Title: We Can't Go Wrong
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, letter100
Prompt: 97, Reunited
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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Dear Doctor,

I should be curled up in bed asleep with you at the moment, but after the nightmare I had, I couldn't go back to sleep. And I didn't want to wake you with my restless tossing and turning, so here I am, at the desk in our bedroom on the Tardis writing to you instead.

What was the nightmare? The same one that usually attacks me when I least expect it -- remembering that horrible time when I thought the two of us were over for good, when you gave yourself to the Master and had turned away from me.

I can honestly say that was the worst time of my life -- worse than after Lisa died, worse than when Jack and I decided that our relationship was over, worse than anything that's ever happened to me. It's not a time I want to remember at all.

But those nightmares force me into it. They won't let me forget; they keep coming into the forefront of my mind in my dreams, grabbing me by the throat and making those feelings of helplessness and fear come rushing back as though they had never been gone.

It's not your fault, Doctor. You might say that it is because you were the one who went to him, but you only did that because you felt that you didn't have any choice. I don't blame you, my love. I drove you away; you didn't go because you wanted to.

You went because you felt that we couldn't be together any more -- and that was entirely my fault. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for causing you to feel that way.

I hope that never happens again, Doctor -- me making you feel as though we have no future, that you can't be with me. I never meant to drive you away in the first place; if only I hadn't been so stubborn and had tried to see your side of things, I wouldn't have.

If I ever did lose you because of my own stupidity, my world would be over. I've come so close to it once -- and I can't deny that I'm terrified the same thing might happen again. I know you'd never leave me again of your own free will, but I can't help being afraid.

Not afraid that you would leave, but afraid that you might be taken from me. I know that the Master isn't above that, especially since he feels that he somehow "owns" you. And I can't protect you all the time -- though sometimes I don't do a very good job of that.

I really need to stop castigating myself about that, I know. But I think that a part of me will always feel guilty for making you feel like that -- and feel inadequate because I couldn't rescue you by myself, and I had to depend on two other people to help.

I'll always be grateful to Jack and Owen for helping me find you and get you out of there. If it wasn't for them, there's no telling what could have happened. But I still feel as though I should have been able to save the man I love on my own.

I don't think it's possible to put into words how I felt during that time. I knew that I hadn't lost you, thanks to the pendant connecting us -- but I couldn't help wondering if I would.

That's more frightening than anything else I could possibly contemplate. I can't imagine a world without you in it, Doctor. That world wouldn't be worth living in, not for me. You see, not only do I love you more than life itself -- I need you. I always will.

When we found you, I'd thought that would send relief crashing through me -- and in some ways, it did. But to see what he'd done to you -- that was almost as terrifying as the thought of losing you. To know that he'd been able to cause you that kind of pain, and that I hadn't been able to stop it.

I'm just glad that we could get you out of there, and that you've recovered from everything that took place. I know that you aren't 100% over it -- I doubt if either of us will ever be able to keep that time out of our minds forever -- but at least you aren't irrevocably marked.

No, that isn't true. Both of us are are marked by that time of our lives -- how could we not be? That's been the only thing that's shaken the foundation of what we have. Something that pulled us apart, at least for a while, couldn't help but leave an indelible impression behind.

When we were reunited, that was one of the moments of my life that I knew would stay with me for the rest of my days. The first time that I held you in my arms after we'd rescued you, I knew that you were still mine. Without words, I could feel that you still belonged to me.

That was my greatest fear during that time -- not only that we wouldn't be reunited, but that if we were, you wouldn't feel the same about us being together.

Nothing has ever scared me so much as thinking that I'd lost you. If that actually happened .... as I've said, there would be no life for me, Doctor. I wouldn't end it, because I've promised you that won't happen, not by my own hand. But I'd only be existing, not living.

Losing you isn't an option. Not for any reason. I came close to it once, and that was through my own stubbornness and refusal to meet you halfway with what you wanted and needed. I'm not going to make that same mistake again.

Nothing like that time will ever happen again, Doctor. I can promise you that. I'll never drive you away; any time we need to talk about something, we'll be able to sit down and do it, and work things out between us. I can't go through that kind of fear again.

And I won't let you go through it again, either. I know it had to be so much worse for you than it was for me; I can only begin to imagine what you suffered. And I'll always blame myself for that, because I was the one who drove you to go to him.

But that's in the past; it's best if I try to push that memory away, bury it in the mists of my mind and not let it come out. I hope that eventually, it'll be buried so deeply that it won't ever make its way to the surface again, though of course I can't be sure that it won't do that.

Since we've been reunited, we've been stronger than ever -- and a small part of me believes that it's because of what we both went through during that time that our bond has become so much deeper. Though I don't want us to be tested in that way ever again.

Whatever might happen to come our way in the future, I'm prepared to face it. As long as I have you by my side, I know that we can't go wrong. You and I reunited, together for all eternity -- we're a team that can't be beaten. And one that will never be parted.

Yours always,

Ianto

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