Title: Animorphs: The Torchwood Chronicles
By: amuly
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, but just background-y; whole team involved
Word Count: 2,149
Rating: PG
Summary: What if Torchwood dealt with the Yeerks instead of the Animorph kids? Basic Torchwood “episode”, but using the Yeerks from Animorphs as the alien threat.
Warnings: Crack, rip-off of K.A. ApplegateAnimorphs kids bashing, slightly bestiality reference (couldn’t resist)
A/N: Forgive me for this. 1.] shojokakumeii00 + a random number generator made me do it. It was just a random idea I had dropped onto my prompt list, and the generator picked it out, and then shojo forced me to write it. 2.] I haven’t read Animorphs in about…a decade, so my memory is a bit rusty. Forgive any mistakes. 3.] It’s meant to be a bit cracky and humourous (I mean, Andalites?), so just take it that way.

 An alarm was going off in the Hub. Ianto sighed. Most alarms in the Hub weren’t cause for…well…alarm. Everything had an alarm: cog door opening, alarm; Rift activity, alarm; Owen near the coffee machine, alarm. This particular alarm that was currently wailing was the spacecraft alarm. Someone, or something, was landing a spacecraft somewhere in Cardiff.

            Ianto placed the tray of coffees he had been carrying onto Jack’s desk and moved to grab his coat. Sure enough, Jack came bounding up from his room, pausing only briefly to let Ianto help him into the coat. “Spacecraft alarm?”

            “Spacecraft alarm,” Ianto confirmed.

            “Oh, this is always fun.” Jack wiggled a little in excitement and then jogged out of his office. Ianto followed close by.

            “At least they normally know where they’ve landed…” muttered Ianto, but he followed Jack out.

***

            Fifteen minutes later, the entire Torchwood team stood in front of an alien spacecraft. Tosh was busy scanning the spacecraft, looking for anything malicious. The spacecraft had set down in an abandoned construction site, and seemed to be in good shape. Good, thought Ianto, should be able to take off on its own, then.

            Jack stood in front of the team, waiting for the spacecraft to open. Sometimes it seemed like Jack tried too hard to look impressive: greatcoat flapping in the breeze, legs spread in an intimidating stance. Ianto might have wanted to roll his eyes, if he hadn’t felt a warm tingling at the sight of Jack looking so cool and confident. Damn that man.

            In front of them the spacecraft doors opened slowly, and a ramp descended. Now Ianto really did rolls his eyes. “Like something out of a movie,” he muttered.

            Jack turned toward him slightly. “Be nice…”

            Striding down the ramp, the alien came into view. Ianto raised his eyebrows slightly, glancing over at the other team members who looked just as impressed. The alien was tall, and appeared to be some sort of centaur-esque creature. Body like a horse, four legs on the ground. Then, extending from where the horse’s head might be, a human torso: two arms, a head, the works. His face almost looked human, with its two eyes and some sort of slits for nose, except there was no mouth, and it had another set of eyeballs sitting on top of stalks that grew from the top of his head. Oh, and it was blue. 

            “Greetings. I’m Captain Jack Harkness, these other people are Torchwood. You’ve landed on planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, section plural Z alpha, original home to the human race, Galactic year 889.74 Sorry about the inconvenience, but the human race isn’t supposed to make first contact for another few decades. If your spaceship is still working we’re going to have to ask you to pack up your things and ship out. If not, we’ll help you repair it and get you on your way.”

            <Human. I have business with you.> Ianto noticed Owen and Gwen starting at the voice in their heads. He had already guessed at telepathy; after all, the alien had no mouth. <Your species is in grave danger. You have already been invaded. Do you have a base of operations? I must debrief you and beg for your aid. My name is Trangofor, I am of the species Andalite.>

            Ianto watched as Jack cocked his head to the side slightly. “Andalite, huh? Never heard of you guys, actually. Don’t see why not…” Jack took a small step forward.

            “Jack…”

            “I was saying hello!”

            Ianto pushed past Jack, shooting him a look as he did so. Jack just grinned back happily. “Yes, hello, I am Ianto Jones.” Ianto stuck his hand out, and the alien took it cautiously. “Before we bring you back to your base, could you give us a brief explanation of the threat? We deal with a lot of stuff here in Cardiff, we might have already taken care of it.”

            The Andalite bowed his head respectfully. <Ah, so you control this one here.> Trangofor nodded his head to indicate Jack. <You must be his mate?> Ianto blushed deeply, glancing at Jack. He just stared back, confused.

            “What? Is he saying something?”

            <I can direct my thoughts to address individuals or a group.> Apparently that thought was directed at all of them, because Jack nodded. <The threat I speak of is the Yeerks.> A visual filled Ianto’s mind: a slimy, grey, slug-like creature. He got the sense from the Andalite that it wasn’t very nice. <They are secretly invading your planet even as we speak. Please, if you’ll take me back to your base, I have a presentation that will explain everything.>

            Owen glanced over at Ianto. “An alien race that prepares PowerPoint presentations on its enemies? I think Ianto just found his soul mate.”

            Jack raised an eyebrow. “Can’t say I would mind the centaur look on you, Ianto…”

            Ianto rolled his eyes. “Well, that’s enough of that. Trangofor, we will take you back to your base. But about your spaceship…”

            Behind Trangofor, the spaceship disappeared suddenly. <Will this cloaking device be adequate for now?>

            Beeps and clicks from behind Ianto told him that Tosh was scanning the craft intently. “Wow, invisible on almost all the spectrums, no heat signature…” Tosh looked up and grinned. “Works for me.”

            Jack pushed Ianto aside, obviously trying to take charge again. “Alright Trangofor, you’ve got our attention. Follow us back to Torchwood.”

            ***

            Ianto was passing out the coffee as the Andalite debriefed the team on the situation. Sure enough, he had set up a sort of a slideshow, except it was projecting into their minds instead of on the screen. Still, the similarities between it and a normal PowerPoint were startling: down to the titles on each page and bullet-point information. When he reached the Andalite, Ianto paused. “Sorry, not sure about how you…”

            <We absorb nutrients through our hooves. If you could put the beverage into some sort of shallow dish or bowl, I might sample it.> Ianto nodded, hurrying out of the conference room and trying not to think about how disgusting walking through the underground would be for them.

            He returned with a bowl partially filled with coffee. He set it down beneath the Andalite and backed away, observing quietly. The Andalite paused in his slideshow about the Yeerks to sample the coffee, placing one foot daintily into the bowl. After a moment’s consideration his face lit up, eyes turning up in a sort of smile. <This is exquisite. Thank you, Ianto Jones.>

            Ianto ducked his head calmly. He could practically feel Jack’s pride breaking over him in waves from his right, but he ignored it, opting instead to sit down smoothly in the chair to his left. The chair behind him creaked and Jack’s hand stroked the back of his neck once.

            <The Yeerks and Andalites have been waging war for centuries. The Yeerks are an invasive species: they find a planet, then begin subtly inserting themselves into the people, making hosts of them. They slowly gather more and more hosts, without anyone on the planet knowing, until finally they’ve succeeded in assimilating the entire planet. Then they move on to the next planet, repeating the process over and over again. Already the great Hork-Bajir and Ketran races have succumbed, and the Humans are next.>

            Jack nodded. “Alright, so tell us about the Yeerks. How do they invade and take control?”

            More images and slides flashed through their minds.<The Yeerks can’t do much on their own. What they can do is slither into a human ear and attach themselves to the brain. Once there they gain control quickly, taking over the host body.>

            “Wow, look at how it fits right in there. Maybe not so bad after all. Hey, Ianto…”

            But Ianto was already scrutinizing the page in his head. “No, Jack. Besides, look at what it says there. It releases a numbing chemical around itself as it slides in.”

            “Well that’s no fun.”

            <We do have some ways of combating them already.> Trangofor was apparently ignoring them. <We’ve given our morphing abilities to five human children, but they are outnumbered and overwhelmed.> Basic biographies and pictures flashed across their minds. <We are currently waging a war with the Yeerks’ home planet, and struggling. Otherwise we would send more to combat them on your planet. We do have morphing technology we could offer you…>

            Owen raised his hand. “Yeah, ‘morphing’ technology? And what is that, exactly?”

            Trangofor held out a small cube. <This will give you the ability to absorb the DNA of any creature, and then change into it for two earth-hours.> Tosh was leaning almost across the conference table, trying to get a good scan on the cube.

            “Uh-uh, no way.” Jack shook his head. “We don’t need the help of some alien tech. We’ll do this Torchwood style.

            Ianto cocked his head. “I don’t know, Jack. The ability to turn into any animal? Might come in handy.” Ianto turned to look over his shoulder at Jack, an attempt at an innocent expression across his face.

            Jack raised an eyebrow, then leered. After a moment his shook his head again. “Nope, sorry Ianto. As much fun as that might be…” Jack’s eyes flicked between Ianto and Trangofor, and Ianto knew exactly what Jack was thinking, “I’d rather not risk it.”

            <You two humans.> Trangofor’s eye stalks swiveled to look straight at Jack and Ianto. <Please stop thinking about mating rituals and focus on this. The Yeerks are not to be trifled with.>

            Ianto’s eyes widened and he turned back to focus his attention on the Andalite, feeling not unlike a naughty boy in primary school. Owen nodded at the Andalite again. “Right, so, what’s their biology like? What can kill them, what are their weaknesses?”

            <Outside of a host, they are simple to kill. You can step on them, and they will die. Inside of a host, they die if the host dies quickly. If given the opportunity, a smart Yeerk might be able to leave the host and crawl away before death. Also, every three days a Yeerk must go bathe in a Yeerk pool and absorb Kandrona rays, the rays of their home sun.>

            Owen shook his head. “Well, then what if we just blow up the pools? Will they starve to death?”

            Trangofor nodded gravely. <Yes, that is ultimately the goal. Unfortunately, it is difficult to locate the pools, and they are positioned all across the world…>

            Tosh sprang into action at this. “Do you know of at least one confirmed location of a Yeerk pool?”

            The Andalite nodded, eye-stalks swiveling to her. <Yes, we know of a few.>

            Tosh sprang up, excited. “Well this is easy, then! Come along!” Tosh grabbed one of Trangofor’s arms. “Come on, I need your information. Come on!”

            Trangofor allowed himself to be lead out of the conference room and to Tosh’s workstation. The rest of the team stared as minutes passed in silence punctuated by the clacking of keys: Tosh and Trangofor must be communicating entirely telepathically.

            “There!” Tosh smacked a key triumphantly and stepped back, a huge grin on her face. “That was easy!”

            Gwen, Ianto, Jack, and Owen all gathered around behind her, squinting at her screens. “What did you do?” asked Gwen.

            “I isolated the energy patterns that indicated a Yeerk pool. Then I located those energy patterns everywhere in the world, power-surged the area, and sealed it down with no power. The seals will last four days, just to be safe, and then all the Yeerks will be dead. Easy.”

            Jack clapped her on the back, grinning widely. Owen nodded. “Nice work, Tosh.”

            Trangofor looked wary. <I will wait and see. The Yeerks have never been defeated so easily. In a week’s time, if all seems safe, then I will leave.>

            Gwen smiled sweetly at the alien. “Well, while you’re staying, why don’t we give you a tour around Cardiff? I know someone who works in a Tourist Office, after all.”

            Ianto groaned. Great. Tosh saves the world, and he gets to act as a bloody tour guide.

***

            One week later, and Trangofor was satisfied that the Yeerks had been destroyed. No reinforcement ships had arrived, so they assumed that the Yeerks had thought Earth too much trouble to try again.

            They stood before Trangofor’s ship, saying their last goodbyes. <It amazes me that you five humans were able to defeat the Yeerks so soundly and quickly. The children that we originally recruited…we will be sure to contact you first if we ever notice Earth is in danger. You are truly remarkable.>

            Ianto tensed. He could see it in Jack’s eyes and stance. He was getting ready to say something incredibly cheesy. Sure enough, Jack’s face broke out into a grin, and he stepped forward, tossing his shoulders back: “No. We’re Torchwood.”