Previous part of Damaged.
***
8
But I don't know how I got here
Lost in the cynical dusk
"Hi Ho a weevil hunting we will go" joked Owen, as he, Jack and Gwen crept through the darkened back streets.
"You need to be sedated !" said Gwen.
"Did you ever stop to think we've done this way too many times?"
"Yeah, probably.... I think I smell it," said Gwen wrinkling her nose. "Where the hell did Jack go?" She glanced around. "Damn it ! He was right behind me!"
They heard snarls, and sprinted back around the corner. Jack was cornered by a Weevil, one of his hands was clutched around its neck while he tried to muscle it away from his throat. Owen sprayed it with the anti-Weevil concoction, which mostly seemed to piss it off. It took a swat at Jack and he threw up his arm in defense. Gwen tasered it and it fell to the ground twitching. Owen started binding its wrists and ankles. Gwen glanced back at Jack. He was standing absolutely still, injured arm held out in front of him. Blood was dripping steadily from the huge gash, pooling on the ground. He wasn't doing anything, just staring.
"Oh hell!" snapped Gwen. She grabbed him, jamming his coat sleeve up, trying to put pressure on the gaping wound. "Owen! Help me!"
Only halfway through his job, Owen leaped to his feet. He ripped off his jacket and wrapped it tightly around Jack's arm. His face was going pale, but still he stared, motionless. Gwen and Owen started to guide him back toward the SUV. There was a scrambling sound. They caught sight of the Weevil running away.
"Guess that one got a reprieve..." muttered Owen. Jack stumbled along between them in silence. Back at the SUV, Ianto's eyes widened in horror at the blood staining Jack's clothes. Owen forced Jack to sit on the open tailgate and bandaged his arm tightly enough to control the bleeding.
"We need to have a quick reccy and see if the Weevil's still around," said Gwen.
"I'll stay with Jack. Go," said Ianto. Owen squinted at him and nodded. He and Gwen headed off to check where they had last seen the Weevil heading.
Ianto wrapped an arm around Jack, pulling his face to his shoulder.
"Do you know how long it takes to bleed to death from a slit wrist, I do," whispered Jack. His voice was utterly devoid of emotion. Ianto thought he would be sick, at the thought of watching Jack slowly bleed to death on purpose.
***
9
Set adrift in the worry
That I've no one to trust
Back at the Hub, Owen put 17 sutures in Jack's arm. It was vaguely un-nerving to see how little attention Jack seemed to pay to what was being done to his arm. Owen and Ianto exchanged a glance of shared worry.
"Done ? asked Jack, the first thing word he had said since they got back.
"Um, yeah. You still look a little shocky. Maybe you should lay down for a while," Owen suggested.
"I'm fine. I think we should try to get a handle on why the Weevil spray is losing it's effectiveness." He slid off the table and started toward the steps.
"Jack, I think maybe you should change your clothes," said Ianto. Jack glanced down. There were massive blood stains on both his shirt and pants.
"Oh." He sort of shrugged and headed up the steps. Owen looked at Ianto.
"It really bothers me that he didn't seem to notice he's half covered in blood," said Owen, eyes wide.
"I'll.... go check on him," said Ianto.
Ianto walked into Jack's quarters. Jack was in the corner of the room, pulled as far back into the corner as he could physically get. He had obviously started to undress. Arms and legs drawn in, an expression of terror on his face, shaking. His blood stained shirt was tightly clutched in one hand. Ianto knelt in front of him. He laid a hand on Jack's arm. Jack flinched, hard.
"Jack, please look at me," said Ianto gently.
"Not enough blood...." Jack whispered.
"I don't understand. Do you need a transfusion? You lost a fair bit."
"Not enough ... He's going to cut me again..... until..... it's all on the floor....Have to die.... Now..."
"I won't let you die." Ianto stroked a hand through Jack's hair.
"Die in blood..... Wake up in blood..." Jack chanted incoherently. "Mine, all of it's mine...."
"Come on. Let's get you cleaned up," murmured Ianto, hauling him to his feet. He stripped Jack out of his bloody clothes and half dragged him into the shower. He stripped out of his own clothes and got in with him. The water ran brown-red for several minutes. Ianto grabbed a bottle of soap and began to wash him. Jack stood nearly motionless, still shaking. Under the heated spray of the water, he finally roused a little, reaching a hand to touch Ianto's lips.
"Are you real ?" Jack murmured.
"Yes. I'm real. I'm here with you and you're safe." Ianto turned off the water and helped Jack dry off. He turned to hang up the towels. When he turned back, Jack was still standing there, looking ... lost.
"When I'd ... come back... I'd.... he'd... I always wanted to get the blood off me. He wouldn't let me." Jack's hand traced along Ianto's shoulder, down his ribs, past his hip. So obviously trying to prove to himself that this was reality. His eyes followed his fingers like he expected Ianto to vanish beneath his touch.
Ianto cupped his hands around Jack's face, his thumb brushing across his cheek. And Jack gave a slow intake of breath, obviously reveling in the gentle gesture.
"Come to bed. Even if you're not planning on sleeping, you could use some rest," whispered Ianto. Jack studied his face and nodded.
"Kiss me," Jack whispered. Ianto gave him an uncertain look. "I need to know I'm... that you're...here... That I'm... please..."
Ianto leaned forward across the few cm that separated them and kissed him softly. He let Jack's hands gently pull their naked bodies together. They stood for quite a while, lips and tongues exploring. As they parted, Ianto could feel Jack's body trembling against his own.
"I want but...Yan... I can't...." he whispered.
"Just sleep. You and me and a bed. Just sleep," Ianto said.
In the darkness, Ianto decided he had breached another barrier. One more step in the healing process. Jack was curled against him. His breathing wasn't regular enough to indicate sleep, but his arm was a warm heavy weight around Ianto's body, one knee thrust between his, a snuggle.***
10
If to suffer is holy
I'll take my share of the pain
The whole team spent a substantial portion of one night trying to track the energy signature, after it had flickered to life for the 10 seconds that it seemed to last. They split up into 2 groups to hunt for clues. Tramping through the rainy Welsh night, Tosh was noting each CCTV they passed with the hopes of accessing their images later. Ianto walked along beside her. He passed an alleyway. Something about the way the dim light and shadows slanted through the passage caught his attention.
"Tosh, I'll be back in a minute," he said. She nodded from where she was standing, typing the location of a CCTV camera into her PDA. He walked down the narrow alley. It jagged left. As he rounded the corner, he saw a man.
"Excuse me..." he said. The man lifted his hand, holding a cell phone and that was the last thing Ianto saw.
Tosh turned to continue down the street. Ianto hadn't come back. She walked into the mouth of the alley and looked. Rubbish bins, a couple of cardboard boxes, no sign of Ianto.
"Ianto?" she called. No response. She stuffed her PDA in her pocket and touched the gun in her pocket. She eased into the alley and followed it. It turned ahead, to the left. She slowed and peeked around the edge. Ianto lay sprawled on the wet pavement. Her com link was shouting in her ear.
"Tosh, Ianto where are you?! We just got a spike. I think it's near you!" said Jack's voice.
"I.....Alleyway off to the right just passed 9th. Ianto's .... hurt," replied Tosh as she knelt down beside him. He looked like he had fallen straight backwards. She touched her finger to his throat. His pulse was fast but strong. He let out a groan and raised his hands to his hands.
"Ianto ?" she said. He grunted a long string of Welsh obscenities and struggled to sit up. Tosh put an arm behind his shoulders to help him.
"What happened? Are you ok?"
"My head hurts like hell.... I saw.... I saw... a man with a cell phone...That can't be right..." He scrunched his eyes shut and rubbed them with the heels of his hands. Running footsteps.
"Tosh! Tosh ?! Where are you ?" called Owen's voice.
"Around the corner. Turn left," she said. A moment later Owen appeared followed by Jack and Gwen. Owen dropped down beside Ianto.
"You lose consciousness?" he asked.
"Yes..." said Ianto slowly. Owen tipped Ianto's face up with a finger and used a penlight to examine his eyes.
"How long?"
"No idea," said Ianto, squinting at the light.
"Maybe a minute or so," said Tosh. Owen's hands ran lightly through Ianto's hair. Ianto winced away in pain.
"You've got a right big knot on the side of your skull. But I don't think you've got a concussion tho'. Dizzy?
"Not really. Just a bad headache."
"I think you'll live." Jack and Owen helped him to his feet.
"I saw...a man with a cell phone," Ianto repeated. "Except now I don't think it was cell phone. I think it was what we're looking for."
"Description?" said Gwen.
"What little light there is, was behind him. He's shorter than me. Stockier. Beyond that all I saw was a silhouette."
"Let's spread out and look for him," said Gwen. Then she glanced at Jack, who was just standing there in silence, one hand on Ianto's arm. He looked.... blank. She touched a hand to his face. He jerked like he had been smacked.
"Jack ? Take Ianto back to the SUV," she ordered, stepping into a role she had assumed while he was gone. "Keep the com-link open. Ok?"
He nodded. Tosh, Owen and Gwen hurried further down the alley to search. Jack and Ianto were left alone.
"I ...When Tosh...Are you sure you're ok?" stammered Jack. Both hands lay on Ianto's shoulders.
"I have a headache. Otherwise I'm fine," Ianto reassured him. Jack suddenly pulled him into a crushing embrace, and a searing open mouth kiss. One hand fisted in Ianto's hair, Jack finally pulled back far enough to breathe.
"I can't ... I don't ... Thank god you're ok," he finished.
The other 3 found nothing. All tired, wet from the rain, and unsuccessful, the joint consensus was that unless a crisis occurred, that no one was going to come in to work until noon. Gwen, Tosh and Owen headed for home.
Jack was pacing the conference room still fiddling with scanner parts. So far he hadn't come up with a way to track the device when it wasn't in use. Ianto leaned on the door frame.
"It's 1 am. I'm rather thinking of trying to get some sleep," he said. Jack glanced at him.
"Um, ok. Is the coffee pot still on?"
"No. I actually think Gwen drank the last cup so she wouldn't fall asleep on the way home." Ianto crossed the room and gently laid his hands on Jack's shoulders. "Any chance you'd like some sleep?"
Jack shook his head. "The whole thing with not being able to track the device is driving me crazy. I'm gonna mess with this thing some more."
***
11
I can swim through this sadness
If there's something to gain
Ianto had set the clock for 10. But his brain woke him at 6:30 per usual. He glanced at the clock, mentally cursed it and squirmed a little with the intention of trying to go back to sleep. Jack was beside him, apparently having crawled into bed with him sometime in the wee hours. Without really thinking, he pressed his face against Jack's neck, breathing in his scent, lips brushing on skin. And belatedly, he expected the flinch, that momentary tightening of muscles that screamed - afraid. It didn't happened. Instead there was a soft sigh. Jack's arm slid across him, drawing him close. Lips met his own. It was a gentle, almost tentative.
"I .... want you," Jack whispered, a barely audible sound. "The thought of losing you..." He was kissing Ianto again. Nibbling on his lips, tongue parting his teeth, a deep sensual gentle exploration. One hand cupped against his butt, the other mapping the contours of his arm, his chest, his back, like Jack was trying to memorize his body. "I want to be in you..."
It was slow and gentle. Jack's weight pressing him into the mattress. In the aftermath, Ianto's arms wrapped around his lover, he could feel the soft jerk of sobs against his shoulder. The wetness of tears.
"Talk to me cariad," he whispered.
"I .. forgot.... It could... be .... That it doesn't... have to... hurt...That ... ohgodpleasejustholdme" His sobs were harder. An emotional storm. Ianto held him, stroking his hand down his back, trying to comfort his lover.
"Ssshh, it's ok. I'm here. You're safe."
"He ...killed me... endless number... of times... It used t'... amuse him.. that there... nothing he... could do... that would ...that I... couldn't ...come back... from..." His words were broken by hiccupping gasps between sobs.
"Who? Who did this to you?"
"Sax... sax... saxon.... The Master.... He tortured... the Doctor too... just not... same ... way....He liked t-to ... make ... jokes....He'd run... his hands... over me and then... stab me... or shoot me... sometimes he'd...in my body, in my head.....forcing me..."
Ianto held him until he drifted into an uneasy sleep. Tortured like that, for a year. God, it was no wonder he was such a wreck. It was probably some kind of miracle Jack could function at all.
***
12
I can reach for the surface
And try to pull myself free
"Yes!" shouted Jack across the room to Tosh. "It's picking it up!" He waved the scanner clutched in his hand. There were still bits dangling out of the bottom half where he had done a seriously strange rewiring job. He had finally managed to find a way to detect signal they had been picking up from the memory blanking device, at inactive power levels.
"But, you're 3 maybe 4 meters away from me. We need to figure out the functional range," she said.
"True. Let's go up to the Plas. You take the scanner and I'll take the sim of the device. Then I'll walk away from you until the signal fades."
They spent an hour up in the Plas area, while he walked out at various intervals from her.
"Ok, signal's dropping off dramatically," said Tosh into her com link. "How many buildings are between us?"
"At least 2."
"Best guess on distance?"
"Maybe 40 meters."
"Ok, How 'bout we say 30- 40 meter range with buildings and maybe 100m without?"
"Sounds fair."
"Circle around and meet me back at the tourist office."
Back in the Hub, Jack ordered everyone to the conference room. He briefed them on his and Tosh's success with the scanner and informed them that they were going on a hunt for the memory blanking device and it's "owner."
Tosh, Ianto and Jack took the SUV to general area of where Ianto had had his encounter. Owen and Gwen were running down a lead from a very poor quality CCTV image and would join them shortly to lend a hand. Jack drove while Tosh and Ianto tinkered with the scanner's frequencies, trying to fine tune it.
"Jack Stop !" shouted Tosh. "I've got something." Jack slammed on the brakes, wrenching them all forward.
"Which way?" Jack demanded.
"Try... left," replied Tosh.
"You're going to have to go back a block to get through," suggested Ianto.
"Yeah, yeah, got it," Jack threw the SUV into reverse and made a jerky turn in the middle of the street.
They tracked the signal to a multistory car park. They fanned out through the levels, hunting.
Jack spied movement on the 3rd level. He edge in the direction of the shadow, gun drawn.
"Come out with your hands up," he called out. There was a slight motion. And he felt the stasis field wave hit him. It wasn't terribly strong, designed to immobilize a man for a limited number of seconds, blanking memory in the process. Jack had experienced such things before and this one was comparatively weak. He fought against the paralysis. The man before him was small and slightly built, wearing jeans and a jacket. The device was tightly clutched in his hand. The man edged closer and Jack managed to squeeze the trigger. But it wasn't even aimed at the man and the bullet pinged off a concrete pillar. The man bolted. He leaped into a car, that was parked nose in against a wall and slammed it into gear, backing out with a squeal of tires. Jack was still fighting the effects of the field. He staggered forward, heading toward the car as the man jammed the car into forward gear and evidently stomped on the gas. The car lurched forward aiming toward the ramp that led down.
Ianto came sprinting up the curve of the ramp, drawn by the sound of the shot. Jack had finally torn himself free of the stasis effect and saw where Ianto was in relation to the speeding car. He was right smack in the way. Jack madly scrambled over a parked car and threw himself at Ianto, knocking him several meters forward and out of the way. Ianto heard the sound of the impact behind him as he scrambled to his feet, firing a shot at the car. The car slammed into the retaining wall and came to rest.
Ianto heard sounds of shouting as he darted toward where Jack lay on the floor of the car park. As he drew close, he could see tread marks crossing Jack's body. The car had not only struck him, it had run over him. Ianto fell to his knees beside Jack. He was still mostly conscious, blood seeping from the corner of his mouth as he tried to breath. Ianto's hand touched his hip. It was distorted by broken bones as was part of his chest.
"You ok?" Jack whispered.
"Me? Oh hell Jack.... You... I'll get Owen..." Tears were streaming down Ianto's cheeks.
"Won't help..."
"Please Jack.... Don't... You can't...."
"'S'long as you're ok...I'll ... be back... later..." He exhaled in obvious pain. But did not inhale again. Half closed eyes, staring sightlessly. Gwen, Tosh and Owen came running up the ramp. Owen saw Ianto cradling Jack's body in his arms and headed toward them.
"Is he....?" Owen asked gently. Ianto nodded, still in tears. Gwen and Tosh were checking out the driver. "What about him?" shouted Owen.
"Dead, head through the windscreen," answered Gwen. "I have the device."
"'kay. I vote we play this as straight forward as possible. Him, car accident, victim of ... bad driving... Gwen, go get the SUV. We need to get Jack out of here."
"Got it."
They loaded Jack's limp body in the back of the SUV. Ianto sat beside him, holding his hand.
"How long do you think?" Owen asked as he glanced at Ianto. "I mean, we've seen 20 minutes and we've seen 3 days."
"I have no idea.***
13
But the last thing I want is
To drag you down her with me
This time it wasn't Gwen who stood vigil, it was Ianto. He wiped the blood from Jack's mouth, stripped off his shoes and with Owen's help tucked him into his own bed. He wanted Jack to wake somewhere familiar, comforting. And Ianto sat beside him whispering the only prayer that came to mind.
"Ein Tad, yr hwn wyt yn y nefoedd, sancteiddier dy Enw...."
Maybe it wasn't the best choice for a man who seemingly defied the laws of the universe, but was it was the only thing he could think of. An hour ticked by.
Suddenly there was a half-strangled gasp from the man on the bed. Jack's eyes flew open and he thrashed in pain as his body reversed the damage done. Ianto caught Jack's hand and held it tightly until Jack began to go limp again. He stroked his hand along his lover's face. Jack gave him a bleary unfocused look and leaned into the caress against his cheek.
"You're ok," Jack whispered.
"I'm fine. Couldn't you have just screamed — look out or something?"
"You were right in the way... He was heading straight for you. .... I'm expendable, you're not."
"Damn it Jack! You are not expendable! I had to watch you die!"
"Yeah well.... I come back. You wouldn't. ....Ianto.... I don't mind dying if it keeps you safe. All those times last year when he.... It was for his amusement...No higher purpose.... And don't accuse me of being noble. I'm selfish. Absolutely selfish. I need you in my life. There are too many days when you're the only thing holding me together."
Ianto sighed and stretched out on the bed with his arms around Jack, feeling him breathe, feeling his pulse beat softly. Safe. Alive.
***
Epilogue
Paths to healing are seldom straight or uncomplicated and sometimes memories ambush you when you least expect it.
The team was screwing around at lunch time. Gwen was trying to get Owen to taste the pudding she had bought. He finally consented and declared it not too bad. Gwen turned her attempt to Jack.
"Come on, open up, you'll like it," she teased, waving the spoon it front of his mouth. In a heart beat he was out of the chair, and out the door of the conference room. Ianto saw the look of blind panic on his face as he sprinted by. Gwen came to the doorway, looking confused.
"What the bloody hell was that all about?" she asked. Owen stood behind her and shared a look with Ianto.
"I thought it was getting better," Owen said slowly.
"It is. Sort of. I'll go after him."
Ianto grabbed a coat and headed out the door. Outside, it was pouring rain. Ianto glanced around, uncertain where he might have gone. He walked along the waterfront, looking for a familiar figure. He eventually saw him, hips leaned against the railing, arms crossed, head bowed in the pouring rain.
"It's raining," said Ianto.
"Yeah I noticed."
"You're soaked to the skin."
"Noticed that too."
"If you were anyone else, I'd say you'd be apt to catch pneumonia."
"Been there, done that."
"Really?"
"Really.... Just because I don't stay dead, doesn't seem to affect the getting sick part."
"Think I could convince you to come back inside ?"
"No."
"How 'bout my place?"
"I ... suppose..." They walked to his flat. Along the way, Ianto dialed Owen, to tell him they wouldn't be back for a while.
In the flat, Jack stood dripping in the kitchen. Ianto hand him a towel and a long terrycloth bathrobe.
"Strip, so I can throw your clothes in the dryer," he said. Jack gave him a sort of dubious look.
"I know we're almost the same height...but..."
"It's way too big for me. My sister bought it. Ought to fit you just fine." Jack slowly shed his clothes into a sodden heap on the tile floor and put on the bathrobe. Ianto had put the kettle on and tossed his tie on the table. He wrung some of the water out the clothes and tossed them in the dryer under the counter.
Jack had drifted into the den and stood staring out the window into the rainy world outside. Ianto leaned on the wall, facing him. He touched his fingers to Jack's face, forcing him to look at him.
"Why?"
"Tish used to feed me. I spent an awful lot of time chained to the walls in the engine room. I couldn't use my hands. I couldn't sit down. That whole lack of choice, lack of control thing. Tish was sweet. Tried to help me when she could."
"Gwen doesn't know. How could she? In another lifetime, it would have been funny."
"I feel like Lady MacBeth. I can't away from it. Every time I think I start to feel normal... well as normal as life gets for me... It smacks me in the face again. Guess I'll get over it in a couple of centuries...."
"One day at a time, or so the phrase goes.... Your hair is still all wet." He draped the towel over Jack's head and rubbed his hair more or less dry. Thick and straight, it stuck out in all directions. And Ianto had to smile a little. He ran his fingers along Jack's face. His skin was still damp and chilly.
"Fancy a cuppa?"
"Yeah sure."
They sat in the kitchen in silence. Jack's hands were wrapped around the mug. He stared blankly at the surface of the table. Ianto's hand closed softly over his wrist.
"Your clothes will be dry soon. You up to going back ?" Ianto asked.
"I'm not sure. ...What have you told them?"
"Not much. Just a tiny bit to Owen. Trying to get his professional opinion. For all his being an outright prick at times, he is a good doctor."
"I... I... I'd really rather stay away for the rest of the day. I'll.... apologize to Gwen tomorrow."
"You're the boss. You can do anything you like."
"Mmmm, one of the few perks. I... left my phone in my office." Ianto handed him his. Jack made a brief call to Owen. Presumably, he would ask the fewest questions.
Jack told him in as few words as possible that he and Ianto wouldn't be back until tomorrow. But, to call if something monumental came up. He thumbed off the phone and handed it back to Ianto.
They ended up in the den. Jack was curled on the sofa with his head in Ianto's lap, his knees jammed against the back of the sofa. Ianto's fingers were playing with his hair.
"You know, it kind of looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket," mused Ianto.
"I've done a few thousand volts... Right before the shit hit the fan....We thought he was ... harmless... Brilliant, but benign.... Not realizing that he was probably the most sadistic sonofabitch in the universe."
"The Master."
"Yes..." Jack's breath hitched and he struggled to let it out slowly. "There are probably better things you could be doing on a cold wet rainy afternoon, besides babysitting me."
"Such as?"
"Feeding the pterodactyl? Messing around in the archives?"
"Seems to me you and I have done quite a lot of messing around in the archives at certain times."
"That sounds remarkably like a suggestion." Ianto was surprised, such a comeback from Jack sounded an awful lot like he used to. He carefully slid his hand up under the lower edge of the robe. Jack's skin was finally warming after his thorough soaking. He traced along the muscular thigh, following the curve of his hip. His fingers trailed across the base of his spine and very lightly down the crevice between butt cheeks. Jack looked up at him, lips parted, pupils dilated. He pulled Ianto down into a heated snog that nearly toppled them both off the sofa.
"Your sofa's kind of narrow," Jack whispered.
"I do own a bed. In fact one that's quite a bit larger than yours."
"Oh really..."
They migrated to the bedroom. Ianto leaving a trail of clothing and the bathrobe joining the pile. Arms and legs in a comfortable tangle, Ianto parted Jack's teeth with his tongue, exploring the depths of his mouth, tasting the tea he had drunk, and the lush lips of his lover. A half formed thought flickered through his brain. Was he being too aggressive? It used not to matter. But now... the last thing he wanted was to scare Jack. To remind him in any way of the atrocities he had suffered. Too much, too soon, Ianto decided and started to slide off Jack, to ease him into a less sub position. Jack's arms locked around him.
"Top me," he whispered.
"Jack... I..."
"My want. My choice... I want you in me. I want it to be like it used to be....I know I'm a wreck, but I'm not breakable. I trust you."
Jack writhed beneath his partner, every thrust hitting that spot that brought him closer. His fingers dug into Ianto's back. Somewhere in the small coherent part of his brain left, he realized just how utterly and deeply he trusted his lover. His connection to sanity. How little he deserved the depths of care he had been shown. The intensity of the sensations drove him over the edge and he clung to Ianto as hard clenching waves of ecstasy washed through him.
"Rwy'n dy garu di," he whispered. Ianto kissed him softly then chuckled a little.
"Your pronunciation leaves a lot to be desired, cariad, but I love you too"
***
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