Title: Open Your Heart
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,615
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
Los Angeles, 1988
Josef stormed into the living room of his penthouse apartment, slamming the door behind him. How could he have been so stupid? Why had he thought that this was the right time to try to get into a relationship with Mick? Why hadn't he just stayed away?
At least he hadn't told Mick how he felt, he thought as he sat down on the couch and closed his eyes. That would have been the ultimate embarrassment. He'd gone to the other man's apartment with every intention of doing so, but he'd stopped himself in time.
Mick hadn't been ready to hear any declarations of love. Coraline might not be in his life any more, but it was obvious that Mick was still reeling from the shock of the fact that he had caused her death, even though he'd had no other choice.
Josef hadn't been there when Mick and Coraline had their last epic battle, but he'd heard enough about it from Mick to know that it must have been one hell of a scene. He was almost sorry that he hadn't been there as a witness; he'd have liked to see what went down.
But he hadn't been there, and he had only Mick's terse descriptions of what had happened to give him the big picture. It didn't really bother him; he knew that Mick was stronger than he gave himself credit for, and that he would get through this.
He wanted to hold out a hand to Mick -- not just a hand, but anything that the other man needed. He wanted to open his heart to Mick, to tell the object of his affection just what he was feeling. He wanted Mick to know how he'd felt for over thirty years now.
But he couldn't do it. It hadn't been the right time to open his heart; he'd known that from the first few moments after he'd entered Mick's apartment. The other man had seemed shell-shocked, as though he was sleepwalking in a dream world.
Josef had understood why Mick would feel that way -- he felt that he'd caused the death of someone he'd once cared about. Maybe Mick had caused Coraline's death, in some ways. But in Josef's eyes, she had brought it on herself.
She'd kidnapped a child -- and then threatened to turn that child into a vampire so Mick would stay with her. She must have known that Mick was chafing under her restraint, that he wanted more out of life than just being her minion and feeling that he had no life of his own.
Josef shook his head, sighing as his thoughts focused on the relationship between two people who should never have been together. She should have known that Mick was too much of a man for her to keep under her iron control; he needed the freedom to be himself.
Mick might even have come into the vampire existence willingly if Coraline had been more patient with him, if she'd nurtured their relationship when he was a human. But no, she'd given in to her impatience and tried to force him into being who she wanted him to be, rather than who he was.
Well, maybe that wasn't true; Mick wasn't the kind of person who could ever be happy as a vampire. He would always long for his lost humanity -- even if he'd been convinced that he had to live this existence, he wouldn't be satisfied with it. It wasn't in his nature.
Which meant that even if he could ever tell Mick how he felt, the object of his desire would never be happy wit him, Josef told himself with a wry smile. That would shoot down any plans he had for his own future happiness, especially if Mick met someone else.
Hopefully, that wouldn't happen -- but what if it did? Josef could feel an icy chill of dread run down his spine, a cold prickle of sensation that made him want to curl up on the couch and hide away, something he hadn't wanted to do in all the years of his vampire existence.
He didn't want to spend another thirty years -- or a hell of a lot more than that -- hiding his feelings for Mick. He didn't want to pretend that he was just friends with this man. He wanted to be open about his feelings, to stop hiding his emotions behind flippancy.
Josef stared up at the ceiling, feeling frustration rise in him. He'd been so close to being able to open his heart to Mick, so close to spilling his feelings to the man he loved. But he'd held back, and now, he wished that he'd simply thrown caution to the winds.
How much longer could he make himself wait? How many weeks, months -- even years -- would the two of them live through, keeping up this pretense of just being friends, before he wouldn't be able to keep those emotions under wraps any longer?
What was he going to do if Mick fell in love with someone else? That was why it was dangerous to keep his feelings hidden for too long -- Mick wasn't the kind of man who was going to stay single. Someone would capture his heart, and it probably wouldn't take long.
He couldn't stand to see Mick with someone else -- not while he thought that there could be a chance for the two of them. He didn't want to wait for too long and let that chance slip away; he had to tell Mick how he felt before someone else came into his life.
No matter how many times he tried to reassure himself that Mick wouldn't find anyone else, he couldn't make himself believe that those words were true. Mick was a beautiful man, inside and out. And sooner or later, someone else would appreciate that fact.
Josef swallowed hard, wishing that he had the ability to cry. If he did, then he was sure tears of frustration would already be flowing freely down his face. His fists were clenched in his lap; he took a deep breath, releasing them slowly and flexing his fingers.
His head jerked up when he heard a knock on the door; he certainly hadn't expected anyone to come over here tonight. Nobody bothered him at this hour; it was nearly midnight, and unless it was en emergency, there shouldn't be any interruptions to his solitary evening.
Getting up, he went to the door, hesitating before he opened it. He couldn't sense any danger beyond the portal, but that didn't mean that there wasn't someone out there who meant him harm. But if they did, they wouldn't have been able to get in, so what was he worrying about?
When he swung the door open, Josef's jaw dropped, his eyes widening in surprise. He could hardly believe what was presented to his eyes; the person standing there wasn't anyone he'd expected to see, especially not at this hour of the night.
Mick tilted his head to the side, a slight smile on his lips. "Hey," he said softly, his blue gaze fixed on Josef. "Can I come in? I came all the way over here because I know something wasn't right when you left. You've still got something to tell me, and I want to hear it."
"I ...." Josef couldn't think of a thing to say, though only a few moments ago he could have gotten down on his knees and poured his heart out to Mick. Wordlessly, he stood aside, letting the other man enter his penthouse and closing the door after him.
Mick turned to him and took both of Josef's hands in his before he could speak, a purposeful light in those blue eyes. "Josef, you were about to open your heart to me. I know it. And there's something on your mind that you need to say. So just get it out, and we'll deal with whatever it is."
"Mick, if you knew what I want to say, you'd probably run out of here and never come back," Josef told him, his voice carrying a hint of warning. "I didn't say it earlier because I don't think you're ready to hear it. Not yet. But I hope you will be one day."
The other man nodded slowly, his intense blue gaze not leaving Josef's face. "Okay. I'll take your word for it, and I won't push you to tell me whatever it is that's on your mind. As long as you promise me that you will tell me one day. Don't keep it a secret forever, Josef."
Josef shook his head, a small smile on his lips. "I won't, I promise," he said softly, feeling relieved that Mick wasn't going to try to discern his feelings now. He wasn't sure that he could keep them back if the other man started asking questions.
Now wasn't the time to open his heart; he'd have to wait until Mick seemed more able to put the past behind him and commit to a new relationship. But they had time, Josef told himself. All the time in the world. And sooner or later, they would be together. He'd make sure of that.***