Title: Tumbling Down
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,559
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Mick shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked along the sidewalk, heading for Josef's apartment building. He hadn't seen his boyfriend all day, and now that it was night, he wanted to spend some time talking seriously to Josef.

They'd been together for a while now, openly, not exactly flaunting their relationship but not keeping it a secret, either. Everyone who worked for Josef knew that Mick was his lover, and nobody seemed to have a problem with that.

It was a good thing that no one had any questions about them as far as Mick was concerned. He didn't want to explain his personal life to any of Josef's employees or friends; what the two of them did together in the privacy of the bedroom was their business.

Besides, he had his own questions to ask Josef, and tonight, he wanted to get some answers. He hadn't pushed his boyfriend for those answers, but he was starting to feel that it was time Josef opened up to him more than he already had.

In some ways, he knew so much about the man he loved. He knew exactly what had happened to Josef on the night that he was turned; and he knew how his lover had acted for a few years afterwards, some of the terrible things he'd done.

He also knew that Josef bitterly regretted some of those things. If he wasn't mistaken, his lover would give a great deal to be able to go back and change some of his actions; he himself felt that way about some of what he'd done since becoming a vampire.

No one had a clear conscience, Mick told himself, no matter how much they might want to believe that they'd tried to live a spotless, blameless life. Every person had done things in their lives that they lived to regret, but vampires had a lot longer to think about it.

There was so much that Josef had revealed to him on the first night they'd been together, the night that he'd admitted he wanted Mick and had feelings for him. Mick knew more about Josef than anyone else did, and he was grateful for that knowledge.

Even Sarah hadn't been as close to Josef as he was, Mick thought to himself. Josef had told him that the two of them had never been intimate; they'd been in love, but they had never actually made love. It had been the Fifties, after all.

But even though he knew Josef intimately, there were still hidden depths to his lover that Mick knew he hadn't been given access to. There was still a curtain across parts of Josef's life, and Mick wanted those walls he'd built up to come tumbling down.

Why couldn't Josef trust him with some things about his past? Mick wondered. It seemed strange that Josef would trust him with some of the most intimate details of his life, yet there were other things that he deliberately left out.

His lover had trusted him with the story of what had been done to him in his last few hours as a human on the night he'd been turned -- memories that he swore he'd never shared with another living soul. But with other aspects of his life, Josef was maddeningly obtuse.

How could he be so trusting in some ways, and so closed and suspicious in others? Mick sighed, a wave of frustration sweeping over him. The last thing he wanted to do was to make Josef feel that he was pushing for information, but in truth, he was.

He loved Josef with all his heart and soul. And he was sure that Josef loved him just as fiercely. Why, then, couldn't the other man trust him with everything he wanted to know? It wasn't as though Mick was going to spill any of his secrets to anyone.

And even if he wanted to, who would believe him? "My four hundred year old vampire boyfriend told me this." Oh yeah, that would go down real well with most humans. He'd end up being tossed in a loony bin, or worse.

Maybe his questions went unanswered because there was a part of Josef that still didn't trust him. He hated to think that, but it seemed to be the case. Though could he really blame Josef for wanting to keep some small part of himself locked away?

Everyone needed to have their personal space, their safe place within themselves where they could hide their secrets away from the rest of the world. And Josef's secrets were more dangerous than most. His secrets could get him killed.

He wouldn't deny that Josef had a right to keep some of those secrets to himself. But he also wouldn't deny that he felt as though in some ways, he was still an outsider in his lover's life. He still felt that he was on the outside looking in, longing for what he couldn't have.

But he did have Josef, a voice in the back of his mind argued. So what if he didn't know all of his lover's secrets? Josef didn't owe him that. It was miraculous enough that he'd actually given Mick his heart, that Josef actually loved him.

He was Josef's first vampire lover, as well as his first male lover. Josef had lived for over four hundred years without daring to give anyone his heart who could be with him forever; he hadn't trusted anyone enough to open himself up that much.

That had to be it, Mick told himself, almost stopping in his tracks as the realization struck him. Josef had a hard time opening up to him completely because so many people had betrayed him in the past -- either by outward betrayal, or by dying and leaving him alone.

He didn't fear opening his heart because of a lack of trust. He feared falling in love and eventually being alone again, being left to live out the rest of his life without the person he loved, knowing that he would never have them by his side.

That had to be the answer, Mick thought as he began walking again, more slowly this time. He was getting closer to Josef's building, and he wanted a little more time to think before he saw his lover and began to pour out his questions.

No, he shouldn't do that. Not tonight. He should sit down and talk to Josef, tell his lover gently but firmly that he thought he knew the answer to why there were still barriers between them. His questions could wait; first he needed to ease whatever fears Josef might have.

He had to make it clear to Josef that he had nothing to be afraid of; Mick wasn't like any other lover he'd ever had. He wasn't like Sarah, who hadn't had the strength to leap across the abyss that separated vampire from human. He was already there.

Mick didn't blame Josef for being afraid to trust. He'd probably have felt the same way if he had been through four hundred years of constant betrayals, he told himself wryly. That would be enough to make anyone put up walls around themselves.

But it was time for Josef to realize that he didn't have to keep those walls up any more. Maybe for others, but not for the man who loved him. Mick had to make him understand that for once, he'd found someone who he could trust completely.

What he had to ask could wait until later. Josef didn't need to be bombarded with questions about his past; Mick would have to ease into those. First, he had to reassure Josef that he wasn't laying himself bare to any kind of danger by answering those questions.

Not any kind of physical risk, of course. No, the danger that Josef would be afraid of exposing himself to was becoming emotionally involved; the danger of letting himself care about someone and then losing them -- and knowing that he could nothing to stop it from happening.

Mick would have to let him know that there was no danger of that. He was already a part of Josef's world; he was a vampire, and he had lost his desire to become human again. All he wanted was to spend his life with the man he loved.

He would manage to reassure Josef of that -- and make his lover believe him -- if it was the last thing he did. He'd spend the rest of his life offering Josef that reassurance if it was what he needed to do. He'd do anything to gain Josef's complete trust.

Stopping at the doors that led into the lobby of the building, Mick took a deep breath, then pushed open the door and headed for the bank of elevators. It almost as felt as though tonight was the first night of the rest of his life -- and in a way, maybe it was.

***