Title: The Unguarded Moment
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,634
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
When was it that he'd first revealed his feelings to Josef? Mick frowned, propping his chin on his hands, searching his mind to remember the exact moment when he'd first seen Josef's eyes widen in shock as he realized Mick's feelings for him.
Had it been that night after he'd broken up with Beth, telling her that there was someone else without telling her who it was? He'd only admitted to himself a couple of days before that had happened what his real emotions were.
It had taken him far too long to admit to himself who it was that he really loved. And when he'd done that, he had felt horribly guilty for holding on to someone who he'd always known he didn't really love -- and not facing up to what he'd known all along.
Then finding out that Josef had been in love with him ever since they'd first met -- and that he'd wanted to be the one to turn him for the first time -- had cut even more deeply into his heart. His biggest regret in life was having caused Josef that much pain.
He couldn't begin to imagine how it must have felt for Josef to have loved him all this time, seeing him first with Coraline and then with Beth and feeling the way he did. How could anyone have gone through so much pain and not abandoned their feelings for the person who caused it?
Mick knew that he was lucky to still have Josef's love. As much damage as he could have inadvertently done to the other man's feelings for him by not waking up to those emotions, he had somehow managed to keep Josef's love, to receive those feelings whole and intact.
The remembrance of the look on Josef's face when Mick had first whispered those three little words to him came back; Mick couldn't help but smile at the thought. Josef had looked so shocked, so unsure that he was actually hearing those words for himself.
It had taken a few minutes for those words to come from the other man; Mick didn't blame him for being so reluctant to say them, though. He had known well enough at the time how hard it was for Josef to trust anyone; giving his heart must be even harder.
Of course, he hadn't discovered Josef's background until later; he was surprised that his best friend had kept the story of how he'd been turned, and what had happened to him that night, such a secret. And that he'd waited to reveal it until the two of them had become lovers.
Knowing the story of Josef's last night as a human made Mick even more protective of the man he loved. He would make sure that no one ever had the chance to hurt Josef like that again; no one would ever get close enough to him to inflict that kind of pain.
Only he hadn't been so good at keeping that promise, had he? Mick thought, wincing. Bartolomy had managed to get to Josef -- and he was still out there somewhere, still a threat to his boyfriend. Mick didn't believe that he would leave Josef alone for good.
But that wasn't something he wanted to think about now. The two of them were more wary than they'd been before; they watched each other's backs, protecting each other in every way they could. That was all that he could do -- or would be allowed to do.
Josef wasn't going to let himself be taken care of. He wasn't the kind of man to hide from danger, to wrap himself in cotton wool or cower in the face of adversity. No, Josef would snarl in its face and spring to the attack before anyone else had a chance.
That was only one more reason he loved this man so much, Mick told himself, a wry smile curving his lips. Sometimes he wished that Josef would let himself be protected, but if he did, then he wouldn't be Josef. And Mick wouldn't change anything about his lover.
Mick had always thought that Josef was the kind of person who could take care of himself -- and who preferred to do so, not letting anyone else closer than arm's length. But that one unguarded moment when he'd first told Josef how he felt had given him new insight into the other man.
Josef wasn't as tough as he pretended to be. Under that strong exterior, there was a man who wanted -- and even needed -- to be loved. He was self-sufficient, yes, but he was also vulnerable, and Josef knew that vulnerability all too well.
He wasn't usually vulnerable -- at least, not when other people could see that moment of weakness in him. But in that one brilliant, unguarded moment when their eyes had met, Mick had read the love and longing in Josef's eyes -- and there had been no turning back.
He'd known from that moment on that he was making the right decision, that his future belonged with this man and no one else. Every other person he'd ever thought he loved was relegated to the back of his mind; from that moment on, Josef took center stage.
And that was where he would always be, Mick thought with a smile. The man he loved would never settle for anything less -- Josef had never been one to stand in the shadows for long, or to be pushed into playing a bit part when the spotlight was available.
But at the same time, Josef had hidden depths to him; Mick knew all too well how careful he was to guard not only his vampiric existence, but his heart as well. Josef wasn't an easy man to know -- and not always an easy man to love, either.
There had been times when the two of them had fought like tigers -- well, verbally at least. They had never had a physical altercation; Mick was sure that if they ever came to blows, Josef could more than likely snap him like a twig without breaking a sweat.
After all, the man was over four hundred years old. There was an inner core of strength to Josef, no matter how sweet-faced and fragile he might look on the outside to people who didn't know him. They would never guess what a steel will -- and what physical strength -- that sweet exterior covered.
Josef was so beautiful, Mick thought with a sigh, bringing an image of his boyfriend into his mind. Both inside and out. He hadn't thought so when they'd first met, admittedly; but then, he'd been too besotted by Coraline to realize anyone else existed.
At that point in his life, he'd never even been with another man. That hadn't happened until later, after his marriage had dissolved and he'd thought his former wife was dead. That hadn't come until later, and even then, he still hadn't realized that what he really wanted was Josef.
Why had it taken him so long to reach his own unguarded moment? Why hadn't he given in to the nudging of his own emotions and let himself realize what he'd known in the back of his mind all along? Why had it taken him so damn long to tell Josef how much he was loved?
He knew that Mick loved him as a friend. But Mick had always thought of him as more than that -- even when he hadn't admitted it to himself, much less to Josef. That had taken him far too long to do, and he'd spend all of eternity making up for lost time.
That unguarded moment when they had both finally realized what they meant to each other, and it had shown in their eyes .... That was a moment that Mick would remember for all of eternity. He could never forget how his heart had swelled with love and joy.
Just knowing that Josef Kostan loved him in the same way that he loved Josef made life worth living. All of the troubles he'd had since becoming a vampire, the years that he'd spent wishing that he could be human again -- all of them washed away as though they'd never been.
Loving Josef, and knowing that he was loved in the same way, made all those years of soul-searching worthwhile. All the time he had spent hating what he was, all the time that he'd longed for his humanity back, seemed like wasted time to him now.
If he had his humanity back, he wouldn't have Josef now. He wouldn't be able to spend eternity with the person he loved more than life itself -- and he probably would never have realized just what his feelings were. That would have been a tragedy for both of them.
Mick sighed and leaned back in his chair, smiling up at the ceiling. Josef would be here in a few minutes, and they'd spend the night together, holding each other, kissing, touching, making love. Every dream he'd ever had would be fulfilled within one beautiful man.
And when he told Josef that he loved him, there would be another unguarded moment when he would see his lover's happiness shining in those fathomless dark eyes. He would tuck that moment away in his memory, to hold in his mind and his heart until the end of time.***