Title: Meaning of the Word
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,621
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
Mick leaned back against the pillows, sighing in contentment. Every time he and Josef made love, it seemed to get better and better. Sex with women had never made him feel this way; even sex with the only other male lover he'd been with had never been this good.
He hadn't really learned how to open himself up completely to anyone before, Mick reflected as Josef settled into his embrace. Josef had been the only person he'd ever really trusted, the only one he'd ever given every reserve of his heart and soul to.
And that immense love that he himself felt was returned with a fierce passion that had surprised him at first. He'd known that Josef was an intense man, but he'd never felt anything like the rush of love that had all but thrown itself at him from their very first kiss.
Of course, Josef had been waiting for him to wake up to his own emotions for years, Mick reminded himself. Josef had long ago admitted to himself how he felt; he'd had to wait far too long for Mick's own conscious knowledge of his feelings to catch up.
He'd been stupid enough to think that he was in love with other people, ignoring the real love that this man had always held out to him. But at least he'd finally seen the light, Mick told himself. He wasn't going to turn away from that love again.
Had he ever really known the meaning of that word before Josef Kostan had come into his life? He didn't think that he had; love had been an unopened book for him before he'd discovered the love that he and Josef now shared. He hadn't had a clue.
He had thought that he knew love; but what he'd felt for his former wife had only been a strange obsession that had dominated him for far too long, an obsession that had been even more unhealthy on her side than it was on his.
And then the involvement with Beth .... Mick shook his head, closing his eyes, wanting to forget that one had ever happened.That had been a stupid feeling of obligation on his part, and it still embarrassed him to realize how thoroughly she'd pulled the proverbial wool over his eyes.
She wasn't worth thinking about, Mick told himself firmly, pushing thoughts of his past relationships away. Neither of them were in his life any more, and good riddance to them both. The only thing that they'd taught him about love was what it wasn't.
Josef had shown him what real love was. This man had waited patiently for him, through his missteps and idiocies, watching as he had gotten himself into two relationships that were, ultimately, meaningless. He had been there, holding out a hand, offering his love.
He'd put the man he loved through so much pain, and he couldn't help but regret that. But had it been a good thing that he'd finally come to his senses in his own time, rather than having his eyes opened by someone else and shown how stupid he was being?
If that had happened, then he might have resented Josef for showing him those shortcomings. He might have turned away from this man, trying to cling to the women he'd been with, unwilling to admit that he'd been wrong all this time.
He had found out himself how wrong he'd been about loving Coraline -- and he'd even done so about Beth, even though he'd come closer to letting himself tumble down a slippery slope with her than he ever should have. Thank goodness he'd gotten himself out in time.
Mick shuddered at the thought of what his life could be like now if he hadn't managed to extricate himself from that situation. There would be no Josef, no nights of bliss, no love filling his life. Only resentment and anger, and that smug bitch thinking that she owned him.
What would he have known about love if he hadn't had Josef in his life? He would never have understood the meaning of the word. He would have gone through his life thinking that what he had was love, when he had nothing of the kind. What he'd had wasn't even close to real love.
So many people talked about love as though they knew what it was all about, when they didn't have any idea of what true love meant. They thought that love was meant to make them happy, rather than the person they were with.
But Mick knew better. He knew that love meant selflessness, making the person you loved happy above yourself. He'd never felt that way about the women he was with; he hadn't truly loved them, any more than they had loved him. It had all been a sham.
His love for Josef was completely different. Yes, he thought about his own happiness -- but always in relation to Josef's. He always wanted to be sure that Josef was happy with what they shared before his thoughts turned to his own feelings.
That was the true meaning of love, Mick thought, hugging Josef closer against him. Putting the loved one before yourself, thinking of them first and foremost, seeing to their happiness before turning any attention to your own. No one else had ever given him that before.
But Josef did. This man thought of him first, always. If he hadn't, then he wouldn't have hesitated to use any underhanded means he could have to get Mick to come to him long before now. But he hadn't; he'd let Mick live his own life and make his own mistakes.
"Mick, if you hold me any tighter, you're going to crush my ribs," Josef complained good-naturedly as he squirmed a little in his lover's embrace. "What are you thinking about? Either it's got you mad, and that's why you're tightening your grip, or you're thinking about us."
Mick laughed softly, loosening his hold on his lover with a guilty look. "Sorry, babe," he said softly, his smile apologetic. "Yeah, I was thinking about us. I was thinking about I didn't know the meaning of the word 'love' until I was with you."
"I don't think I knew the meaning of the word until I fell in love with you," Josef told him, his voice soft and a little hoarse. "I thought that I was in love with Sarah, but I really wasn't. It was just an infatuation, nothing more. I didn't know real love until I saw you for the first time."
"So it was love at first sight for you, hmmm?" Mick asked, his tone teasing. "What, all you had to do was to take one look at me and you fell instantly? That's not like you, Josef. You're more of a businessman than that. You'd have to look more closely at the merchandise."
"Merchandise?" Josef laughed at the word, shaking his head. "You've never been that to me, Mick. I've always loved you. From the first time I laid eyes on you, there was something in my heart that kind of told me you were the one, even if I didn't want to admit it at first."
"And yet you're the one who always has a hard time saying 'I love you,'" Mick murmured, bowing his head to brush a kiss across his boyfriend's hair. "Why is that, I wonder? I think it's just that you don't really feel comfortable saying those words to anybody, not even me."
"I've never found anybody before you that could make me say those words openly and honestly," Josef told him, shaking his head. "I said them to Sarah, but I knew even then that there was a part of me that didn't really feel it. I didn't know what love meant until I found you."
"And I had no clue about it either," Mick said softly, closing his eyes and leaning back with a soft sigh. "I wish I'd known before -- but I think I had to meet you and completely open my heart to understand the real meaning of the word."
"It's easy to be fooled into thinking you love somebody," Josef said soberly, heaving a sigh. "I know that, Mick. I've tried to make myself think that so many times before, just to take the edge off being lonely. But I never really loved until you came into my life."
"If it hadn't been for you, I'd never know what real love meant," Mick told him, placing a finger under Josef's chin and turning the other man's face up to his own. When their eyes met, he could feel a surge of desire flare through him, stronger than anything he'd ever felt.
Was it desire? Or love? Or was it a bit of both, mixing together in his consciousness and in his heart so that it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began? Mick didn't think either of those feelings did end; they simply went on within each other.
What did it matter? He knew what the meaning of love was now, and he was never going to let himself forget. With a soft smile, he bowed his head, capturing Josef's mouth with his own and letting his heart -- and his desire -- take over where his thoughts left off.***