Title: Something Changed
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 54, Aroused
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.***
Dear Jack,
It feels odd to sit here writing this letter instead of saying these words to your face, but I always get tongue-tied when I try to talk about anything like this. Unless we're in bed, of course -- that's the one place where words always seem to come easily to me.
Somehow, it's always so easy to talk to you after we've made love and we're enjoying the afterglow of being so close. At any other time, my tongue trips over itself, anything I wanted to say flies right out of my mind, and I'm left standing there stumbling over my words.
So I've decided to try to put my feelings into written words, rather than express them in speech. Maybe that way, I'll be able to get those words across, and you'll know just how strongly I feel about you and everything that we share.
I don't need to say that I love you. You know that. You've always known it, even when we first met and I was in another body. That love started out as friendship, but once we met again and I was in this body, it evolved into passion very quickly.
Nothing could have surprised me more. I'd thought that I would never be anything more than a brief fling to you, maybe a night or two of casual sex and that would be all. I never imagined that I could fall so deeply in love with you -- or that you could love me.
It came as a shock to me that I loved you, too. I'd never allowed my emotions that kind of free rein before -- yes, I'd been in love, but never to the extent that I was with you. Even though I never said the words, I knew that you were the man I was destined to be with.
And then when our relationship broke down and you decided that you had to walk away, I packed those emotions away again and refused to let myself feel that way about anyone again. I couldn't put myself through that kind of pain with another lover.
Even if I hadn't turned away from those sorts of feelings, it would have been impossible for me to feel that kind of pain with anyone else. I could never have loved another person in the way I loved you, Jack. Those feelings can only belong to one person -- and for me, that person is you.
Does that surprise you? It shouldn't. I know that you probably thought I was traveling through the stars and finding other lovers when we were apart, just as you were undoubtedly doing that on Earth. But I wasn't I was always faithful to you, in every way.
Yes, even when we weren't together, in my mind and in my hearts, I still belonged to you. I couldn't bring myself to be with anyone else -- other than the Master, and you know that was under duress. I was forced; I didn't go to his bed willingly.
He did the best he could to convince me that I belonged to him, that he somehow had some claim of ownership over my body and that he could bend me to his will. But he knew that he couldn't set me on fire the way you always have; his touch didn't even arouse me.
Oh, physically, he did all the right things. My body responded to him the same way it would to physical stimulation from anyone, but it meant nothing to me. He meant nothing to me, and he knew it. Perhaps that's why his hatred for me is still so virulent.
No one will ever have the same hold over me that you do, Jack. No one will ever arouse me in the way that you do. All it takes is one look -- not even a physical touch. Even just thinking of you can set my body on fire in a way that no one else could ever achieve.
I don't think you really understand just what you do to me. Have you ever felt that way about anyone? I can't see you ever having that depth of emotion for any single person. It's the physical closeness that you enjoy -- not the emotional connection.
To be very honest, I didn't think that you had an emotional connection to me when we were first together. I knew that you were fond of me, of course -- that was always obvious. But I never believed for a moment that you were in love with me, and seeing you walk away from me was proof of that.
Yes, I know now that I was wrong and that you did love me. You walked away because you were afraid of that closeness, afraid to let yourself love and lose yet again. I can understand that. I've been there, Jack. I know exactly how that pain tears you apart.
I also know the ecstasy that I've felt in your arms -- and that was one of the hardest things for me to give up when you left. That feeling of being completely immersed in someone, of taking them into my very soul. A feeling that I'd never experienced with anyone else.
I could never feel that way about anyone but you. I'd made up my mind that I wasn't going to look for love in my life again, that it was my destiny to be alone and to only have fleeting friendships that never truly touched my soul. I'd accepted that it was my fate to live apart.
And then .... you came walking back into my life as if nothing had changed. At first, I couldn't believe it, and I was sure that the passion we'd had before would have burnt out, that you wouldn't still be able to arouse me to a fever pitch.
I was wrong about that. You can still make me burn with just a look, a smile, a touch. Does that make you feel powerful, Jack? It should. You're the one man in the universe who can command me in the way. No one else will ever come close.
Something had changed, Jack. The way you looked at our relationship changed. When you came back to me, I no longer felt that I was only the person who happened to be most convenient to be in your bed. I felt as though I meant something to you.
Before, I'd felt as though the only claim I had on you was our friendship -- not our physical relationship. I didn't believe that the passion you felt for me was anything but temporary, even though I desperately wanted to believe that you could be just as enthralled by me as I was by you.
It shocked me to find out that I'd always had that hold over you, even after our long separation. I never expected you to feel the same way about me. I thought that I was relegated to the back of your mind, only a friend, a pleasant memory and nothing more.
But I was wrong about that, too. I've been wrong about so many things when it comes to us, Jack. I hope that I'm getting better at being open about my feelings with you. As long as we can do that, then there will be no more misunderstandings between us.
You have a hold over me that no one else will ever have. Not just over my body, Jack. You hold my hearts in your hands. Be careful not to drop them, love, or let them break. You know how fragile they are. And I promise that I'll be just as careful with yours.
Eternally your
Doctor***
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