Title: Rhymes With Pickle
By: Mancuso
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: AO
AN: This is Crack! at it's most extreme.
Summary: Dean and Castiel make a deal and Sam gets dragged into the middle of it. Dean/Castiel and mock Sam/Castiel and Dean/Sam. But it's not Wincest.
***
"Cas, hold still. Why're you wiggling so much?""I don't know." The angel was writhing on the floor with the tips of Dean's fingers in his ribs, making little circles. He couldn't explain it but this insane fleshy human laughter was erupting from him in bursts and he couldn't be still. "What're you doing to me?"
Dean was holding all of his own laughter in and doing a damn fine job of it if you asked him. "I'm just trying to calm you down. You look like you're having a seizure and you've lost both of your shoes."
It was true. Castiel's stocking-clad feet were digging into the carpet and kicking at the air in intervals as he rolled from his back to his side, curling and un-curling.
"Dean, quit teasing him." Sam said from behind his laptop as he attempted to do a little research through all the chaos. Dean's guess was that the shoe comment struck home with his younger brother who was a buzz kill anyway, really.
"Aw, but Sammy...he's just so cute!" Dean pinched Castiel's cheek. The one nearest him, which, as it happened, was not one of the ones connected to his face. The angel yelped and jumped back away from his aggressor, finally managing to get a breath in and sit up.
Sam wasn't going to deny that it was a little cute. But he sure as hell wasn't going to admit it either. "He doesn't look too happy, Dean."
"He's not a baby, Sam. He can talk for himself."
Castiel was in a pout as he got to his feet, rubbing the pinched area of his ass and towering over Dean for once in a conscious attempt to reassert his authority. He would not be humiliated by the human he ripped from the pits of Hell and shared intense and passionate make-out sessions with whenever they found themselves alone. "What were you doing to me?" He demanded.
Dean, too, got to his feet and looked down at the angel who, now, was a few inches short of his own height. "What're you gonna do if I don't tell you?"
"Withhold my kisses."
"Ooh-hoo-hoo. Yeah, real big stakes there, halo boy." Dean smirked, teasingly.
"Could you two just cut it out? Please?" Sam begged.
"Could you just stay out of it?" Dean barked back, turning his attention to Castiel once again. "I can get my kisses elsewhere, unlike you."
"Is that a challenge?"
"It is."
"Alright." Castiel held out his hand to be shook. "The first person to convince a kiss out of your brother wins."
"Deal." Dean narrowed his eyes, shaking the angels hand without forethought. "Wait, what?"
"Um...I did not agree to this..." Sam interjected once more.
"That's the whole point." Castiel reasoned.
"I was just tickling you!" Dean blurted out. "That's all it was! A tickle-fight! An unfair one."
"We're not playing for that anymore. We're playing for my kisses and bragging rights."
"What do you know about bragging rights? And if you know what bragging rights and bets are, which by the way I believe gambling's a sin, then how the hell did you not know what tickling was?"
"Dean, shut up. Bet's on. You shook on it."
"Under duress!"
"Ignorance, you mean." Came Sam. "And I'm not taking part in any of this."
Castiel crossed his arms and looked over at the younger Winchester. "Then I suppose you'd rather suffer through it until one of the two of us, and I assure you...I'm just as stubborn as your brother if not more, gives in?"
Sam closed his laptop and rubbed at his temples. He obviously was not going to accomplish anything this afternoon like he'd hoped. At least, like Castiel said, not until he gave in and made out with one of them.
"Come on, Sammy." Dean pleaded. "You know you want your big brother to win."
"I'm not frenching you, Dude."
Dean thought it over. "Yeah, you know, you're right. I'm not frenching you, either."
"So you forfeit?" Castiel smirked.
"No. I didn't say that!" Dean had a dilemma to sort through. What mattered more to him? Keeping his tongue out of his brother's mouth? Or maintaining his rank as bitch-master of resident angels? It suddenly became very clear to him and he made a mad dash at Sam's face.
"The fuck?" Sam put up one of his monster-sized hands and Dean crashed into it face first. "I'm NOT kissing you, Dean."
"Well you didn't have to hit me!"
"He didn't." Castiel defended.
"Well of course you're siding with him."
"Why does God want me to referee the two of you guys' first marital dispute?"
"Shut up, Sam. It'd all be over if you'd just get over yourself."
"Sam..." Castiel said soothingly "Remember...you don't have to choose Dean."
"I don't want to kiss either of you. Besides, I've seen you kiss Dean. You use your angel mojo on him, and I don't want any part of that."
"It's ecstatic. Why wouldn't you want it?"
"It's gay."
"You're gay." Dean felt he had to throw something in.
"Says the guy who likes to make out with men who're possessed by angels."
"Well maybe men who're possessed by angels just do it better."
"Thank you." Castiel gloated.
"Have you two even made it past second base yet?"
"Yes." Said Dean.
"No." Castiel over-rode him. "Don't lie about that, Dean."
"Well don't tell our business about that, Cas." Dean glared.
"Why'd you tell him 'yes?'"
"None of your business."
"I think it concerns me a great deal, actually."
The look on Sam's face was of utter mortification. "Well I'm one hundred percent sure that it does not concern me." He said, standing up and preparing to make his leave.
"Sit down." Came the unanimous voices of Dean and Castiel.
"I don't think it's something we should talk about in front of my baby brother."
"Well for whatever reason, you seem to want your baby brother to think that we've had sex."
"Well the only reason we haven't yet is because you're such a prude."
"I'm an ANGEL!"
"An angel who's a cock-tease."
"So you want sex, then?"
"I wouldn't keep reaching for your belt knowing I'll probably get my hand slapped if I didn't."
"Okay. Stakes are raised, then." Castiel smirked. "If you manage to get a kiss out of your brother, I'll sleep with you tonight. If I kiss him first, I'll sleep with you whenever I choose and you'll be on bottom."
"Oh my god." Sam closed his eyes as if that would shut out everything he had just witnessed.
"Fine." Dean spat. "If you wanna cheapen our first time, go ahead. I'm not even going to bother playing." The color rose in his cheeks. He felt like such a damn woman right then, but it really was how he felt. He really did love Castiel and he really did want their first time to be special. He didn't even care if Sam knew the extent of his feelings, however embarrassing.
Castiel read Dean clearly, but he remained cold as steel. He was going to win this, by God.
***
The rest of the evening was hell on the three of them. Dean spent the majority of it on the edge of his and Castiel's bed watching Wheel of Fortune with a beer in his hand shouting out very far off answers and everywhere Sam turned, Castiel was there with his lips practically already puckered.
"Look, Castiel." Sam reasoned as he emerged from the bathroom to meet with a 5'6" angel with personal space perception problems. "I'm sure women...and a certain demographic of men...find you very attractive, but I am categorized in neither of those populations. So...if you don't mind..." He pushed past him and went to take a seat on his own bed to whoop Dean's ass at guessing the phrases.
"It's just a kiss, Sam." Cas huffed.
"Yeah. A kiss that determines the longevity of my older brother's anal virginity. I'll say it again; I would like no part in the making of that decision. Besides...I thought sodomy was wrong."
"God had nothing to do with the legislation of the Blue Laws and half of the stuff in the bible is just filler. You think the apostles -who were drunk on wine half the time, mind you- really had the ability to memorize everything God ever told them and accurately scribe it away into their notes?"
"No, I guess not. Still."
"I love your brother very much, Sam. What we're doing, or planning to do...it isn't wrong."
"Oh, you love him so much? You sure do show it funny, compromising his values like this."
Dean decided to keep quiet for a few more seconds. He wanted to see where this was going.
"He's the one who wanted to have sex in the first place! You think I don't have a right to my own...er...Mark's anal virginity?"
"What're you saying, Cas?" Dean finally jumped in. "You mean that guy's still conscious? I've been making out with a real GUY?"
"It's not like he didn't consent to it before I took him, Dean. I had to make sure that whatever body I was using was agreed to everything I planned to use it for. He knew about us even before I first came to you."
"He agreed to let you use his body to fight in an apocalyptic war and sodomize my brother?"
"He had some qualms with the war part since he's by nature a very peaceful man, but once he first saw Dean on the night I was summoned, he was more than willing to let me use him however I saw fit."
"Well that's very flattering and all." Dean said. "But I wish you would've made me aware of the fact that I'm going to be gang-banged."
"What-banged?" Castiel asked, clearly puzzled.
"Never mind." Sam said. "Point is...you're here to help Dean, not bust slime with him."
"The kissing is an important part of the bond."
"So let him take it further like he wants. But don't involve me. I don't WANT to be involved."
Castiel slid onto Sam's bed behind him.
"I don't want to damage what we have by moving too quickly."
Sam turned on the bed and before he knew it, his lips were brushing against the angel's.
"YOU BASTARD!" He wiped at his mouth.
"I won!" Castiel cried triumphantly.
"Oh, hell no!" Dean said, standing up from his own bed and throwing the empty beer bottle down onto it. "That was not a consensual kiss, so you do NOT win!"
"We never negotiated consent." Castiel grinned. "Face it, Dean. You lost."
"I'm not letting you do it." The older Winchester crossed his arms over his chest. "It's not happening."
"Yo." Sam reminded them of his existence. "Just molested by an angel, here!" He pointed to himself.
"Sam, I've got bigger things on my mind right now."
"Much bigger, if I may throw in a good word for Mark." Castiel added.
"You are so not helping." Snapped both Winchesters.
"Dean, you shook on it."
"But did I bleed on it? No. It's not finalized, and the only witness we have is my little brother who I'm pretty sure would rather not know what goes on in our side of the motel room."
"Aw, jeez, you guys weren't even planning on getting a separate room?" Sam groaned, going back to his spot at the small motel room table and opening his laptop once more in hopes of finally accomplishing something and maybe drowning out the other two.
"Why should we? This one has two beds."
The angel shrugged. It seemed efficient enough to him.
"We'll get our own room, then." Castiel stood from the bed and began slipping his shoes back on from earlier when they'd flown off in the tickle-fest. "Would you accompany me, Dean?"
"No, Cas. I will not accompany you." His angel impressions only got worse and worse, it seemed. "I'm not going anywhere alone with you until you annul the deal."
"I'm not going to rape you, Dean." Castiel seemed to be shocked at the implied accusation.
"Yeah, well, this way I know for sure."
Castiel pouted, but it was futile. It wasn't that Dean really didn't trust him, it was that he wanted to teach him a lesson.
"Fine. The deal is annulled. But if you think I'm going to bed with you any time soon now, you're dead wrong."
"Yeah, 'cause I want to go to bed with a virginity-stealing ass-bandit angel."
Castiel glared at him and Dean glared right back.
"Sam, Cas is bunking with you tonight." Dean said, challenging eyes never leaving the angel's.
"What? No way. He already mouth-raped me today."
"He won't try anything funny." Dean assured. "Because if he does, I will never speak to him again."
"Don't have to worry about it, Dean." Castiel snarled. "Your brother has legs like a crocodile."
"Well like species attract."
"Well he gets it from your mother."
"Well your mother eats donkey butt."
"And your mother-"
"You guys...cut it out. Castiel can stay in my bed, but for the love of God, shut the fuck up." Sam expected to hear some sort of wise-ass retort, but when all he heard was the rustling of clothes, he looked up from the screen of his computer to see the two rolling on the floor in each other's arms. They were not making out, however, but pulling fistfuls of each other's hair and attempting to tear each other's flesh off. "Hey hey!" He closed the computer and went to attempt to break them up. Diving in, he had not thought about any repercussions, but as it turned out, Castiel could throw as mean a punch as Dean and Sam ever could. Eventually, Dean came away with a split lip, Sam with a black eye and a finger-nail gash on his cheek, and Castiel unmarked. Lucky bastard healed quick, Dean told himself. He refused to believe that he'd gotten into a scuff with someone who had eluded all of his blows somehow. The only evidence of the fight that Castiel showed was his tussled hair and wrinkled clothes. But both had looked essentially the same before Dean had jumped on him.
The three of them stood, nostrils flaring and breath heaving as they managed to regain themselves.
"Alright." Sam, the voice of reason, eventually spoke up. "The two of you are going to have to stop this. If you can't control yourselves from trying to beat the shit out of each other, than maybe you shouldn't be together at all."
"It's not that..." Dean said.
"No.." Castiel echoed simultaneously.
They both looked at each other for a brief millisecond before turning their glances away again, color creeping into their cheeks. Sam noted that it was a little endearing to see an angel blush.
"I think you two should make peace." Sam said, taking into account the obvious love the two felt for one another. They wouldn't be so ashamed if it weren't for that.
Neither of them budged.
"One of you is going to have to say it first." Coaxed the youngest Winchester.
"Fine." Castiel caved. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry I argued with you, I'm sorry I raised the stakes too high, and...I'm sorry I messed up your face." He only looked at him on the last part of the sentence, but only to reassess and revel in the damage he'd inflicted.
"Yeah, well I'm not apologizing because I didn't do anything wrong. And you didn't apologize for what you said about my mom."
"Yeah, you're right." Castiel sighed. "That was in poor taste. I'm sorry."
"Yeah..." Dean averted his eyes once more. "Me too, I guess."
"Good." Sam smiled at them as reinforcement. "Now hug."
The both of them grumbled and picked a wall to stare at as opposed to falling in line with Sam's orders.
"I said hug."
"Fine." Dean snarled.
"Fine." Cas snarled back.
They crept close to one another and sort of just...looked awkwardly at the other's feet before Dean finally put his arms around the smaller figure of the angel and, in turn, was enveloped himself.
"Now, don't we all feel better?" The youngest Winchester smirked.
"Sure, but if you don't stop with the marriage counselor bullshit, I'm going to sick Cas on you." Dean pulled back from the hug and looked down at the silent angel. "Dude...you fight like a girl."
"What do you expect? I'm in the body of a gay man."
***
