Title: Plan B
Author: sqyd
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen, OCs
Rating: R (mostly for language)
Warnings:  mpreg, domesticity, rampant ooc behavior, Jack bashing, implied tentacles - Nothing squicky, I swear, but reading the warnings gives away the story.
Spoilers: CoE – sort of
Word count: 3900
Disclaimers: I don't own Torchwood or any of the characters. If I did, I'd take better care of them.
Summary: Jack messes with the order of things again, and consequently there is an awful lot of running - at least till Ianto stops and demands an explanation.
Beta: The fabulously naughty Rootesie, without whom I’d be strangled by my own errant grammar. Naturally, I kept tinkering. All mistakes are mine.
Notes: This story popped into my head almost fully formed. Immediately I knew it was not something I could write with a straight face, so naturally I assumed it would be a crack!fic. It turned out a little different, but it’s still a very silly story.

*********************************

Ianto was running. Running and cursing Jack. Because Jack, the bloody bastard, just couldn't leave things alone.

One minute he’d been enjoying all the benefits of being dead - no pain, no alarms, no early mornings, no UNIT bureaucrats to placate, no weevils to feed -, next minute he was gasping for breath, his whole body hurting, his lungs burning, and his arse numb from the cold metal tray he'd been lying on. For several minutes he had just stared at the ceiling, the fluorescent light, trying to remember where he was and how he got there. He remembered lying on the floor of a different place. None of it made any sense. He’d been pondering his next move when Jack had popped up, apparently from the floor. His hair had been even spikier than usual, his features all twisted in concentration and who knows what else. On his hands…

"Fuck, Jack!" He sat bolt upright. "Are those Risen Mittens?"

"Ianto!" Had been all that Jack said.

"So you finally figured out that they are meant to be used together?"

"You knew?"

"Knew? No, but it was a pretty safe assumption." Ianto frequently had the distinct impression that his colleagues, despite their considerable intelligence and/or experience were complete idiots.

There hadn't been much conversation since that exchange, except "Run!" and "This way!" and the sort. Ianto ran, and followed, without thinking, because he had been conditioned to do so by years of Torchwood and Jack. First they had been running from UNIT, and that was a blur of corridors, squealing tires, London landscape whizzing by, then the countryside, and eventually various parts of Europe. Whenever they had stopped there had been barely enough time to catch a few hours of uneasy sleep. Ianto felt like he was trapped in one of those Bourne films.

Now they were running again, and he didn’t even know who or what was chasing them. Jack was exactly as bloody uncommunicative as he'd ever been. What was the point of resurrecting someone if you were just going to drag them across half the continent without having a bloody conversation at any point? Ianto leant against the nearest vertical surface trying to catch his breath. It was dark and they were in some shipyard, hiding behind shipping containers. Jack was surveying the area.

"I'll distract the security guard, and you sneak up to that ship there. I'll join you in a few minutes." Jack explained.

"No!"

"What?!" Jack looked at him incredulously, as he tended to when someone challenged him. Ianto had a sense of deja vu.

"I'm not taking another step till you explain to me what the bloody hell is going on."

"Ianto, this is really not the time." Jack hissed.

"It never is, is it? Last I remember, you were freaking out over being called a couple, and now you're dragging me across Europe, and can't be bloody bothered to stop for a bloody minute, and oh, I don't know, give an explanation?!!" He hissed back.

"I wasn't freaking out!"

"Oh yeah?" He pushed himself off the wall, planted his hands on his own hips, cocked his head at a slight angle and gave Jack a challenging look. He spotted the movement in the shadows too late, just a moment before Jack crumpled to the ground. There was a quick, sharp, pinprick-like sensation in his right arse-cheek. He twisted and stared at the dart sticking out of his posterior.

"Fuck." He said and everything went black.

*********************************

Most people when they thought of the Time Agency conjured up images of suave agents dashing through time and space, righting wrongs. In reality there were only a handful of agents, all of them borderline deranged. The majority of the work, the research, analysis, follow-up, etc. were done by uncredited administrators like Xizitlcziztnckltz herself.

Her specialty was conflict resolution involving temporal artifacts - like those two humans in the interrogation room. She had reviewed their files. One was a contemporary, a renegade Time Agent to boost. The other one was an ancient human, all the way back from the 21st century, by Earth's local time. It was standard procedure to use local time, instead of Galactic Standard when dealing with chrono-displaced persons. It unnecessarily complicated things, but helped to put said persons at ease. She'd have to proceed carefully with this ancient human - to him she'd probably look like a "reptile" - a lower life form that had once inhabited parts of Earth. She scoffed at the idea, but she couldn’t expect much from someone from that era. This was a sensitive case and she preferred handling it herself; however at the first sign of psychological stress from the man she'd have to back out and hand the interview over to a human.

She stepped not into the interrogation room but the one next to it. The two rooms were separated by a Hyspero wall - from her side it afforded a clear view into the other room, while from the other side it looked just like any other wall. She took a good look at the two humans. They exhibited strong familiarity with each other, even if not the friendly kind. They seemed to be having a vocal disagreement.

"We wouldn't be in this mess if you just listened to me and followed orders for once!" Griped the one identified by the files as the former Time Agent.

"No, we wouldn't have been in the mess that got us into this mess if only I had stopped following you without a question in the first place. I used to think you knew what you were doing, but these last few weeks, while we were scurrying about I had time to think, and realized you were just winging it." The other one replied.

"That's not fair!"

"Oh? Charge into a building full of people, without evacuating it first, without any protective gear, to chat with a psychotic alien hopped up on drugs, who also has a history of germ warfare, and then shoot at its glass cage filled with deadly gas - again without so much as a gas mask? And I, like an idiot, followed you. I thought you had a plan! I didn't know you were going to make a speech. Who the fuck do you think you are? Captain bloody Kirk?"

She decided that she’d better start the interview before those two caused each other physical harm. She entered the interrogation room looking as non-threatening as she could. She found them sitting in their chairs, silent. They both had their arms crossed over theirs chests and were looking at opposites corners of the room, not at each other. As she entered both heads turned towards her. She was carefully watching the younger looking one - the ancient human - for signs of stress, but he appeared take her in calmly, possibly even curiously. So far so good.

"Hello, my name is Xizitlcziztnckltz, and I'm your case manager. You will remain in the custody of the Time Agency till we determine the most appropriate way to handle your situation."

She looked in alarm as the younger man shook his head in an odd sideways motion.

"It's weird," He said. "I know you're not speaking English, but I can understand every word."

"We outfitted you with a translation implant while you were unconscious," She attempted to calm him.

He looked back at her with narrowed eye-slits that she recognized as displeasure.

"The Fish is perfectly harmless, I can assure you." She went on.

"Fish?"

"The inventor named it B-Fish. He never explained why."

"Let me guess, he was a nerd?"

"Sorry?"

"Bad hair cut, questionable personal hygiene, never had a girlfriend? Or boyfriend?" He added quickly.

"Gill Bates was an eccentric, but he had many partners… after he got rich, anyway." She finished a little uncertainly. "Why do you ask?"

"Nothing, never mind."

Was he smirking? No, it had to be some pre-evolutionary expression. Well, at least he didn’t exhibit any signs of panic or hostility. She pulled open her data-screen.

"Perhaps we should proceed." She looked at the other man. "According to our records you are a Time Agent reported missing in action on Arcateen V in 350-017-25 Standard Galactic. Agent THX-0069…"

She halted worriedly at the sound of the strange choking sound coming from the younger human. No, he looked all right, just coughing. The other one bared his teeth in a manner that in humans indicated one being extremely pleased with oneself. With certain species such display of incisors would had been a sign of aggression, but not with humans, so she went on.

 "Agent 69…" That choking-coughing sound from the other man again…

"Look, you better call me Jack, or he'll choke to death." He cocked his head towards his companion.

"If you wish. It has been discovered that you landed in a prohibited time-sector of Earth without permission and carried out unauthorized manipulations of the local time line. These are very serious charges. What can you say in your defense?"

"I do not wish to discuss my reasons." The man replied.

His expression was unmistakably defiant. She could feel her facial lamellae rippling as sign of her displeasure. She got her irritation under control, and continued.

"Fortunately for you, the Time Stream corrected all damage you caused within one local century. Except one: Evidently, you restored the timeline of this individual," She nodded towards the younger one, "after it was terminated. You resurrected him."

"I told you!" The man in question burst out, but it was not directed at her, but at Agent… "Jack".

"I told you there would be paperwork! I told you last time, but you didn't listen!"

"Relax Ianto, this is not the Afterlife, just the Time Agency!"

"I fail to see how that's any better."

The two glared at each other at a clearly hostile manner.

"Ahem." They ignored her. "Do you mind?"

"Sorry ma'am," The younger one turned back with a polite and possibly smug expression. "Please, continue."

The other one, the one insisting on being called Jack, turned back too, with a disgruntled look on his face.

"Where was I… Ah yes, we ran probability calculations, and you staying in your period would create adverse and long-lasting effects on the Time Stream. We had to extract you, Mister Jones." 

She consciously used the correct, if archaic, honorific. Paying attention to tiny details like that were what made her so good at her job. She allowed herself a moment of pride before continuing.

"The strange thing is that you weren't even supposed to die at that time. According to our data, you were supposed to live to the age of 82 - I believe that was considered good in your time period. Something happened to you between the ages of 24 and 27 that altered your timeline."

The two humans went through subtle transformations. Jack's top dermal layer got darker in the reddish zone. Mr. Jones got pale. Paler.

"Another unusual aspect of this is that Hal can't pinpoint the cause of this deviation. Our conjecture is that it must have been a chain of events. That time segment is most inexplicably unclear."

"HAL?" Asked Mr. Jones, evidently curiosity distracting him from whatever emotion had caused his color shift.

"Our mainframe. It calculates probability among other things." This human had the most unpredictable reactions.

"You named your computer HAL?"

"Yes, after Hal Clarke, the first director of the Time Agency."

The skin on the bridge of his nose and the adjacent part of his forehead wrinkled. Mister. Jones had a very expressive face for a human.

"As you see Mister Jones..."

"Call me Ianto."

"Thank you, Ianto. You can call me Xi."

"I intend to."

"As you see, Ianto, we need to go through that period of your life in minute detail if we hope to have chance to uncover the underlying cause and correct it."

*********************************

The interview went on quite a while. Ianto's answers were being fed directly to Hal, but none of it affected a meaningful difference on the calculations.

"Sexual partners?" She asked.

"Pardon me?"

"It maybe a relevant detail."

"Lisa Hallet, Jack Harkness, Owen Harper, Jack Harkness."

"What?!" Jack's head whipped around.

"What?" Ianto answered in a different tone. "You were gone. It was convenient. You'd think that you of all people would understand."

"It's not that. I just didn't figure you... I didn't think you liked angry sex."

"There you go, making assumptions. I'll have you know Owen was a real pussycat in bed. Generous, tender and appreciative. It's too easy to make the wrong assumptions about others. Most people wouldn't guess how much you enjoy being a bottom."

"There's nothing wrong with..."

"Of course not, that's not my point."

"Any others?" She cut in before they got too far off-track.

"Well, there were a few..."

"Dozen." Added Jack helpfully.

"But I don't remember their names. Do you Jack?"

"That red-head was Jody, I think."

"Are you sure it wasn't Clarice?"

"No, Clarice was the..."

"Thank you, that'll do for now." She cut in again. "I have to step out to check something. I'll be back shortly." She said and left the room.

She didn’t go far, only to the observation room next door. Her assistant, Minouette was waiting there for her - at the moment absorbed by the sight of the humans who started talking again.

"I meant to ask you," started Ianto. "Where did you get another set of gloves?"

"Oh, they were on sale. Evidently, when used properly they kill the wearer. The inventor went bankrupt."

"You shouldn't have used it."

Jack looked at the other man with a stubborn expression.

"I..." he started, but then he halted. "A child should have at least two parents. Three or four is better, but two at least." He finally blurted out.

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

"You knocked me up."

"You don't look pregnant."

"Sprog pod. Samyek technology. It can hold a fetus in stasis or bring it to term. Very practical."

"Where is it?"

"At a safe place, with someone I trust."

For a moment the man, Ianto, sat there looking at the other one with a strange squint.

“You could have just stayed with him this time. You two make sense together.”

“I’ll always feel wrong to him.”

Another moment of silence.

“Did he know what you were up to?”

“No. He might have not approved. I didn’t want to chance it.”

"Ok, let's suppose, just for now, that you're telling the truth, why do you think it's mine?"

"Who else's would it be? I wasn't pregnant when we found out about Gwen or it would have shown up on the scan too, and anyway there was the… explosion. So it had to be that one last time - in that red sports car, remember?"

"Weren't you on Earth for another six months?"

"So?"

"So, you weren't exactly the exclusive type even when we were together. I wouldn't expect you to have changed after I died."

At this Jack turned even deeper red than previously.

"Just for you information, I consider your outdated notions of monogamy the most ridiculous thing ever invented by mankind, but I wasn't shagging anyone else. Except when we both were, obviously. Anyway, I just wasn't in the mood after... everything."

“Wait a minute… Didn’t you…”

“No, the virus didn’t kill me. We’ve been inoculated for it in my time. It was an accelerated version and I went into a coma for a while. The fetus was protected by my nanogenes.”

Xizitlcziztnckltz turned to Minouette whose feline features wrinkled in an attempt to please. Xizitlcziztnckltz shot an inpatient look at the data scroll in her assistant's hand. It was supposed to be the medical record.

"Oh yeah," Minouette started, whiskers twitching. "Jones' health is within acceptable parameters for his own time period, although poor by current standards; nothing a few shots couldn't fix. Agent THX-0069 is in perfect health, and shows signs of recent pregnancy. Early stage."

Well that certainly complicated things, she thought to herself. Not that the termination of the artefacts wasn’t still an option, but there would be twice as much red tape. Those bleeding hearts at the Human Affairs department would throw a fit. Her train of thought was interrupted by Director Sheldrake entering the room. He wasn’t wasting time on social niceties.

"What do we have? Have you made any progress?"

"We haven't uncovered anything relevant, Director. It doesn't matter anyway; we can't let them re-enter that space-time location."

The Director gave her a pinched look.

"I just got a call from a certain time traveler."

"Goddess! No, not Him?" Her customary calm abandoned her in a heartbeat. She didn’t want to think about what this news might mean.

"Yes. He expressed his concern for the well being of these two. He threatened to pay a visit in case they were mistreated."

"No, please not that." She groaned. "Things always go cactus fruit-shaped when he’s around."

"You better find a suitable solution then."

The sudden purring sound coming from Minouette made them turn towards her and then following her gaze towards the other room. The two humans evidently had resolved their disagreement. They appeared disheveled, and by all appearances copulating. That Jack really seemed to like bottoming. The three of them watched the display in rapt silence, except of course for Minouette's purring. Xizitlcziztnckltz had always found the mating practices of other species both fascinating and baffling. The females of her species laid eggs and the males fertilized them; a very practical and straightforward process. Things like "arousal" never played a part. She was familiar with the concept, on the abstract level anyway. She had seen its effects on others as well - like Minouette and Director Sheldrake at that moment. This gave her an idea.

"New Belize in the 25th century!" She was still thinking Earth local time out of habit.

"Go on." The Director said encouragingly.

"It's freshly colonized at that point, excellent terraforming, mostly warm climate, lots of beaches. Eventually it becomes one of the major vacation planets, quite crass and commercial, but during those early days it's a virtual paradise. Still, populating it takes some effort, since the conditions are always somewhat basic on new colony planets. The way these two are going at it, they could set an example. Evidently, they are also fertile."

The Director nodded, still not taking his eyes off the proceedings next door.

"Run the numbers. If they are within acceptable range, proceed with the plan."

*********************************

"Gwen, Tosh!" Ianto shouted as he neared the house.

The twins came running from around the corner, shrieking in delight. They were dirty from head to toe, but he dropped to his knees and hugged them close anyway. He finally pulled back, sitting back on his heels.

“Why are you so dirty?”

“We were playing!” Gwen declared proudly.

"Where is your brother?" He asked.

"Daddy Jack's watching him." Replied Gwen.

"Like he's been watching you?"

"Yeah!" She agreed happily.

Tosh, the quieter of the two was just smiling and twirling one of her pigtails with her tiny fingers.

"Well, let's go, let’s say hello to the boys!" He straightened up.

The girls scampered back the way they came, he followed them. He found Anik sitting and grinning delightedly in a puddle of mud that Ianto was sure hadn’t been there that morning. There was nary a clean spot on his green skin or little blue shorts.

"You know, the idea of "watching the kids" is to keep them out of the mess." He scolded Jack.

"Where’s the fun in that?"

Jack's grin was as big and happy as Anik's. Despite all the greenness the little boy looked so much like Jack already. He’d be trouble once he grew up. Ianto sighed in surrender.

"Where are Liana and Felix?"

"Liana went to the market, should be home soon. Felix is in the nursery fussing over the eggs. He thinks they'll be hatching soon." They called Felix a “he” for simplicity’s sake, since “his” gender was a bit complicated.

The girls joined their brother in the puddle, getting inordinate amount of delight from the mud squishing between their little toes. Jack and Ianto stood with arms around each other, watching their simple joy.

Every once in a while, when he had least expected it, the peculiarity of it all hit Ianto; it reminded him of that old TV show (he couldn’t remember its title) with the couple and their many children. Their odd little brood was like that, but with aliens, and they were not a couple, but a quadruple. Liana was only part human, and Felix not at all (Jack had been right about tentacles). He couldn’t even imagine what the little ones soon to emerge from Felix’s eggs would look like. It was strange for all of it to feel so perfectly normal.

"Are you all right? You look a little cross-eyed." Asked Jack with concern.

"Oh nothing, I was just thinking how a few hundred years and a little alien influence can change social norms."

Jack laughed, tugged him closer, and kissed him on the temple.

"You've been coping well. I’ve always said you were very flexible for a 21st century man."

"I think the context in which you said it was quite different."

Jack just smirked at him.

"How did the meeting go?" Jack asked.

"Good. Minouette was disappointed that you weren't there, but otherwise it was fine. By all evidence, we haven't destroyed the fabric of the universe yet, or threaten to do so."

"That's good to know."

“She said something interesting. She thinks the Universe tends to balance things out. She has a theory that our existence here, our little family fills a whole that was created by another temporal anomaly.”

“Hmm, there might be something to that. I should ask the Doctor when he visits next time.”

"I gave her the thing. She said she'd check with Hal, and if it's okay, she'll make sure Gwen gets it."

"Good."

"C'mon, let's get the kids cleaned up before Liana gets home or she'll have our heads."

Ianto picked up a protesting Anik, while Jack grabbed the girls, and carried them under his arms like two ripe watermelons. They were squealing in pleasure.

*********************************

Gwen looks at the photo again. It's not like any photograph she’s ever seen before. It has a sense of depth, without the distracting visual shortcomings of the "3D" photos she's familiar with. It's printed on a slim sheet. She can fold it roll, it up, scratch it without leaving a mark. Still, it's unmistakably a photo. It must have been taken on a beach. The figures are sitting on colorful blankets thrown over the sand. There are birds in the blue sky behind. Jack sits in the middle, Ianto next to him, leaning against him. On Jack’s other side there is a green-skinned woman, with green hair and green eyes. In her lap is a little girl, about three years old, tan skin like Jack's, dark hair, blue eyes, little button nose. Ianto's holding an identical little girl. In Jack's lap there’s a little boy, about a year younger than the girls, green skin, but blue eyes and brown hair. They all look towards the photographer whose shadow is cast on the sand in front of them. Its shape is unidentifiable.

She found the picture in her mailbox one day, in an unmarked envelope, without a word of explanation. It makes her sad, and makes her hopeful. She misses them, and she wishes they were back, but hopes that, all the evidence to the contrary, maybe they are both out there, and they are all right. And that's something.

Fin


*********************************

End Notes:

Well … As I said, I meant this to be a crack!fic, but it ended up coming out a bit more earnest. Since it was one of those stories that just write themselves, I opted to go with the flow. Still, it’s meant to be tongue in cheek, and I’m not too particular about whose tongue in whose cheek. In general, domesticity and mpreg aren’t my cup of tea. The only serious mpreg fic I ever really liked was Get Loved, Make More, Try to Stay Alive by dsudis, and that was “less than 19% mpreg by volume”. Btw, I appropriated her “sprog pod” alien device. It’s been done with the outmost respect and adoration.

There are all sorts of silly references in the story. Aside from the really obvious ones, Minouette is a riff of “minou” – French for kitten. Felix is named after Jack Lemmon’s character in the Odd Couple. I adore Jack Lemmon, and felt that the characters matched. Also, I wanted the most alien of them to have a very normal human name. Director Sheldrake got his name from the boss of another Jack Lemmon movie, The Apartment. Liana means vine, and I figured that went with the green. Other names were taken from Doctor Who cannon.

It’s my underlying belief that if Jack died while pregnant he’d reset, so I had to find a way around it. Thus the coma. As a beneficial side effect, the nanogenes protecting the fetus(es) would explain while the kiss didn’t work on Ianto. In the cannon it’s never explained if Jack’s “kiss of life” is caused by Vortex energy or nanogenes. Maybe both. In episode Day One when Jack kisses the girl possessed by the alien sex gas there is a lot of vortexy gold glowing going on. When he kisses Ianto in Cyberwoman there is zero glowing.