Title: Love Bites
Author: sqyd
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Rating: R
Warnings: fluffy smut
Spoilers: none
Word count: 1800
Disclaimers: I don't own Torchwood or any of the characters. If I did, I'd take better care of them.
Summary: Ianto has fans.
Beta: The fabulously naughty Rootesie.
Notes: The fluff exploded all over my well intended smut. Not safe for diabetics. May cause tooth decay.

It was a cold February morning. Ianto Jones had done his morning duties, all his charges were fed, watered, caffeinated. With a satisfied sigh he settled behind the tourist office counter and set off to do what he normally did about once a week: look for traces of Torchwood and it's employees on the World Wide Web. It was his job - one of many - to make sure that the conspiracy theorists didn't come close to the truth, and were administered generous doses of Retcon if they did.

This crisp morning was shaping up like any other till he stumbled upon The Site. The Site was in Japanese, except for the words 'Ianto Jones' and a pictures of said 'Ianto Jones' in a company of a large group of very giggly and very young Japanese girls, in the oversized banner that took up almost half of the page. He remembered a group of girls from last year around Christmas time; they giggled a lot and insisted on taking a group picture with him. The layout of the site was appalling, the links in Japanese, and Ianto couldn't make heads or tails of any of it, so he copied the URL and emailed it to Tosh.

A few minutes later he hovered behind Tosh as she navigated the web site.

"It looks like you have a fan site, Ianto." She declared with a sweet smile.

"But why? I'm not a film star or some ponce on TV." He objected dazed and confused.

"Did you ever mention James Bond to them?"

"I might have." He admitted bashfully.

"They seem to be under the impression that you are some sort of international man of mystery, and so is Jack." She added as they hit upon a page that contained low resolution, blurry pictures of him and Jack that were mostly innocent - 'mostly' being the key word. Innocent from a bystander’s point of view, anyway, because how would a bystander know that the vacuous look on Ianto's face (and the smug one on Jack's) in one particular picture had something (everything) to do with a certain remote controlled vibrating egg?

"What does it say?" He asked.

Tosh ignored him and kept on clicking till she got to a page that looked like a stick-insect mass-orgy to Ianto, but apparently made sense to her. For long minutes she was reading and scrolling, and clicking and skimming through pages and pages of text.

"Oh." She said in the end.

"What do you mean, "Oh"?" He pressed her.

Tosh was now a lovely shade of pink.

"It's..." Her coloration darkened to salmon.

"Well?" Ianto pressed on.

"It's stories - about you, and Jack." She blurted out, turning dark red.

"What?"

"It's all fiction. Stories they made up about you being this international man of mystery, Jack being your sidekick, or nemesis, depending on the writer. Either way, you always end up, ehrm, together. They are very... detailed." Tosh gazed up at him, doing her worst imitation of an innocent look. "Do you really use strawberry flavored lube?"

"Tosh!" His color now matched hers.

"I'm sorry, really sorry, it's just..." She trailed off. "...It’s so much more romantic in writing than on the CCTV."

"TOSH!!!"

"What are you kids up to?"

With all the distractions neither of them noticed Jack coming up behind them, and that was something; Jack was not the silently sneaky type.

"Wow, Ianto!" Jack exclaimed at the sight of the oversized header. "Is there something I should know? Are you holding out on me?"

"Seriously Jack!" Ianto rolled his eyes.

"I don't mind..." Jack sidled closer to him. "...but I thought we agreed to share."

"Hrm." Ianto cleared his throat. "I think those girls were in the tourist office last year - just after Christmas. They looked like ordinary tourists."

"Who would visit Cardiff during Christmas?" Jack - very casually - put a hand on Ianto's shoulder - just a friendly gesture between colleagues, mind you.

"Buddhists? Crazy Japanese teenagers? They were very giggly. I think it was just two days before that succubus came through - remember Jack?"

Jack took a deep breath, and squeezed Ianto's shoulder. Ianto was pretty sure it coincided with clenched buttocks on Jack's part. Ianto smirked. They had some good times after that, he and Jack. It was Tosh who interrupted their reverie.

"Ahem."

"Ah yeah, so Tosh, what's all this about?" Jack turned to her.

"A Ianto Jones fan site, with stories. Don't look at me like that, I don't understand it either."

"Hm, I want those stories translated, on my desk by noon tomorrow."

*******************

The next day was quietly busy. Owen spent the day hunched over noxious looking substances in petri dishes. Tosh was busily translating. Her home-brewed translation program was doing most of the work, but she still had to check syntax and grammar - an activity that apparently made her hot and bothered. Gwen, quieter than usual after her trip to Flat Holm, was up to her eyeballs in paperwork. Ianto spent most of the day blissfully uninterrupted in the archives. Jack was doing whatever Jack was doing when he was alone in his office. He took off late afternoon with a "Don't wait up for me, kids!" shout.

When Ianto emerged from the depths of the Hub he found the main level dark and deserted. He walked to Jack's empty office, poked his head down into the bedroom, only to find it just as vacant. Walking past the desk he spotted Tosh's translations. He picked them up and rifled through the pages. Several passages were highlighted, and there were notes on the margins in red ink. Hm, this was going to be interesting. He settled in Jack's chair, kicked his shoes off, leaned back, and putting his feet upon the desk he began to read.

It was a while till Jack got back. He was carrying a brown paper bag that he plopped on the desk.

"Hello there, Tiger Pants." Jack leaned in and gave him a peck on the lips before settling his shapely rump next to Ianto's feet. Ianto was going to say something about inappropriate pet names, but forgot all about it when Jack took one of Ianto's feet into his lap and began gently kneading it. He closed his eyes and gave himself over the physical sensations. Most people in general didn't pay much attention to feet, and that was unfortunate. Luckily, Jack wasn't most people. No, Jack was undoubtedly, and often times, vexatiously unique.

"So, how do you like the stories?" Jack asked.

"Mrphf? Oh. Not very realistic. Even you have a longer refractory period than the fictional me. And this..." He held out the printout with its highlighted section. "...I'm pretty sure this is physically impossible."

"I don't know, Ianto, you are pretty flexible."

"Sorry, but humans don't bend that way."

Jack laughed mirthfully and switched feet - Ianto's that is. The owner of said feet went on.

"You being my sidekick is a bit funny, I admit, but do they really think that we spend all day shagging like a couple of sex-crazed bunnies?"

"I'm pretty sure I saw some plot on page three."

"Hmm, tearful confessions of love between angry sex and make-up sex don't count as plot."

"A jaded cynic you are, Ianto Jones." Jack swept Ianto's feet to the ground, launching himself off the desk to straddle Ianto's lap. "Too bad, because you'd make a cute sex-crazed bunny; twitchy nose, fluffy tail..."

Jack was peppering small soft kisses along his left eyebrow, his temple, down along his cheek, his neck... Aah. Jack canted his hips, crushing Ianto's thighs more than he already had.

"Oof! You should lay off the doughnuts, Jack, you're getting heavy." He patted Jack's bum affectionately.

Jack chuckled and climbed off, pulling the other man up with him.

"C'mon Fluffers, come down my rabbit hole."

"Jack!"

Ianto was really going to let him have it about inappropriate pet names this time, but as soon as he opened his mouth, Jack's lips were on his. The kiss was languorous, just as was the slow grinding motion of his pelvis. Without doubt Jack was in the mood for going slow. This could be a long night, Ianto thought. Small hairs all over his body stirred in excitement. He let Jack drag him into his bunker.

Jack unwrapped him slowly, deliberately, seeming intent on inspecting every inch of his body, and putting the Jack Harkness seal of approval on it with his lips, tongue or teeth. Jack was a twisted bastard who unraveled Ianto with a merciless precision till he was reduced to a crumpled, squirming heap of desire. He cursed Jack in several languages, some that he made up on the spot. He tried to wriggle for some more friction, but he was effectively pinned down.

"Fuck me Jack, or I'll strangle you with your own jockstrap!"

"Well, that could be...Aah!"

Ianto managed to bite Jack over his clavicle quite hard. That at last spurred Jack into action, albeit his pace was still maddeningly measured. Jack didn't practice self-control, but when he did, he did it to the extreme. He clearly extracted perverse joy out of Ianto twisting in frustration beneath him. By the time Jack had mercy on him and nailed him to the mattress Ianto was a whimpering puddle of pleasure. His release likely fried a few of his synapses, because he barely registered Jack collapsing over him. Jack must have enjoyed himself too, judging from the satisfied groan he made as he rolled off him.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Ianto knew he should take a shower or something, but was too gelatinous to move. He draped himself over Jack with a huff. They lay there in sleepy contentment, and he was about to drift off when he felt Jack quietly shaking under him.

"What are you laughing about?"

"I just realized: this is when we're supposed to have some plot."

"Mmmpff."

With one fluid move Jack rolled them over till they were chest-to-chest, nose-to-nose, Jack on top.

"I love you like the moon and the stars, my sweet little sex-crazed fluffy bunny."

Ianto groaned.

"Jack, that was terrible."

For a moment the playfulness dropped from Jack's face and he looked very serious.

"You know I do, right?"

Ianto felt himself turning crimson, and had to force himself not to look away. He nodded.

"You're supposed to say it back, you know." Jack added.

Ianto managed to suppress an involuntary eye-roll.

"I love you too." At the sight of Jack's raised eyebrows and the smile playing in the corner of his lips he reluctantly added: "Fluffy-pooh?"

After they broke their kiss, and with some of his dignity salvaged, Ianto stated:

"If you breath a word about this in public..."

"I know, strangulation by underwear."

"And by the way, that still wasn't plot."

"We could go catch a couple of Weevils."

"How about we take a shower instead?"

"Now, that really won't lead to plot."

"I don't care."

 

Fin.


A/N: My menagerie is all messed up. Fairies for Christmas, hedgehogs for New Year, and bunnies for Valentine's Day. What will Easter bring? Giraffes? Unicorns? Your guess is as good as mine.
Time to time I like referencing fics that I like or find inspirational. Remote controlled vibrating egg action is courtesy of remuslives23.