest of the time thinking and worrying about her. The only time I get a good night's sleep is when I exhaust myself at the gym after a double. And that's only if I'm lucky enough not to get called in early the next morning."

"What about sleeping pills?"

"It's not about that."

"Then what's it about?"

"I love her." Olivia blinked at him in surprise when she realized what she'd said, but knew it was true. She repeated, quieter, "I love her, and I don't want to go on living half a life without her. Alex isn't dead. I have the choice to be with her."

"What if she's safer without you?" George pointed out.

Olivia sighed, scowling at the coffee, and agreed, "She probably is. And she might not even feel the same for me, as I do for her. I just...I need to hear from her lips what she's thinking, what she's feeling. I need...I have to know."

George was again silent, sipping at his tea as he thought her words over, then asked, "Where will you start?"

"You're not going to try and talk me out of it?" Olivia asked, suspicious.

His lips twisted in a brief smile, but it didn't last. "Did you want me to?"

She sighed, deliberately setting aside the spoon, answering, "I don't know. Maybe. Do you..."

George waited, and she had to give him points for patience. Of course, he was patient with everyone, not just cops on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Finally, Olivia finished, "Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

"I don't know if it's right or not, Olivia, that isn't something I'm qualified to judge," he replied gently. "I do know that if I had the chance to be with the person I loved, I would do everything in my power to make it happen. You have to weigh the consequences of your actions. You'll be leaving a job you love, work that challenges and fulfills you, that helps those who are otherwise defenseless. You'll leave behind friends who think the world of you, and your entire support system. You'll be going into an unknown situation and might not even find what you're looking for when you get there."

Olivia huffed in dark amusement and asked, "Are you for the prosecution, or defense?"

He smiled in return, answering, "I'm in your corner, Olivia, I always have been. I just want you to be sure that you've thought of all the potential problems you could encounter, instead of just tearing off, half-cocked. Not that you've been known to do that in the past."

His light teasing had the apparently desired affect of lightening her mood enough to chuckle dryly. "Me? Never."

Reaching across the table, George's smile increased just a bit as he said firmly, "I'm your friend, and I'll miss you, but I wouldn't hold you back from something this important. I don't think you should let fear do that, either. You never have in the past, so why start now?"

Olivia nodded slowly and covered his hand with her own. "Thank you."

Wistful, as if wishing for the same chance that she was taking, he replied, "You're welcome."

*  *  *  *

If Elliot noticed anything strange about her behavior over the next few weeks, he didn't mention it. Olivia did her job the best she could, same as always, but left as soon as was humanly possible when the shift was over. Fin asked who was keeping her away so much and Munch made a few dry, amused comments about after-hours activities, but Elliot didn't say a word.

That alone was enough to let Olivia know that he suspected something.

The investigation itself went nowhere, fast, until she got a break almost a month later. A techie that she'd bonded with on a child porn case a couple of years earlier called her at home for a meet, leaving a harried message that he had some hot intel for her. Deleting the message and grabbing her leather jacket, Olivia headed out only to find Elliot on her doorstep, hand poised to knock.

Startled, she just stood there a moment before asking, "Elliot? Something wrong?"

"That's funny, I was going to ask you the same thing," Elliot countered.

"No, everything's fine."

"Doesn't look like it. You're dressed to kill."

And he didn't mean in a party-going way, either, she knew. His quick glance had caught her ankle and shoulder holsters in their proper places. The vaguely accusing tone got to her more than an outright demand to be let in on whatever was going on ever would have.

"I have to meet an informant."

"I'll go with you."

"No, Elliot, I have to go alone."

"Why?"

"Because I do."

Arms crossing stubbornly over his chest, Elliot stated, "I'm not going anywhere, until you tell me what's going on. If it's dangerous, then I should be with you, watching your back. Partner."

Olivia winced faintly at the pointed last word. "It's not dangerous. I'm just getting some information."

"Liv, come on. Let me in," he asked, blue eyes as close to pleading as they could ever get. "Tell me what's going on here."

Torn, wanting to keep him out of it and wanting his help, Olivia finally settled on, "It's Alex."

Surprise skittered across his face and he exclaimed, "Alex? What about her? Is she okay?"

"I don't know. A CI of mine has information about her and I'm going there now to get it," she admitted.

Elliot stared at her for a few seconds before saying, more than asking, "You're going after her."

Since there was no real point in denying it, Olivia confirmed, "Yeah."

"Just like that."

"Well no, not just like that. It's taken me a month to get this far."

Shaking his head in clear disbelief, Elliot stated, "You're crazy, you know that?"

A smirk shifted over Olivia's face as she replied, "And you're going to help me, aren't you?"

"Yeah, well, I'm certifiable too, don't forget. It's official and everything."

*  *  *  *

Officially certifiable or not, Elliot was the person Olivia trusted most with her life. Fin and Munch and Cragen were next on the list, but none of them would understand. Well, maybe Cragen would. He'd never remarried after his wife's death. Elliot was still in love with love and even if her loving Alex wasn't something he really got, he supported her decision to go after the 'lost' ADA.

Which was why they were entering an abandoned warehouse at two a.m., guns drawn, sans any official sanction. As a matter of fact, if the Feds caught wind of what she'd been doing, Olivia's ass would jump right from the frying pan, into the fire. She'd be suspended so fast that her head would swim, and Cragen wouldn't be able to stop it. Olivia knew how many times their Captain had gone up against the Feds and won, but this wouldn't be one of those times.

Stalking silently through the huge, cluttered room, Olivia kept to Elliot's right, as she always did. They moved fluidly together, patterns honed from years of being partners. Knowing what he was going to do before he did it had become an instinct and saved her life more than once. Just as it had saved his, having a 'cop's telepathy' about what she was going to do. That sixth sense really did come in handy.

They came abruptly on a bastion of light in the dark and it took a few precious seconds for her eyes to adjust. It was one massive computer station, with multiple monitors and keyboards set into the wall. Sitting in the center of it was Cooper, a young man whose sister had fallen victim to a pedophile that liked to film what he did to his victims, then post it online. They'd gotten to know each other over the last couple of years, as she did the families of a number of her cases that didn't end well.

"Cooper."

He jumped visibly at her soft statement of his name and spun the chair around to glare at her. "Jesus, Libby, don't sneak up on a guy like that!"

Half-smiling, she holstered her gun and walked the rest of the way to him, replying, "Sorry. You worried me with that message, thought there might be something wrong," and slapping him upside the back of the head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Libby?"

He smirked a little. "Olivia. Happy?"

"Ecstatic."

Cooper nodded to Elliot and greeted, "Hey, Det. Stabler. How's it going?"

"Pretty good, Cooper, thanks," Elliot replied, also putting his weapon away.

Turning his attention back to Olivia, Cooper explained, "I was rushed, not in trouble, when I left the message. Didn't mean to freak you like that. Sorry."

She waved it aside and asked, "What do you have for me?"

At that, he grinned broadly and motioned her closer. "I got the motherload. You're gonna love this! Your girl's hanging out in Las Vegas, of all places. She's doing social work. Very not glamorous, and seriously lacking in the funds, but totally legit. Goes by the name Alex Whitfield now."

Las Vegas? Olivia wondered in surprise. "Sounds a little too high-profile to me."

Elliot pointed out, "People are less likely to make mistakes by keeping their lives similar to what they had before going into hiding."

"I know but, Las Vegas?" Olivia questioned.

"Why not go from Bright Lights, Big City, to Sin City? More neon and hotter, but not all that different otherwise," Cooper replied, grinning. "I also found out that she's on a rotating schedule. The Feds only check on her once a month, though I'm sure she's got a contact in case something goes wrong."

"Thanks, Cooper, I owe you big time."

Serious, Cooper shook his head and replied, "You don't owe me squat. I haven't even started paying you back for what you did."

A little embarrassed, Olivia said, "Well, you take care of yourself, okay? Stay out of trouble. And say hi to Maryanne for me."

"I will. Go get your girl, Olivia," Cooper ordered, smiling again.

Feeling ridiculously giddy at the prospect of seeing Alex again, Olivia nodded and started walking towards the exit, Elliot falling into step beside her.

*  *  *  *

They sat in the car outside Elliot's home as the sun rose. Neither spoke, just resting comfortably in the silence that had always said more than the words between them. Seeing movement inside the windows that told her the family was up and getting ready for the day, Olivia looked at her partner and said simply, "Thanks."

"You going to come back, if things don't turn out how you're hoping?" Elliot questioned.

Not really needing to think about it, since she'd already done so to death, Olivia answered, "Not right away. I think I'll take a look around the country for a while first. See the things I always wanted to see."

"You're okay for cash to do that?"

Just like a Dad, she thought fondly, giving him a smile as she said, "Yes. I'm all set for cash."

He moved in then, pressing his lips, lingering, to her temple. His fingers carded through her hair, holding her in place, and Olivia sighed deeply, leaning on him. She would miss this, this closeness with him, knowing that he would always be there for her as others never had.

"Take care," he murmured against her skin.

And with that, he was gone, climbing out of the car before she could respond. Olivia watched as he strode across the street and entered his house, vanishing from view. The story of her life.

Not anymore, she thought firmly, turning on the engine and pulling into traffic. Now she was going after what she wanted and God help anyone who stood in her way.

*  *  *  *

Just in case anyone was keeping an eye on her, Olivia purchased five different sets of tickets under her own name, none of them going to Las Vegas. She bought a connecting flight from Colorado to Las Vegas under her assumed name, Olivia Redding. Munch's paranoid influence over the years had finally paid off. It was an identity that she'd put together over six months ago, long before she'd thought of joining Alex.

Well, long before she'd consciously thought of it, anyhow.

Once in Colorado, she would dye her hair a darker color, use some of that bronzing lotion that washed off, and adorn a pair of glasses, along with a nice, professional skirt-suit that was sure to drive her nuts.

Waiting at La Guardia for her flight, which didn't leave for over an hour, Olivia logged onto an internet café to compose her letter of resignation. It was just about the hardest thing she had to do, deserting Cragen like this, but there was no real choice. If, when she got there, Alex did want her to stay, the Feds would be informed, but none of her old coworkers would, Olivia knew. And if Alex didn't want her around, well, she wouldn't be in any real shape to get back to work right away anyhow.

 

To: D.Cragen@NYPD.SVU.GOV

From: O.Benson@NYPD.SVU.GOV

Subj: Letter of Resignation

 

            Captain Cragen,

I just wanted to say that my time in SVU was one of the most challenging and fulfilling career choices that I could ever have made. Working with you and the rest of the squad was an honor and a privilege.

It is with deep regret that I tender my resignation, for personal reasons. I hope you understand that it has nothing to do with the work, or anyone I work with. All of you are like a second family to me and it pains me to leave, but I must.

I don't know if this will be a permanent situation yet. I hope, if fate allows, that I can one day return to New York and SVU, and that you would welcome me back at that time. I sincerely apologize for the lack of notice and hardship that my leaving will cause.

Thank you for all your support and help since I joined the team. You are a wonderful man and I hope one day that we can meet again.

Yours very truly,

Olivia Benson

 

Olivia looked the short email over, but couldn't think of anything else to add. She really did feel bad about leaving without notice, but that could not be helped. Her finger hovered over the mouse for a long time, but ultimately pressed the 'send' button to watch the email vanish. Fortunately, her flight was called then, distracting her from the guilt she felt at leaving her friends in the lurch like she was doing.

Striding towards the gate with her lone overnight bag, Olivia waited in line to get on the plane that would, hopefully, start her journey to a new life.

*  *  *  *

That feeling of being watched again set the hairs on the back of Alex's neck to rising. Careful to keep her eyes on the paper for a few extra seconds, she lowered it to pick up her tea cup and leaned back in the café chair, as if taking a break from the news. Scanning the outdoor section of the small restaurant showed nothing out of the ordinary, but this was the third time that she'd felt like someone was watching her and, if nothing else, she'd learned to trust her instincts over the years.

Or, rather, Olivia had taught her to do so.

Thoughts of the dark-haired detective were frequent, even when there wasn't potential danger. Olivia had been a substantial part of her life, before going into the witness protection plan, her best friend, as a matter of fact. Even over a year later, Olivia was usually the first thing on her mind when she woke, and the last thing she thought of when she went to sleep. Wondering how the other woman was doing, if she was happy, how she was handling the job...all of that and more.

Alex picked up her cell phone to call the emergency contact number when someone quietly called her name. Freezing in place, she couldn't at first believe that she'd really heard Olivia's voice.

"Alex, it's me."

Swallowing convulsively, Alex finally turned her head towards the voice and found Olivia standing only a couple of feet away. She looked exactly the same, save for some added lines around the eyes and corners of the mouth. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt in deference to the heat, Olivia showed no other concession to her environment, her traditional leather jacket draped over a forearm.

"Whoa, Alex, easy now," Olivia exclaimed softly, rushing forward to grab her shoulder.

Alex shook off the shock and straightened up, embarrassment heating through her, that emotion had caused such a strong reaction. She pulled free from the light grip and glared at Olivia, snapping, "What are you doing here!?"

A wry smile surfaced on Olivia's face as she replied, "Nice to see you too, Counselor."

"Olivia!" Alex exclaimed, struggling to keep her voice down.

The smile slid into a grin and dark eyes glinted humorously as she took the seat beside Alex.  "So I hear they've got some good shows around here. Bet it's not nearly as good as the stuff you can see on Broadway."

A reluctant grin tried to escape, but Alex firmly banished it and bequeathed a stern look at the other woman as she said, "You shouldn't be here! How did you find me? Why are you here?"

"You have some time to talk?"

Glancing at her watch, Alex saw that she had another half-hour before she was due back in the office. Then she mentally smacked herself. What the hell are you thinking, going back into the office when Olivia is sitting right across from you?

"I don't want to disturb your routine," Olivia continued. "I know how important that is in this kind of situation."

Which was true, but...

"No, it's okay. I'll call in with food poisoning," Alex said, half-smiling.

Olivia flashed her that familiar, heart-stopping grin and said, "Why Alex, I think this town is influencing you. Playing hooky?"

Alex couldn't stop herself from grinning back, she'd never been able to resist that particular grin of Olivia's, but she did manage to keep it short. No reason to let Olivia think that she was a push-over, after all.

Even if she was.

"Something like that."

All during the call to her supervisor, and how irritating was it that she had a supervisor to this degree after so many years of calling the shots, Alex could barely focus on what she was saying. The heated look in Olivia's eyes kept throwing her off. Which, actually, probably helped convince her supervisor that she really wasn't herself.

Finally hanging up, Alex said, "All set. Why don't we go to my house?"

"No, how about my hotel room?" Olivia countered. "I assume they're still watching you there."

"Even if they are, what's the worst they can do?" Alex pointed out.

Olivia snorted. "Arrest me for reckless endangerment. Yours, remember?"

Smiling a bit, Alex questioned, "And prosecute you where?"

Olivia paused for a second, thinking it over, then snorted again and grinned, saying, "This town is corrupting you, Alex. You were devious before, but now you're downright sneaky."

"Only for a good cause," Alex assured her, taking a twenty from her purse and setting it on the table. "Shall we go?"

Standing, Olivia reached out and pulled the chair out for Alex as she stood. That brought them into very close proximity and Alex's mouth went dry as she stared into the dark eyes she'd been dreaming about for so long. All it would take was a tiny little movement forward and their lips would meet in a first kiss.

A car backfired a few seconds later, interrupted the intimate moment. Olivia shoved Alex against the nearest wall, covering her protectively. Shaken, both by Olivia's instant reaction and the almost-kiss, Alex rubbed her hand over the one tightly gripping her hip, soothing, "It's okay, Olivia, it's nothing."

Olivia pulled away, flushing slightly as she noticed the other patrons staring at them and muttered, "Sorry."

But Alex smiled, feeling much more in control of herself and the situation, and said warmly, "Let's go."

Meeting her gaze, Olivia's lips quirked into a brief smile. "Lead the way, Counselor."

*  *  *  *

It didn't take a long time to get to Alex's home outside Las Vegas proper in one of the many suburban neighborhoods. Most of the houses looked the same, with the occasional breakout of color amidst the taupe and tan. Olivia's rental car pulled up behind her own car and Alex took a moment to calm down. The drive had given her far too much time to think about why the detective had come, about what might happen when they got inside the house, about so many different possibilities that her life could take.

Picking up her bag, she exited the car and met up with Olivia in the driveway, then headed for the house without a word. Alex wasn't all that sure that she could say anything without sounding like a complete idiot, and so retreated to the safety of silence. Once inside, she dropped her bag on the table by the door and continued on into the living room.

There, she hesitated and faced Olivia, asking, "Did you want something to drink? I could get you something. Ah, ice tea, ice water, soda?"

Olivia smiled briefly, as if sensing her need for space, and replied, "Sure. Ice tea sounds good."

"Coming right up," Alex promised, hurrying to the kitchen.

As she pulled the ice tea from the fridge, Olivia called from the other room, "Nice place, Alex."

"Thanks," Alex called back, pouring two glasses. She took a moment to try and think about what was happening, and then two strong arms slipped around her waist. Olivia pressed up behind her, resting her chin on Alex's shoulder.

It was...like coming home.

Sighing deeply, Alex leaned back in Olivia's arms and said softly, "Hi."

Olivia chuckled and murmured in her ear, "Hi yourself. Why don't you relax a little? I'm not going to bite, I promise."

With a snort, Alex muttered, "What if I want you to?"

"Then we can arrange something," Olivia answered, humor redolent in her voice. "In the meantime, I missed you. Let's sit down somewhere and talk."

Nodding, Alex turned in Olivia's arms and looked into dark eyes that were so warm and open. That, in itself, was much different than she remembered. Olivia had always been one to hide her deeper emotions, never wearing them on her sleeve like this. That was when she realized just how alone the other woman had been for the past year and more.

Not stopping to think, as she always did, Alex just leaned up and kissed soft lips, keeping contact just for a few moments. Pulling back, she found a tender expression on Olivia's face and assured her, "I missed you, too, Olivia."

They each grabbed a glass and went into the living room, settling comfortably on the sofa. Alex pulled her legs up under her as she leaned against Olivia, resting her cheek to the other woman's shoulder. It was so easy and relaxed, felt so right, that she couldn't believe that they hadn't gotten together before.

"This is nice," Olivia murmured, kissing her temple.

Alex chuckled and said, "I was just thinking that."

"So how have you been?" Olivia asked. "Settled in okay? Do you like it here?"

Shrugging, Alex replied, "It's all right. It's not New York."

"No, I wouldn't think so. Better? Worse?"

"Both, I suppose. No memories to clutter the mind, but conversely..."

"No memories to clutter the mind?" Olivia finished, smiling at her.

Alex smiled back at her and nodded. "Yes, exactly. This place is so...glittery and loud, it puts Broadway to shame. Kind of like a cross between Broadway and the Red Light district. But I also don't have to think about every child molester and rapist and sadistic murderer I ever came across when I cross a street corner."

"Always a plus," Olivia agreed softly. "Do you have many friends here?"

Shrugging, Alex answered, "I have acquaintances, but no one I've really become friends with."

"Even after a year?"

"You're a hard act to follow. All of you. SVU was like a family to me," Alex told her, just as quiet.

Nuzzling the side of her throat, Olivia said, "Same here, Alex. You...your leaving was like this hole inside me. We were all off-kilter, for a long time. Casey might be able to do your job, but she'll never replace you."

"Casey...?"

"Novak."

Alex laughed softly as she bared her throat for further exploration, shivering lightly at the tongue that teased just under her ear.

"You know her?"

"Yes," Alex confirmed, then changed the subject by shifting so that she straddled Olivia's lap. Resting her hands on Olivia's shoulders, she said, "I don't really want to talk about Casey Novak right now, though."

Grinning up at her, Olivia asked, "Oh yeah? What do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing much," Alex murmured, leaning down to kiss her.

It was a slow, wet kiss, a confirmation and exploration of everything that had gone before and been missed, as well. Olivia's hands rubbed over the small of Alex's back, nails scraping lightly through the fabric of her blouse. Shivering at the sensation, Alex deepened the kiss even further, inviting her new lover's tongue into her mouth and groaning when her invitation was accepted. Those hands turned into arms and she was pulled tight to Olivia, before being flipped onto her back on the sofa.

Gasping into the kiss, which never stopped, Alex shuddered in arousal at the other woman's casual display of strength. Olivia was no body-builder by any stretch, but she was a lot stronger than Alex and easily pinned her in place while devouring her mouth. Not that Alex had any plans to go anywhere in the near future. She was more than happy to stay right where she was.

A hand cupped her breast, thumb brushing across the nipple to harden it further and Alex quickly tugged Olivia's t-shirt up, running her hands over the warm, bare flesh. Unlatching the bra, she moved her hands to hold Olivia's breasts, squeezing them gently, not sure how much Olivia might like them played with.

Finally breaking off the kiss, flushed and licking her lips, Olivia exclaimed, "Bed! You've got a bed here, right?"

Alex laughed, carefree and happy for the first time in too long. Nodding, she answered, "If you get off me, I can show you where it is."

Uttering a slightly embarrassed chuckle, Olivia sat up and looked down at her for a long moment, an odd smile playing about her lips.

"What?" Alex questioned, frowning.

Olivia shook her head and captured her hands, bringing them up to kiss the palms. "Nothing. Just...taking a mental picture."

A little worried, Alex asked, "Are you planning to go somewhere?"

The answer was an emphatic, "No. Definitely not."

Alex laced her fingers with Olivia's, bringing them down to her heart, which was pounding from the sudden spurt of fear. "Good. Because I don't think I can live without you again, Olivia."

"Oh sweetie," Olivia murmured, bending down for a soft, gentle kiss.

She suddenly remembered hearing that endearment through a fog of pain as she'd lain of a sidewalk, a bullet in her shoulder. Alex remembered the panic in Olivia's voice at the time, how she'd begged for Alex to stay with her, hands clamped down tight on the bleeding wound. Eyes widening, Alex whispered, "You saved my life!"

Olivia flushed a little and shook her head. "The EMTs did that. I just..."

"You saved my life," Olivia overrode, louder. Astonished, she continued, "How could I have forgotten?"

"It was a trauma, Alex, anyone would block it out," Olivia assured her.

Sitting up, Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist and pressed her face to the hollow of her throat. "I shouldn't have left you behind. I should have taken you with me."

Olivia sighed shakily and held on just as tight as she replied, "I wish you had, but I'm here now, sweetie, and I'm not leaving you again."

The steely vow would not be refuted and Alex relaxed a little at hearing it, though she didn't move away. "Thank you for coming after me."

"You're welcome," Olivia murmured back. She nibbled on Alex's ear and asked, "Now how about that bed?"

Alex laughed out loud and tugged her ear free to find a broad grin on Olivia's face as the woman tried to leer at her. That, naturally, only increased her merriment and Alex collapsed back on the sofa, giggling helplessly. She didn't resist when Olivia pulled her up from the sofa and again into her arms. Sliding her arm around the other woman's waist, Alex led her down the hall, to the bedroom.

It was definitely time to start her new life.

Their new life.

*  *  *  *

The house was a lot like Alex; simple and elegant, with subtle shadings and accents that someone might miss at first. The bedroom was comfortable and luxurious, without being overly rich at first sight. Olivia, however, was far more taken with watching Alex undress, than checking out her surroundings. It wasn't a deliberate striptease, but it may as well have been, considering how glued to the sight Olivia was.

Flushing a little, Alex complained, "I'm not the only one who needs to get undressed, you know."

Olivia grinned and answered easily, "Yeah, but there's nothing exciting about watching me strip. You, on the other hand...wow...Alex...you're gorgeous."

A fond smile surfaced as Alex protested, "You're beautiful, Olivia, I've always thought so."

Surprised, Olivia asked, "You did?"

Stepping close to the bed so that she stood between Olivia's knees, Alex kneaded her shoulders and said, "I did. Still do. These eyes are so exotic and show so much to me. Your lips have always been what tempted me most. And your body, well, you know you've got a great body."

Olivia shrugged, self-conscious, as she tried to shift the focus back on Alex with, "Maybe, but you're pure gold, sweetie, so beautiful. I love your hair and your eyes, everything about you."

With a knowing look, Alex murmured, "I'm going to have to work on that self-esteem of yours. Good thing I'm up for the job."

"No one else is," Olivia replied, only half-facetious. "Good thing I tracked you down, huh?"

"Very good thing," Alex agreed.

She pulled Olivia's t-shirt up and off, tossing it aside, then slid the undone bra off and gave it the same treatment. Silently urging the other woman back on the bed, Alex climbed up and joined her there, tugging the snug jeans down long, muscled legs. When Olivia was clad only in underwear, Alex ran her hands over the taut abdomen, up to hold her breasts and asked, "Do you like this?"

Olivia swallowed heavily and nodded as Alex's thumbs again brushed over her nipples. Bending down, she captured one in her mouth, sucking on it, alternating gentle with strong, all the while rubbing the other with her palm or tweaking it between fingers. Olivia couldn't believe the sensations brought up just from playing with her breasts and nipples; they'd never been overly sensitive before. It was just something she had to chalk up to Alex.

Moaning when Alex bit down, Olivia arched up into the flash of pain, shuddering. Alex chuckled wickedly and then transferred her attention to the other breast and spent an eternal time there. Olivia was wet and eager for some exploring of her own by the time Alex sat back on her heels, lips swollen from their interplay with Olivia's body. Remembering how Alex had enjoyed being flipped over, she moved fast and unexpected, slinging an arm around her lover's waist and lifting her up and over so that she landed amidst the pillows.

Alex cried out in surprise, but her smile was positively seductive as her legs spread and she asked, "What other moves do you have, Detective?"

"You sure you want me to show you?" Olivia smirked, her fingers just barely grazing Alex's clit.

Gasping, Alex nodded and replied, "Definitely!"

Olivia knew her grin was predatory, but couldn't stop herself. Having all this before her, a veritable feast for her senses, made her feel like a wolf about to ravish a lamb. Though of course, from Alex's actions so far, she wasn't some innocent lamb. Pressing her fingers firmly along the slit, she was gratified to find Alex already wet and slick, eager to take the fingers Olivia pushed slowly inside.

"Oh God," Alex moaned, legs drawing up and heels digging into the bed.

Bending down, Olivia licked over the lightly muscled abs and kissed her way up to the enticing breasts. She sucked lightly at them, returning what she hoped was even some of the pleasure she'd felt such a short time ago. From the gasps and tightening of fingers on Olivia's shoulders, it sounded like she was doing a good job. Of course, that could also have to do with her fingers, which were sliding in and out of Alex's body in a slow, teasing manner.

She'd assume it was both.

Olivia grinned to herself at the thought and licked her way back down the firm body. She kept going south until she could nuzzle at the thatch of dark golden hair between Alex's legs, provoking a ragged moan from the other woman. Separating the lips with her fingers, she licked a broad swath and tickled the clit with the tip of her tongue.

"Olivia!"

The shout sent a burst of sympathetic pleasure through her and Olivia started eating Alex out in earnest. The wet folds of flesh welcomed three of her fingers as they arced inside, angling for that spot deep inside. So intent on her own pleasure of tasting all of Alex was she, that Olivia jerked in surprise when wet lips sucked hard on her shoulder. She'd felt her lover move, of course, she wasn't that oblivious, Olivia just hadn't realized that she'd shifted into a sitting position.

Looking up from her task got her an eyeful of stomach and she realized that Alex was bent over her back. Which gave her a clue as to what was going to happen just before long fingers entered her own slit, filling her. Moaning in need, Olivia spread her knees to grant more access, grateful for the other woman's long reach, even as she went back to her own task at hand. She shuddered as Alex continued to lick and suck and nibble all along her shoulders and between her shoulder blades.

A hoarse, "Turn around, I want to taste you!" sounded hot in her ear and it was an order Olivia was all to happy to obey. Assuming a sixty-nine position gave them both better access and it was an erotic eternity later that she felt Alex shuddering in orgasm beneath her, thighs gripping her head tight enough to block sound. The mouth on her clit dropped away as Alex cried out, hips thrusting up for more.

Only a few second later, Alex's assault renewed and it was Olivia clutching tight to the limp thighs as she rode Alex's mouth and tongue. Jerking hard as she came in waves, Olivia collapsed on her lover, shaking with a release the likes of which she hadn't felt in years. Gathering her wits, if only a little, she slid off Alex and climbed up to curl over the other woman, hiking a leg across her hips and snuggling close.

Alex sighed in deep contentment, stretching and arching like a cat before wrapping her arms around Olivia and kissing her gently on the lips. Tasting herself on Alex's tongue was an experience she was really looking forward to getting used to. The kiss died off naturally and Alex's fingers combed through Olivia's hair and she murmured, "Wow."

Chuckling, Olivia had to agree, "Yeah."

She drowsed in Alex's arm, head cradled on her lover's breast, listening to the steady, soothing heartbeat. The sunlight coming in the window slowly faded as day wore on to evening, but she had absolutely no inclination to move from Alex's embrace. Until her stomach growled.

Alex laughed and suggested, "We could make supper."

"Not if it means moving," Olivia protested, her arm tightening around Alex's waist.

"We have to get up sometime," Alex pointed out warmly. "Come on. I'll make it worth your while. We'll make cheeseburgers."

Pushing onto her elbow, Olivia questioned incredulously, "You eat cheeseburgers now?"

Alex snorted. "Contrary to popular belief, I do like 'normal' food, you know."

Olivia just grinned at her, receiving a slap to her ass for her silent teasing. Laughing, she sat up and looked around the floor for her underwear. It wasn't long before they were both dressed and in the kitchen. Enjoying the sight of a happy Alex puttering around the kitchen, Olivia stretched her legs out to the other kitchen chair and relaxed.

"So did you tell Elliot where you went?" Alex asked, poking the meat in the frying pan suspiciously.

Stifling a laugh at the expression on her lover's face, Olivia nodded and explained, "He was with me when I found out. And Huang knows that I went to find you, but not where you are. No one else, though. I emailed my resignation to the Captain."

Alex flashed her a sympathetic look, observing, "That must've been difficult for you."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed softly. "But, there wasn't really a question of my not doing it. Not with you at the end of the rainbow."

A light flush encroached Alex's pale skin and she flipped over the hamburger without answering.

Pleased that she'd been able to fluster the unflappable woman, Olivia asked, "So you know Casey, huh?"

Stabbing the meat in the pan a little harder than necessary, Alex scowled at it and replied, "Yes, I do. And I bet she's just loving the fact that she got my job."

Eyebrow arching in surprise, Olivia commented, "Sounds like history to me."

"I think these things are done. Hand me the cheese?" Alex requested.

Olivia stood and crossed to the opposite counter that held the cheese, buns, and condiments, bringing the requested item over. "So. History?"

Alex dropped a slice on each burger and said, "She was a pain in my ass."

This time both eyebrows rose at the blunt language. Intensely curious, Olivia questioned, "How so?"

"Everywhere I turned around, there she was!" Alex exclaimed, stabbing the spatula in the air. "I was positive she was stalking me, and then she went into white collar cases. Thank God."

"Well, only until your spot opened up. Though she did say that she wanted to do regular homicide, not SVU. I don't think she was following you deliberately. You know how careers sometimes take paths we don't expect," Olivia soothed, rubbing her hand along Alex's back.

Snorting, Alex said, "You probably think I'm crazy now."

"I did before," Olivia deadpanned.

Before Alex could reply with more than a wry smile, the doorbell chimed.

Olivia stiffened and asked, "You expecting company?"

"Definitely not."

"You have a gun?"

Blanching, Alex nonetheless pointed to the drawer by the refrigerator. Olivia strode to it and took out a Glock 26, nodding in approval at the hardware. It had an automatic safety, was lightweight and accurate. She checked the ammo, slid the sleeve back in, and glanced over to Alex, saying, "Stay behind me."

Alex nodded and moved right behind her as Olivia crossed the living room to the door. She moved the other woman to stand partially behind the wall dividing the living room from the small foyer, knowing that Alex wasn't visible through the windows there. Holding the gun in a ready position, she called out, "Who's there?"

"FBI, Detective Benson. Open the damn door."

Olivia looked over at Alex, who grimaced and nodded. Lowering the gun, Olivia walked the rest of the way to the door and opened it, finding a young man with dark hair in a badly-fitted suit, looking very agitated, on the other side. Smiling brightly at him, she greeted innocently, "Hi there. What can I do for you?"

Glaring, he flashed his badge and answered, "Special Agent Carl Regency, the agent laughingly in charge of Ms. Cabot's protection. I'd like to come in and find out what the hell you're thinking."

Olivia waved him in with her free hand. "We were just about to sit down to eat"

"Oh no! The food!" Alex exclaimed running to the kitchen.

Chuckling, Olivia said, "We might be ordering in, but you're welcome to join us."

"What the hell are you thinking, coming here like this!?" he started in, before they were even in the kitchen.

Canting her head towards him, Olivia answered, "Only my partner knows that I'm here."

"And whoever gave you the information," he hissed.

Olivia motioned towards the kitchen chair and walked up to Alex, who was poking the cheeseburgers with the spatula. Chuckling, Olivia said, "I think we need to order in."

Sighing, Alex answered, "And I was doing so well."

She kissed Alex's ear and agreed, "You did very well. Next time, just remember to turn off the burner."

Alex mock-glared at her, informing her, "Just for that, you clean up."

Olivia saluted and took over at the stove, letting Alex talk them out of trouble. It was, after all, what she'd done for a living for a long time.

*  *  *  *

"The two people who do know where Olivia and I are, will not be telling anyone," Alex started in on Carl. He was a good man, if a bit wet behind the ears, and stood no chance. She knew this from past entanglements, because she intimidated him. It was probably a plus that he was gaping at them in shock, from having witnessed Olivia's kiss. "You can just tell whoever you need to, that she's not going anywhere."

"Ms. Cabot, we can't protect both of you!" Carl protested.

"You protect entire families."

"It's not authorized."

"So authorize it."

"But..."

"Carl, listen," Alex interrupted, smiling kindly at him. "Having Detective Benson with me will actually lessen any worries you might have. She's a cop, and a damn good one. Think of her as added protection the FBI doesn't need to pay for."

"My superiors won't like this," Carl protested weakly.

Still smiling, Alex leaned over him and countered, "Of course they will. All they have to do for the added protection is get Olivia some papers so she can get a job here. That's not a lot to give, for getting a detective who is very, very good at her job. Trust me. So. What do we want to eat tonight? Italian?"

Olivia gave her an amused grin, but it was gone when Carl looked the ex-detective's way, replaced with an innocent, unassuming expression as Olivia answered, "I could go for Italian. Carl?"

Carl sighed, knowing he was outmatched, and agreed, "Sure. Why not? Consider it my last meal as an FBI agent."

Alex hid a grin and moved to the phone.

*  *  *  *

"The benefit to having so many Mafiosos out here, is excellent Italian food," Olivia called, rubbing her belly contentedly.

Alex smiled at her from the bathroom and finished brushing her teeth before correcting, "Alleged Mafiosos."

"My mistake," Olivia replied dryly. "So he's not really going to get in trouble, is he? He seems like a sweet kid."

"No," Alex confirmed, turning off the bathroom lights and walking over to the bed to climb in. She snuggled against Olivia, who stretched to turn off the bedside lamp, and yawned as they settled in together.

In the dark, neither woman slept, comfortable in the silence with each other as they always had been and not yet wanting to lose the new connection between them.

"Why didn't we do this before?" Olivia finally asked. "What were we afraid of?"

Alex sighed and offered, "Losing our careers, for one."

"But it's not like they didn't already assume I was a dyke," Olivia pointed out, dry.

Chuckling, Alex replied, "Assuming and knowing are two different things. And, to be honest, I wouldn't have risked you like that. Not knowing if you might not get backup one day because of us. And I wasn't ready to be the Gay ADA."

Olivia poked her lightly and teased, "You're a poet and don't know it."

"That's bad, Detective," Alex scolded.

With a sigh, Olivia said, "SVU wouldn't have cared. None of the guys would have been anything but happy for us."

"Except that we wouldn't have been able to keep working together if it was common knowledge. Our professionalism surely would have been questioned, favoritism allegations, and worse, leveled at the both of us and, by association, the unit. Neither of us was ready to risk that," Alex finished seriously.

Olivia knew that she was right, that the integrity of the squad would have been called into question, as ludicrous as it was. Still, she felt like a coward for not having faced the fears that had held them back.

Kissing Olivia's cheek, Alex whispered, "You don't always have to be the hero, Olivia. And in this case, it would have been a martyr. I was only lonely for a few hours a day at home. Having you in my life as I did was enough, at the time."

"And now?" Olivia asked, coming to the root of her problem. "If, tomorrow, we could go back to New York, free and clear, what would you want to do?"

Alex was quiet for a long minute before she answered, "And, if tomorrow, we could go back, I would face whatever I had to, to keep this. I won't give you up, Olivia. Never again."

Absurdly pleased by the declaration, heat flushed through Olivia and she took Alex's mouth in a long, deep kiss. Nuzzling at her ear after, Olivia whispered, "Me, either. Love you, Alex, so much it hurts."

Wrapping her arms tight around Olivia, Alex whispered back, "Always, always, Olivia. I love you, too."

Content for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, Olivia sighed and relaxed in Alex's arms, closing her eyes. It was the soft, steady thumping of her lover's heart that soothed Olivia down into sleep, the first real sleep she'd had in over a year.

***