Title: Attack of the Killer Chipmunks
By: minimumstitch
Pairing: very mild Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Torchwood is not owned by me but is owned by the BBC and RTD and I am just enjoying playing with their characters.
Summary: Does exactly as it says in the title. Idea taken from a headline in today's copy of the Metro.

***

Ianto looked at Owen with a smirk on his face. "Lyme disease, Owen? Really? Couldn't you have thought of something a bit more suitable?"

"What's wrong with Lyme disease, it's a perfectly valid reason to stay away from a hoard of rampaging chipmunks."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Most people wouldn't even know what Lyme disease was, never mind be scared of it. Next time, I make up the cover story for the press."

Owen scowled. "Oh yeah, and what would you choose? Hmm? Probably something boring like rabies. Something that's clichéd and old."

Ianto looked affronted. "There's nothing wrong with rabies. Flesh-eating killer chipmunks can be explained by rabies far more easily than Lyme disease. Besides they are clichés for a reason, because they work."

"God you are an unimaginative, sanctimonious git."

"Yeah, well, at least I have more than two brain cells to rub together and can read something other than picture books!"

Tosh looked at the two men, ready to call for backup if it became necessary to separate them. She was saved the effort by Jack making his way down the stairs.

"Break it up you two. Otherwise I'll send you both to your rooms without any supper! Don't make me tell you again! Owen, believe me, Ianto is anything but unimaginative, if you don't believe me just borrow one of Tosh's DVDs. And Ianto, don't mock picture books, some of the best books have some very interesting pictures, as you well know."

Ianto and Owen glared at each other, muttered under their breaths and made their way to the SUV, followed by Jack.

"Right children; let's go round up some chipmunks. Ianto have you got the holding cells ready?" Jack held up his hands as the young man glared at him. "Right, of course you have."

As they got into the SUV, Jack grinned. "Bagsy I get to name them!"

"Certainly, Sir. I know you wouldn't be unimaginative enough to call rabid chipmunks Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Chip or Munk."

"Of course not!" Jack protested, before mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like "spoilsport" under his breath.

Jack scowled at the sniggers coming from the rest of his team and spent the rest of the journey sulking. As they got to the clearing where the chipmunks had last been spotted, Jack pulled on a pair of leather gauntlets. "All right, let's find these rodents and get back."

Ianto moved closer to the Captain until his mouth was right beside his ear. "I think we may have a problem."

Jack turned and looked at the spot Ianto's gaze was drawn to. "Shit! Tosh! Owen! Stick close to me."

Owen sneered. "You expect me to be scared of a bloody rodent, don't be daft, how much harm can they do?"

With a trembling hand, Jack pointed towards the trees. Owen peered into the shadows and then drew in a sharp breath. "Oh shit! You never told me the little buggers were armed!"

***