Title: To Be Free
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 2
Prompt: 74, Freedom
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.***
Dear Jack,
It's been a long time since I've spoken with you, hasn't it? It's not that I'm avoiding you; I wouldn't do that. Well, all right, maybe I am, a bit. There are still so many things about you that make me uneasy, things that I don't understand.
I've told you that before, and I know that it hurt you when I said those words. I didn't mean to hurt you; you have to know that. I only meant that there were things that had happened to you that were outside my comprehension, as much as I hate to admit that.
You know how much I've always hated to admit that I don't understand something. Maybe that's a failing of mine, to not want to admit that I can't grasp some things in the world. It's not a trait I'm proud of, but it's there nonetheless.
To be perfectly honest, Jack, sometimes you frighten me. Not you, but what you are now. I'll never be able to understand it -- I know why and how it happened, but it's not something that should ever have taken place.
And it's not that I don't love you and accept you even though I don't understand what you are now. Never think that. You know how I've always felt about you.
I've not always shown those feelings, I know. And I've given voice to them even less. Maybe I should have done that; maybe that would have kept us together longer as companions. Maybe we'd have been lovers for much longer than we were. I don't know.
I don't want either of us to look back at the past and mourn. We had our time together, and it was wonderful. For me, at least. I hope you felt the same about it. I'll understand if you don't, even though I have to admit it would hurt.
Are you happier now that you're working with Torchwood? I know it's a great deal of responsibility, but that's never been something you shied away from. You're not afraid of the things that terrify most of the human race. Perhaps that's part of what drew me to you.
In a way, I always knew that was one of the things that would take you away from me in the end -- your need to take responsibility, even when it's not yours. In the back of my mind, I always knew that you couldn't stay with me forever.
It was a bitter pill for me to swallow, to know that the one person who could stay with me forever wasn't going to do it.
That's why I left, Jack. I couldn't stay on Earth, even part of the time, and know that you were growing further and further away from me. I don't blame you for that. Everyone has to grow and change in their own way. But it hurt too much to see you do it.
As much as I wanted to beg you to stay with me, I wasn't going to do that. It would have had to be your choice; I wanted you to stay of your own free will, because you wanted to. If you couldn't do that, then I had to let you go.
I looked at it as giving you your freedom -- and taking mine, as well.
Yes, I miss you. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of you -- and certainly not a night. There are times when it's hard to lie down in the bed that I shared with you and know that you'll never be there again.
But that's part of growing and changing, isn't it? Learning to put the past behind you, to take the good parts of it and cast the bad parts aside. I still have a hard time looking back at the past and not feeling a little bitter, but that will pass.
We all have to learn to take the bad with the good, and I know that you and I would eventually have parted. It's good that we chose our separate paths when we did; if we hadn't, then we might have ended up resenting each other in the long run.
I don't hold your leaving against you -- and I hope you don't hold it against me that I really haven't been good at staying in touch. It's not easy for me to do, you know. It's not as though I have a fixed address where you can send mail.
But I'll pop up in your life from time to time, never fear. Only in a good way -- I hope. There's really no teling, not with the sort of life that I lead.
The future is always so uncertain, even for me. I've learned never to look into my own future; I'd rather not know what's going to happen to me. Then, I might try to avoid it, and I also know the folly of tampering with one's own timeline.
I don't want to know what will eventually happen. I'd rather be able to live my life as it comes to me, without any promises or any guarantees. It would be nice to have those things, but it would take a lot of the excitement out of life. I wouldn't want that.
One thing that I do know -- that I will always be a part of your life, and you a part of mine. We gave each other the gift of freedom, but I don't believe that I'll ever be completely free of you. You've lodged in my soul, Jack, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have no idea when I'll see you again; I'm leaving this letter at the Hub so that you'll at least know that I'm still thinking of you. I hope you'll look up at the stars once in a while and you'll think of me, too -- and that those thoughts will be good ones.
There are times when it feels good to be free. I hope you feel the same.
Always,
The Doctor***
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- Amazon.com - Torchwood: Children of Earth
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- Amazon.ca link - Torchwood - The Complete First Season (7DVD)