TITLE: Green Owl Post, from a Man
AUTHOR: Meg
PAIRING: SS/Gilderoy Lockhart
RATING: R, for adult language and themes.
FEEDBACK: aldalindil22@yahoo.com
DISCLAIMER: Severus Snape, Gilderoy Lockhart, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and all related materials belong to J.K. Rowling, not me. "Green Eggs and Ham
SUMMARY: A series of humorous owls between Lockhart and Snape, based on the book "Green Eggs and Ham."
NOTES: Written for the Second Wave of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest, in response to Scenario 25: "Love letters by owl post. Someone is using the school owls to send Severus love letters. He writes back." Dashes are used to mark separations between owls. Many thanks to Minerva McTabby, whose delightful Seuss-parody "That Potter Slash!" inspired me to write this. Thanks also to Rain for reading it, and to Dovie for reading it and helping me figure out what to call it.
ARCHIVING: The Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest Archive and anyone else who wants it. Please ask first, though.
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I am blonde!
I'm a boy!
I'm Gild-er-oy!
---
Oh, Gild-er-oy!
Oh, Gild-er-oy!
I do not like
you, foolish boy!
---
Would you like
to make sweet love?
---
I would not like to,
Gild-er-oy.
I do not think
I would enjoy.
---
Would you fuck me,
here or there?
---
I would not fuck you
here or there.
I would not want to
anywhere.
I do not think I would enjoy.
I will not fuck you,
Gild-er-oy.
---
Would you fuck me
on a bed?
Would you let me
give you head?
---
I would not fuck you
on a bed.
I would not let you
give me head.
I will not fuck you
here or there.
I will not fuck you
anywhere.
I do not think I would enjoy.
I just don't like you, Gild-er-oy.
---
Would you do me
in the shower?
Or if not there,
in the Astronomy Tower?
---
Not in the shower.
Not in the tower.
Nor in a bed,
And "No" to head.
I will not fuck you here or there.
I will not fuck you anywhere.
I simply know I won't enjoy.
I do not want you, Gild-er-oy.
---
Would you? Could you?
Suck my dick?
Try it! Lick it!
You won't get sick!
---
I would not,
could not,
suck your dick.
---
You might like it!
Though this may be crude.
You might like me
in the nude!
---
Why can't you see that I am straight?
Not in the nude! Go masturbate!
I will not fuck you in the shower.
Nor in the nude, in the Astronomy Tower.
I would not like to suck your dick.
I assure you, the thought makes me sick.
I will not, no matter what the parameter.
Not in free verse, or iambic pentameter.
I do not want you, I wouldn't enjoy.
I do not like you, Gild-er-oy.
---
Whips! And leather!
And feathers, I think!
Could you, would you,
with some kink?
---
Not with a whip! No leather for me!
Not with kink, dolt, let me be!
I would not, could not, in the shower.
Not in the dungeon, or the Astronomy Tower.
I will not let you give me head.
Please, go fuck yourself instead.
I will not do you here or there.
I will not do you anywhere.
I am straight! I don't like boys!
I just don't want you, Gild-er-oy!
---
Say!
Up the ass?
I know it's crass, but...
Would you stick it up my ass?
---
I would not, could not,
up your ass.
---
Would you, could you,
with a potion?
---
I would not, could not, with a potion.
Not up your ass. Not even with lotion.
Not in the nude, and not with kink.
You're just not right for me, I think.
Not in a bed. Not in the shower.
No giving head. Not in the tower.
I will not fuck you here, or there.
I do not like you anywhere!
---
You would not like me
for your toy?
---
I do not
want you,
Gild-er-oy.
---
Could you, would you,
with a goat?
---
I certainly would not
with a goat!
---
Would you, could you,
in the moat?
---
I could not, would not, in the moat.
I certainly will never, with a goat.
Nor would I do it in the lake,
Not with the squid, or a mandrake.
Not in the nude, or silk boxers or briefs.
Why won't you quit owling me? Good grief!
I simply will not suck your dick.
Go away, Lockhart, you are making me sick.
I will not fuck you in the shower.
Not in the dark, not up the Tower.
I will not fuck you at this school.
Why can't you understand, you fool?
I do not like you! I'm not gay!
Now, Lockhart, please just go away!
I do not want you,
Gild-er-oy.
---
You do not want me.
So you say.
Try it! Kiss me!
And you may.
Try it and you may, I say.
---
Damn!
If you will let me be,
I will kiss you.
You will see.
---
....
---
Say!
I think, in fact, I might like boys!
I do! I want you, Gild-er-oy!
And I would fuck you with a potion!
I think I'd like to use some lotion!
And I will fuck you in the tower.
In the nude! Let's take a shower!
And with some kink. I'll give you head.
You are so good, so good, in bed!
So I will fuck you up the ass.
Out by the lake, on the soft green grass.
And I will fuck you, wearing leather.
Perhaps I'll tease you, with a feather.
I want to do you here and there.
Say! Why don't we do it EVERYWHERE?
Gay sex is fun!
I do enjoy!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Gild-er-oy!