Title: Closer To Your Hearts
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 30, Love Letters
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.***
Dear Doctor,
This is only one more of many love notes that I've left you, isn't it? But you've been giving me letters lately, and they've made me smile as I've read each one. I thought it was time that I left you one, and hope that it has the same effect on you.
Those first few love notes that I left you on the Tardis were just fumbling in the dark -- I had no idea how you'd react to them. I half-expected you to read them, laugh, and toss them aside without giving them a second thought.
I should have known that you wouldn't do that. Of all the people I've ever known, you have the most gentle, loving soul of any of them. I somehow knew that you'd take those notes to heart.
I'd have written more, if I had the courage to. I wanted so badly to step out of the shadows, to let you know just who was sending those love letters and how I felt about you. But at the time, I didn't think you'd feel the same.
I even had my doubts after the night you discovered me leaving the rose and the letter. I thought you'd be angry -- more that I'd managed to get into the Tardis, your ship, your sanctuary, rather than because I was leaving you love letters.
But you weren't angry -- in fact, you seemed more intrigued than anything else, and completely shocked that it was me who was leaving those letters. I couldn't help but wonder if you'd even noticed me, at that point.
You thought I was still bound to Jack in some way, I know. He'd probably told you already that it was over between us, but I know how you have a hard time giving your hearts to anyone. It must have been frightening to think of taking that leap.
I'll never be able to put into words how glad I am that you did. You've changed my life in so many ways, beloved, all for the better.
From the moment I first saw you, I was attracted to you. I knew that I wanted to be with you -- and more, I knew that there was some force that drew me towards you, like you were a lodestar that I couldn't keep myself from heading towards even if I'd wanted to.
How do you explain that kind of desire? It's more than just desire; that's only the word I use because I can't think of anything else that adequately describes how I felt. And how I still feel -- and always will. It's more than just desire, it's .... I don't know.
That's terrible of me, not to be able to put such a primal emotion into words. I wish that I was more eloquent. I think I was when I wrote those letters; it felt as if the words were pouring out of me. I had such a burning desire to tell you just what I was feeling.
But even then, I didn't tell you everything, did I? Of course not. I couldn't tell you that it was me, or even give you a clue as to my identity. I could probably have done that, but at the time, I had my doubts as to whether or not you'd even want me.
I spent so many nights tossing and turning in bed, agonizing over whether or not I should keep on leaving those letters. I didn't want you to think that I was coming on too strong if you happened to find out it was me leaving them, but I couldn't stop myself. I had to keep doing it.
That was the only way I had of letting you know how I felt at the time. I didn't have the courage to just tell you; I felt that I had too much to lose.
I'd convinced myself that if you knew those letters came from me, I'd lose any chance I might have of getting closer to you, of being with you. I'd made myself believe that as much as I wanted us to be together, you couldn't possibly be interested and that we never would be.
I should have known better, shouldn't I? I should have felt the same feelings reaching out from you towards me as the ones I had inside myself. But I was too scared to let myself see that it was all having an effect on you, that I was getting closer to your hearts.
We spent so much time dancing around each other then, time that we could have spent together, loving each other. That's something of a regret for me. I wish that I'd have been strong enough to tell you how I felt right from the start.
It's useless to feel regrets for the past, though. Those letters brought us together in a way that I don't think anything else would have -- and I can't regret sending them to you. I know that you still have them, too -- and that you still read them.
Yes, I've seen you sitting at your desk with that small stack of love notes in your hand, going through them and reading each one, that small smile on your face. I've seen the loving way you handle the paper, the expression in your eyes as you scan the lines.
It's the same look that I see on your face when you look into my eyes and say that you love me. The same look that I see when we're making love, and our gazes lock. It's the look that tells me everything I need to know without words.
I'll be grateful for the rest of my life that I wrote you those letters, Doctor. And I'll continue to write you more of them -- and to always let you know how I feel about you, both in written words and in everything I say and do.
Your loving
Ianto***
- Main Torchwood slash page
- New stories page
- Jack/Ianto stories
- Ianto/Owen stories
- Other pairings stories - ie threesomes
- F/F stories
- Gen stories
- Amazon.com - Torchwood: Children of Earth
- Amazon.co.uk - Torchwood - Children of Earth [DVD] [2009]
- Amazon.ca link - Torchwood - The Complete First Season (7DVD)