Title: Behind Closed Doors
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 41, Sphinx
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Dear Doctor,

The longer I'm here on the Tardis with you, the more comfortable I am with that existence. It feels like home here now, and I can't think of any other place I'd rather be. The life I led before we met seems very far away to me now.

Do I miss Cardiff? Sometimes, yes. Just as there are times when I have pangs of nostalgia for the flat I had in London in the time I lived there, and for my childhood home. But I suppose everyone feels that way about the places from their past.

I know that you feel the same way about your home, though I don't want to get into that subject. The last thing I want to do is to make you sad or melancholy with these letters I write to you. I want them to bring you happiness, and put a smile on that beautiful face.

You seem to be smiling more lately, which lightens my heart. I know that you've been under a great deal of stress in the last few weeks.

It's hard for me to be completely relaxed, too. It always feels as though the Master is somehow around us, just waiting to spring out. As long as he's free, running amok somewhere in the universe, I doubt either of us will ever feel totally at ease.

Sometimes I look at you and wonder what's going on in your head, what your worries are, what your fears are. I know that you'd tell me if I asked, but somehow, it seems so intrusive to do that. So I just wonder, and wait for you to bring up the subject.

You do, at times. Usually when we're in bed, after we've made love, and you're in an introspective sort of mood. Have I ever told you how much I love those times? I love that you feel comfortable enough with me to share those thoughts and feelings.

And then there are times when you're more closed, and obviously not ready to talk about what you're feeling. I respect that; everyone has to have their private spaces, and I don't expect you to share every nuance of your emotions at all times.

It's when you have that contemplative look on your face, when you're as inscrutable as the Sphinx, that I have the tendency to back away from questions and leave you to your own thoughts.

Maybe I shouldn't do that. Maybe I should be more insistent on having you tell me what you're thinking and feeling at that precise moment. But I don't want you to feel as though I'm pushing you to give up all of your thoughts if you don't feel like doing so.

You share everything with me, Doctor. I have no doubt that if you harbor something inside that you aren't ready to reveal at any particular moment, you will in time. That's the sort of relationship we've always had -- a give and take, in a way.

At one time, I would have thought that I was the one giving more. But that attitude changed quickly; it's always been you who've given me more than I've had any right to ask for, or expect. I've always known that, even when I didn't admit it.

I've grown so much in the time that I've known you. I believe that I've become a better man, and that's due to you and your influence in my life.

There have been so many different people in my life who've influenced me, so many that I've admired. People that I've worked with, or known as friends. Even people who I've only admired from afar, who I'll never meet.

It's just occurred to me that I could meet those people now that I'm travelling with you. There are so many things that I could do; so many things that I never would have believed were possible before, doors that have always been closed.

Now, those doors have been flung open; there are so many roads in my life that were locked and bolted in the past that are wide open. You've done that for me, Doctor; you've given me a myriad of choices that I would otherwise never have had.

But the most important thing that you've given me is your love, and your trust. I know how hard it must have been to let yourself open up completely after all that you've been through, all that you've seen of the world and how ugly it can be.

So many people would have turned their backs on the wonder and the beauty that still exists, letting their souls be tarnished by the ugliness.

You're not like that. You'll always see the bad side, of course; you're too much of a pragmatist to pretend that it isn't there. But you'll always be able to see the beauty along with it; you'll always have that childlike wonder somewhere inside you.

There's a part of you that always tries to hide that innocence away behind your inscrutable mask. I can't help but wonder if, when you're sitting meditatively and staring into space like the Sphinx on her pedestal, your mind is working at its most rapid rate.

Maybe other people are fooled by that seeming quietude. But I'm not. I know you far too well by now. I know that when you're physically at rest, that's when you're mentally zooming ahead at the speed of light, putting two and two together and making five.

That's one thing that I wish you could impart to me -- that ability of yours to mask the workings of your mind. But it's something that each person has to find for themselves, and though I'm trying to reach that part of myself, I haven't succeeded yet.

I'm working on it, though. I might not ever be as good at it as you are, but I'm getting there. Though I'd never be able to hide that side of myself from you.

Nothing in me will ever be a secret from you, Doctor. I'm willing to let you see everything of me, know everything -- even the sides of myself that are less than attractive. That's all I have to offer you -- and I do it willingly.

I know that you'll eventually drop that inscrutable mask that you wear at times and let me see those thoughts you hide behind closed doors. It may take a while for them to come out, but they always do. And I promise to keep them safe, and hold them close to my heart.

Yours always,

Ianto

***