Title: Proceed With Caution
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ianto Jones
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 70, Excited
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Ianto Jones, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

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My dearest Ianto,

I know that you've been more than a little confused by the attitude I've taken lately towards all the changes that have happened for us so recently. I want to try to explain to you why I feel as I do, and I hope that you'll be able to understand my caution.

It's not that I don't love the direction our lives have taken, love. I want you to understand that right from the start. I couldn't be happier that I never have to worry about losing you now -- or that my body won't change and leave you with someone that you might not be able to love.

My caution about the situation we've found ourselves in is simply this -- that I don't know exactly how or why it came about, and I'm frightened of looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. I don't want to think that this won't last, but I'm terrified that it won't.

I really don't have any reason to think that this will end, but I can't help worrying. I haven't had any kind of experience with this sort of thing, other than what happened to Jack -- and I'd thought that was just a fluke that could never happen twice.

Of course, this didn't happen in the same way at all, so I should have no fear of it suddenly ending. But it all feels like a dream, as though it couldn't possibly have happened. I feel almost as if I'm going to wake up at any moment with my life in tiny shards all around me.

I know that isn't the way it's going to happen, but I live every day in fear that all of this could be a delusion, and that you could still be taken away from me. If that happened, I don't think I would be able to go on. I know that sounds extreme, but it's the truth.

Do you realise just how much you mean to me, Ianto? I know that you love me, and I know that you've always understood in your heart just what kind of a bond you and I have. You're not the kind of person to turn away from that intensity; instead, you've embraced it heart and soul.

Without you, I would be an empty vessel with no reason for existence. Yes, you coudl say that I have so much to offer the world, and that the universe would be prey to all kinds of dangers without me there to protect it. You might even be right in saying so.

But to be effective as a Time Lord requires me to care about the universe and what happens to it. And to be brutally honest, if I had lost you when all of this happened, I don't think that I'd be able to bring myself to care about much of anything.

Yes, that sounds terribly weak and emotional, doesn't it? I don't say those words lightly, and I don't pretend that I can throw them out there without realising just how you -- and anyone else who might hear them -- would view me as being someone who could simply give up, as being weak.

Loving you isn't a weakness, Ianto. Loving you makes me stronger than I've ever been. But it also gives my enemies a way to strike at me -- and admittedly, before this miracle happened in our lives, there was a much greater chance of me losing you than there is now.

I don't want to talk about the possibility of us ever losing each other, especially when it seems as though that's a worry we'll never have to face again. But I still can't help feeling that this could be taken from us, just as freely as it was given, and that we should proceed with caution.

Still, at the same time, I'm excited about all of the possibilities that this opens up for us. To think of having a life where I no longer have to face the devastation of having the person I love most in the world taken away from me -- that's the greatest gift I could ever receive.

When I think about what could be in store for us, my hearts skip a few beats in my chest, and I can't help but smile and feel an excitement that I've never felt before. There's so much of life ahead of us -- and we'll be taking the steps forward into it together.

Despite what it seems, I am excited about our future, Ianto. I don't want you to think that I'm not, or to think that I believe this good fortune that's fallen on us won't last. But I can't bring myself to be wholeheartedly excited about something that I don't know the origins of.

I really should try to throw those misgivings aside, shouldn't I? I know that you're excited about all that's happened, and I want to share that enthusiasm. But we do have to remember what started all of this -- and keep in mind that the Master could be behind our good fortune.

Maybe I shouldn't think that way, love. But there's a part of me that can't help questioning why all of this happened, and at the particular time that it did. I can't help thinking that he had something to do with this -- but there is a good side to my skepticism.

I honestly do believe that the Master wanted to destroy you -- and to make me regenerate. He wanted to make the feel that I had nothing to live for, to make me more vulnerable to him. And if things hadn't gone the way they did, he would have succeeded in that plan.

I consider us fortunate to have come through this in the shape that we're in. I don't think that the Master planned on this at all; I think that his plans crashed to the ground, and the two of us have risen like a pair of phoenixes from the ashes, into a new life that's embracing us with open arms.

You're so excited about all of this, about this new life that's opening up to us. And so am I, sweetheart -- even if I am more cautious about it than you are. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us, and how we'll face it together.

Because I do know that we'll be facing our future together, Ianto. I'll never leave your side -- and thanks to the amazing gift we've been given, I'll never have to. And that's something I can definitely get excited about, even if I don't always show it.

Eternally your

Doctor

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