Title: A Fine Cup of Coffee
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ianto Jones
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 60, Coffee
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor or Ianto Jones, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

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Dear Doctor,

I'm writing this as I sit at the desk in our bedroom on the Tardis, watching you sleep. There's a cup of coffee beside me -- one that I made in the kitchen of the ship, without feeling like a mere coffeeboy who was good for nothing else but kitchen duties.

You know, that's how I always felt when I was a member of Torchwood, even after Jack had to start letting me go on missions with the team. I never felt quite accepted there, even when I risked my life to protect the other team members, and almost died once.

I know that Jack appreciated me -- well, at least most of the time. At the time, I was his lover, and I meant a lot to him. But once he had decided to move on, I became expendable to him -- and I believe that the rest of the team felt that way about me, too.

Oh, it's not that they didn't care about me as a friend and colleague -- but they always felt that I was the least important of them all. After all, I was only allowed to go on missions because we lost one team member rather early on.

No one else on the team ever forgot that. To them, I was just the glorified coffeeboy who was jumped up in terms of being a team member. I was valued in some ways, yes, but not in the ways that mattered. I was never an equal to them, and it hurt.

I always wanted to be more than a coffeeboy when I joined Torchwood. When I first started working for them, I was glad just to have the experience of being there. But that paled quickly; I wanted to be someone who actually had worth, not just someone who was there.

I don't know if I was ever viewed as a worthy member of the team, even by Jack. It's sad that even after all the time I spent at Torchwood, after all the good that I felt I did for the team, I still don't know if I was ever considered a real part of them.

Most of the time, I don't believe that I was ever more than merely tolerated. That hurts, too -- to know that I gave them so much of time and effort, so much of my life, and to feel that they threw it back in my face and didn't appreciate my efforts at all.

I always try to tell myself that isn't true, that my efforts were appreciated and that the people I was working with just didn't find it easy to say so, or to show their appreciation for me. But at the same time, I feel that's just my way of making myself feel better.

Here on the Tardis, with you, I know that I'm much more than just a glorified coffeeboy, much more than just someone who happens to be around. I'm your lover, your soul mate, a part of your life. I'm a part of all that you do, and all that you are.

The fact that it was never that with between Jack and myself proves that he was never the person I was meant to be with. I can look back on my relationship with him and feel friendship for him, but I don't think I would ever have stayed with him in the long run.

Jack and I were far too different to have lasted much longer as lovers than we did. Yes, I loved him -- and maybe he even loved me, in his own fashion. I don't know. I never wanted to ask -- I was always too afraid of what I would hear if I did.

But with you, I'm not afraid to ask that question. I know that you'll instantly reply that you love me; it's not something that I have to wonder whether I'll hear or not. With you, I have no fears, no doubts. I know that you're the man I'm meant to spend eternity with.

You would never see me as merely a coffeeboy. You see me for who I am, Doctor. You see me as an entire person, not just as a part of something -- and a not very important part, at that. You see me as more than a means to an end.

I don't want to say that Jack saw me as nothing more than that. Maybe he really did have deep feelings for me, and was simply afraid to show them. But that's not something I'll ever know -- and at this point, it's not something I ever need to know.

There's no need for me to look back at the past. I'm looking firmly into the future, with you and only you. Here, I know who I am, and I know that I belong. That was something that I never felt sure of what I was working with Torchwood.

With you, I know exactly where I stand. I never have to worry about your loyalty, or your love. I never have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing by being here, or if I would be better off somewhere else. Here, I'm firmly in the only place I ever want to be.

When I make coffee here, for you, I do it as a labor of love. I do it because I want to, because I enjoy doing things for the man I love, not because it's a job, or something that I feel obligated to do. And I make a fine cup of coffee, if I do say so myself.

I hope I'll be able to keep making coffee for you through all of eternity, my love. Until the end of time itself. I'll always be here with you, making your coffee, loving you, supporting you in every way. A glorified coffeeboy? Perhaps .... but your coffeeboy, and happy about it.

Love always,

Ianto

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