Title: Light in the Darkness
By: Okori Yo
Pairing: Tosh/Gwen
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood.
Spoiler Alert: There are spoilers for episodes 4-13, with major spoilers for the last two epiosdes (12-13).
Notes: This is a GwenxTosh pairing (a.k.a., it's a yuri or femslash fanfic).
Summary: Gwen's life is falling apart. Will Tosh be able to help her recover?

***

Dead. He was dead. Rhys was dead. He was never going to come back. And it was all Bilis' fault. Those five lines kept running over and over through Gwen's mind, like a broken record. She had come home from work to discover her boyfriend on the floor, covered in blood, and Bilis standing over him, carefully wiping Rhys' blood off of a small knife.

Once the old man had realized that she was standing there, mouth open in shock, he had given her a calm smile and said, "No need to be so upset. I was just fulfilling the destiny that you and I both saw." Anger had suddenly boiled up inside of her, and Gwen had lunged at the man, screaming "BILIS!" But the murderer had simply vanished into thin air, using his abilities to slip into another time period effortlessly.

Gwen ended up crashing into the couch after Bilis made his sudden departure. Sore and heartbroken, she had phoned the police, then sat and cried beside Rhys' body until they had came and taken him away. Now, a week later, she was back at the Hub, sniffling into an already soaked tissue. The woman was dressed in a black blouse and matching skirt, just having come back from burying the love of her life. She had stood and watched the grave being filled back in and the headstone installed, then remained at the graveyard for several hours.

Owen, Ianto and Tosh had all attending the funeral, with only Tosh coming with Gwen to be with her as Rhys' body was lowered into the ground. Owen had at first refused to even come to the funeral, but had eventually relented after much pleading. Still, he had not wanted to be there, and before he left the church, the medic had leaned over and muttered, "Now you know what it's like the loose the one you love. Fun, eh?"

The remark had shaken the woman to the core, and had confirmed that their relationship was officially over. They had ended it a while back, but Gwen had continued to feel something for the man, but that small flame was effectively stamped out at the church. Ianto had apologized several times for not coming to the graveyard, but she knew that he was still getting over loosing Lisa, and witnessing another burial was probably just too much for him. Still, she was glad that Toshiko had come with her, since the only other people there were Rhys' family; whom she hardly knew, and Andy, her former partner.

Andy had comforted her in the first days after Rhys and died, setting her up in a small apartment and stopping in several times a day to check up on her. Although Gwen hadn't shown it, she had deeply appreciated his visits, since it helped take her mind off of what had happened.

"Do you want some coffee?" The woman was torn from her thoughts by the sound of a voice. Blinking, Gwen glanced up and saw that Tosh was sitting at her workstation, watching her. She had been so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn't even heard the other woman come in. "Er…alright. I'd love some."

Tosh nodded, and went over to the coffeemaker. As she worked, she talked over her shoulder. "This probably won't be half as strong as the brew Ianto makes, but I doubt anyone here could actually figure how he manages to make it taste so good."

"I don't think Ianto even knows how he makes it…" Gwen replied, leaning back and tossing the tissue onto the table in front of her. The room was quiet, the silence broken only by the soft gurgling as the coffee was prepared. Brown eyes gazed at the ceiling as she waited, watching the light flicker off of the water streaming down from the fountain that was positioned above the Torchwood base.

Hearing Tosh approach, Gwen tilted her head down and smiled weakly at the other woman. Returning her smile, the computer expert handed her a steaming mug of coffee. Inhaling the rich aroma, Gwen took a small sip, the liquid warming her. But she doubted that anything could ever penetrate the cold spot in her heart which Rhys' love had once filled.

Settling down on the couch beside her, Tosh eyed her cautiously for a moment, then asked hesitantly, "I know that this is probably a silly question, but is there anything I can do to help?" Gwen was about to tell her that no, she was handling everything just fine, but something in the woman's tone made her stop and reconsider. The woman doubted that anyone could truly 'help' her now. Her life had been torn apart, and she had no idea what she was going to do now that Rhys was gone. Even if she somehow avenged his murder by killing Bilis, that act wouldn't heal the hole in her heart.

Taking a long drink of the coffee, Gwen finally nodded. "If you are serious about wanting to help me…just be there." she said slowly, herself not entirely sure what she meant. Did she want Tosh to be there as a friend…or was there something more? Dismissing the thoughts as pure foolishness due to her lack of sleep over the past week, Gwen turned and looked at the other woman.

"So, don't abandon you like Owen did?" Tosh asked, looking a bit uncertain.

"Yeah…" Gwen answered, frowning at the memory of how cold the man had been acting recently. Rolling her eyes, the Asian woman said, "Trust me, I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. Especially after all you two went through."

Surprised as how open Tosh was being about the subject of their brief relationship, Gwen chuckled and nodded. "Thanks, Tosh. You probably don't realize it, but it means a lot to me."

"Anytime." Glancing at her watch, Tosh sighed. "It's nearly ten. I better get home and get some rest. Are you taking off soon?" Draining her coffee, Gwen felt the momentary flash of happiness vanish. She had to go back to the apartment. Back to an empty bed. Back to another night of laying awake for hours, and then having nightmares when she did finally drift off to sleep.

"Guess I better…" she said, staring at the floor.

"Listen, how about you spend the night at my place?" Tosh suggested. Gwen looked up quickly, prompting the other woman to quickly add, "That is…if you feel up to it. I only have a couch-"

"I'll come." Tosh blinked in surprise, then smiled encouragingly. "Alright then. I don't live too far away, and I'm sure I can dig up something for you to wear." Nodding in return, Gwen stood up and grabbed her coat.

Three hours later, Gwen lay on Tosh's couch, staring up at the darkened ceiling. Now matter how much she tossed and turned, the woman just couldn't fall asleep. Sensing that she was in for yet another long night, Gwen had finally rolled onto her back and let her thoughts drift. She missed Rhys terribly, and the only thing she wanted right now was to have him hold her and whisper that everything was going to be alright. But even Torchwood couldn't bring people back from the dead. If the Glove hadn't been destroyed when Suzie was temporarily brought back, Gwen didn't think she would be brave enough to use it.

Compounding her pain was the fact that Jack had simply vanished into mid-air a few days before Rhys had been killed. The woman was sure that he would have comforted her during those first agonizing hours after her boyfriend's death, during which she had cried until her throat was raw.

Sniffling, Gwen sat up and wiped at her eyes, willing herself not to cry again. If she remained fixated on the past, she would be unable to enjoy anything else in life, and would just waste away until she died. She had to move on, but still mourn Rhys at the same time. Gwen knew that such a thing was possible, but it would take a long time. Ianto was proof enough of that. Now that she thought about it, almost every member of Torchwood Three had lost someone they loved; the exception being Jack.

"Can't sleep either, huh?" Turning her head, Gwen saw that Tosh was leaning against the door jab that connected the living room and her bedroom. Shaking her head, Gwen lowered her gaze to her lap and murmured, "I was just thinking that almost every one of us have lost someone we loved."

"Almost all? Jack lost Estelle, remember?" the woman replied, walked over and sitting down next to Gwen.

Drawing her knees up to her chest, Gwen thought for a moment, then nodded slowly. "True, and I got the feeling that there was someone from his past that he cared deeply about. He just never told us. Ianto lost Lisa, Owen lost Diane, you lost Mary, and I lost Rhys…twice."

Tosh was silent for a moment, then gave her knee a light squeeze. "That must have been hard on you…"

"It was." Gwen said simply, looking up while blinking back tears. Tosh nodded, moving her hand from Gwen's knee to her opposite shoulder, drawing her into a gentle hug. Overcome by emotion, she shifted and wrapped her arms around Tosh, burying her head in the woman's hair. For some reason, this position felt so natural, and Gwen allowed herself to relax for the first time in days. It just felt so right, like she had been searching forever for this moment, and she had finally found it in Tosh's embrace.

She suddenly stiffened, realizing where her thoughts had been heading. No! She wasn't going to get involved with another colleague! Doubly so since Rhys had died just a short week ago. No, it would be a betrayal to his memory if she fell in love so quickly. Sitting up, she swallowed quickly and averted her gaze, hoping that Tosh hadn't noticed anything.

But her hope quickly vanished when Tosh tipped her face back towards her own and gave the woman a penetrating stare. Gwen shifted uneasily, still trying to convince herself that such a thing wasn't right. She didn't want a relationship so soon, and she doubted Tosh did. At least, that is what Gwen kept repeating over and over in her head. Giving the Asian woman what was probably an unconvincing smile, Gwen said, "Something wrong?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Gwen." Tosh replied calmly, running a hand through her co-worker's hair. Clamping down on the feeling of elation that went through her at Tosh's touch, Gwen shook her head. "No, I'm fine."

"You're lying." the woman said softly, voice tinged with disappointment. "I know that we aren't that close, but I thought we knew each other well enough to be fairly open. I guess I was wrong…"

"No, your were right, Tosh. It's…it's….everything. Jack leaving, Rhys being murdered…" And you. Gwen mentally added, staring down at her lap. She hated keeping things from her team mates, but she wasn't able to admit that she might have feelings for Tosh to herself, much less to the woman sitting beside her.

An uneasy silence fell, each person lost in their own thoughts. Gwen shifted slightly, not knowing what to do next. "I know I asked this before, but I feel the need to ask it again. Is there anything else I can do for you?" Tosh asked.

Gwen sighed, having reached a decision about her predicament. Nodding slowly, the woman cleared her throat and said, "Yes, there is one thing…" Ignoring the mixture of nervousness and joy that was rapidly growing within her, she continued. "Could you close your eyes and hold still, please?"

Looking a bit confused at the question, Tosh nodded and closed her eyes. Sensing that her resolve was about to break, Gwen leaned in and also closed her eyes, raising a hand to brush Tosh's cheek. Taking a deep breath, she pressed her lips against the other woman's, holding the kiss for a few seconds before quickly pulling back. She had felt Tosh stiffen in surprise, and now dreaded what her response would be.

Turning away so as to not see the inevitable anger in Tosh's eyes, Gwen mentally cursed herself for being so stupid. Still…she couldn't help but remember the jolt of excitement that had gone through her when they had kissed. What had she done?

"Gwen." The woman winced, waiting for a sharp reprimand. Instead, she heard Tosh chuckle and felt her hand tap her lightly on the shoulder. "You think I'm upset with you, right?" Nodding, Gwen kept her gaze averted, still expecting some sort of angry response.

"I'm not. Very surprised, a bit shocked, but not upset." Gwen swung her head around is disbelief, certain that she had not heard correctly. Tosh just shrugged and gave a her a small smile. "Y-you're not…" the woman stammered, shocked at the response.

"Nope." the Asian woman answered, her smile growing wider at Gwen's expression.

"Can I apologize anyway?" she asked, returning Tosh's smile with one of her own. She had not expected this reaction from Tosh, and now she had no idea how to proceed.

"I don't see why you have to apologize. You did nothing wrong." Tosh replied, chuckling again.

"At least one of us sees it that way…" Gwen muttered, still feeling guilty for her sudden actions. Raising an eyebrow, the other woman grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. "It's alright, really." Tosh murmured, pulling Gwen into a tight hug. Gwen hesitated for a moment, then wiggled closer, enjoying the feeling of being so close to someone she had feelings for.

"Do you think it's love, or are you just trying to cope with Rhys' death?" Tosh asked kindly, and Gwen sensed that she was asking out of curiosity, and so shrugged. "I…I really don't know. I'm hoping it's the former, but it could very well be the latter. Does that bother you?"

"Not really. I mean, you're nothing like Mary, and I managed to fall in love with her. How about we just wait and see what happens?" Gwen nodded, happy that Tosh was so accepting.

"Do you figure you can go to sleep now?" Tosh asked, and Gwen sat back, blushing. "Er, well…I was wondering…if I might be able to join you…?" she asked hesitantly, cheeks feeling warmer by the second. If she was going to have a relationship with Tosh, she might as well dive right in. The other woman looked momentarily surprised, but nodded readily.

Smiling at her, Gwen rose and held out her hand. Returning the smile, Tosh slipped her hand into Gwen's and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet and led into the bedroom.

***