Title: Always
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 3
Prompt: 25, Guilt
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Dearest Ianto,

The guilt I feel at having to leave you isn't something that I can put into words. I know it's hard for you to fathom just why I have to go, but you don't reproach me for it. You simple step back and let me have that space, and I can't help but feel all the more guilty for your calm acceptance of the situation as it is.

I know that it isn't fair to keep doing this, but it's not something I have any choice with. I can't stay in one place for too long -- you know that. I've explained it to you, and I suppose that I should be grateful that you don't hold it against me. It isn't just some sort of wanderlust, Ianto. It's this intrinsic need in me to travel, to lose myself in the stars, in a world that no one can follow me into.

No, I'm not trying to get away from you, not in any way. And you know that, too. I hope that somewhere in your mind, you aren't accusing me of that, because you know in your heart that it isn't true. Every moment that I'm away from you, something in my soul withers away, and I know that it will only be replaced by being with you again.

But still .... I can't stay in your world for an inordinate amount of time, Ianto. It isn't my world. I might eventually come to be more comfortable there than I am now, but I don't belong there. I never will. It isn't the world that I'm used to, and though I may be able to adopt it for your sake, it can never be mine.

And I can't always bring you with me. There are things that I face here, in the darkness of space and time, that I won't expose you to. Why? You should already know the answer to that. Because you are the one pure and untainted thing in my life, Ianto. I can't bear to lose you -- or even to contemplate the possibility of that happening.

It may be selfish of me, to expect you to let me go into situations that you know may very well be dangerous. But that's what I do, my love. This is what I exist for -- and the fact that I've found you and want to spend my life in your arms doesn't change who and what I am. I can't turn my back on that for personal reasons, as much as I'm tempted to do just that.

The guilt of that weighs more and more heavily on me with each day that passes. Sometimes I wonder if I can bring myself to face you again, knowing that I must put you through your own personal hell each time that I have to leave. I can't assuage that guilt when I'm here alone. I need you to take it away. I need to you hold me, to reassure me that everything will be all right between us, and that you still love me.

It seems impossible that I should be fearful of our feelings for each other lasting through a parting like this, doesn't it? But I can't help listening to that insistent little voice in the back of my mind sometimes -- the voice that keeps insisting to me that I'm doing the wrong thing, that this is something you'll never be able to forgive me for.

I can't help feeling that if something does happen to me while I'm away from you, and that if I can't make it back, then you might hold it against me. I don't want to go to my end feeling that there is any sort of wall between us, Ianto. It's something that I must talk with you about when I return to you. I have to lay my feelings on the table, honestly and openly, confess all my fears to you.

My hearts are in your hands, beloved. As I'm writing this, I can feel them pounding away in my chest, and even skipping a beat now and then. The mere thought of losing you, losing what we have, almost paralyses me to the point that I can literally feel my hearts hesitating. If that were to happen, I don't think they could keep beating any longer.

And then, in my more rational moments of clarity, I tell myself that it oculd never happen. That even if I met my end somewhere in the galaxy, you would somehow know it. We're too closely bound for you not to feel that end -- even if you didn't know exactly what happened, you would know that even if I'm no longer with you in body, that I will always be with you in spirit.

I don't know why I'm pouring all of this out now. Maybe because I've grown tired of long, cold, lonely nights without you by my side. Maybe because it's far past the time that I should have been able to return to you. To hell with responsibility. I have a responsibility to myself, as well -- and to you. I'm tired of denying that.

I'll return to you as soon as I possibly can, my love. I don't know that I'll be able to show you this letter when I do get back, but at least I've written it out, put my fears down into words that are in black and white, concrete and visual. I've been able to say something that I don't know if I would have the courage to put into spoken words.

There are so many questions in our relationship, aren't there? Questions that neither of us may ever be able to answer. But I do have the answer to one of them. I may not know just what caprice of fate brought us together, or just what the future may have in store for the both of us. But I do know that I'll stay with you in my heart and soul for the rest of my life and beyond. There is no question of that.

I need to learn to put aside my fears, to trust myself and to trust you. I do trust you, Ianto. I trust your heart, more than I've ever been able to trust anyone in all my past lives -- even myself. I know that you'll be there when I return, to welcome me with open arms. I know that my fears of being cast aside are groundless.

But the guilt still clings to me -- and that's what makes me fearful. You've let me go without questions, without expectations. Only that promise between us, the promise that I'll return to you as soon as I can. Your heart is boundless, Ianto, and that's only one of the many things I love about you. You don't put conditions on loving. You simply love, with no boundaries and no barriers. It's a rare quality in anyone.

There's an old human saying that I keep going over and over in my mind. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't -- it never was." I'm yours, Ianto. I always have been, and I always will be. Have no fear of letting me go, my heart. I'll always come back to you. Always.

It won't be long now, beloved. I can't promise tomorrow, but I know that within no more than a handful of days, I'll be back with you. And hopefully, that need to go out and fulfill what I've come to perceive as my destiny will have calmed somewhat, and I'll be able to push that part of my life aside, at least for quite a while, and concentrate on the life I have with you.

Your

Beloved

***