Title: Edge of the Universe
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 20_est_relships
Prompt: 14, Answers
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.***
"Ianto!"
Ianto was jolted awake when the Doctor's voice literally screamed in his ear, right beside him on the pillow. He sat bolt upright, instinctively reaching for his lover, sliding his arms around the Doctor's trembling body and pulling him close.
"Doctor .... shh, love, it's all right," Ianto murmured, holding the Gallifreyan close and trying to comfort him as best he could. "I'm here, sweetheart, you're safe." He closed his eyes, pressing his lips against the Doctor's forehead, hoping his actions could soothe the other man.
This had been happening more and more lately, Ianto thought with a frown. The Doctor had been having dreadful nightmares; he'd awaken screaming, just as he had tonight, and steadfastly refused to tell Ianto what they were about when the young man asked.
It was past time for him to get some answers. He couldn't let the Doctor's dreams keep haunting him like this -- not if he wanted them both to get enough rest.
"Another bad dream?" he asked softly, trying to think of the best way to get the Doctor to talk about whatever the nightmare had contained. It was never easy to make the Time Lord discuss something like his dreams; he seemed to close up when he was questioned about them.
The Doctor nodded, taking a shaky breath and pulling the covers up around the two of them. "Y-yes," he answered, the word barely audible. "Worse than usual, though I don't know why. It seems like they're getting more virulent as I have more of them."
"More of them?" Ianto frowned, his arm tightening around the Doctor's slender waist. "You mean these dreams are getting more frequent?" The Doctor didn't dream like ths every night, but he was right -- they did seem to be happening more often lately.
The Doctor nodded reluctantly, heaving a sigh. "I suppose it's my fears coming out -- even though I know that at the moment, I have nothing to be afraid of. But anyone's fears have a tendency to build up inside them -- these are simply looking for a way out."
"What are you so afraid of, Doctor?" Ianto asked, his voice low and husky. "Whatever it is, you know that I'll do my best to protect you from it."
The Doctor shook his head, then sighed and snuggled closer against his boyfriend, as though the closness to Ianto bolstered his ability to talk about his fears. "I-I'm afraid of regenerating," he whispered, his voice shaking as he spoke.
"You're not going to regenerate, love," Ianto told him, keeping his voice at a steady, soft pitch. "It's not as though you can be forced into it -- and it's not going to happen unless something very extreme were to happen."
"I know, but ...." The Doctor buried his face against Ianto's shoulder, his words muffled. "It's not only that. I'm terrified that something will happen to you -- and that I'll be alone again. That I'll have nothing but the memories of our time together."
Ianto sighed softly, feeling tears starting to prickle behind his own eyes. He had guessed that these nightmares involved something like this, but he hadn't realized just how badly they frightened the Time Lord -- and how much they ate into his soul and his peace of mind.
"That's going to happen, at some point," he whispered, trying to keep his voice from betraying the tears he felt welling up inside. "I'm human, love. I'm not going to live forever."
"I know," the Doctor said again, sniffling. "I don't expect that, Ianto; I know it's not possible. But I .... I can't help thinking about the day when I lose you, and I have to go through the rest of my life not having you by my side. I'll be half a man when that happens."
"No, you won't." Ianto shook his head, his voice strengthening with the sincerity of his feelings. "You could never be 'half a man,' Doctor. You're the strongest, bravest, most incredible man I've ever known. You'll never do anything by halves. And you'll never be anything but a complete person."
"Without you, I can't be!" the Doctor burst out, his voice breaking on the last word. "You're not just a companion, Ianto. You're not even just a lover. You're my soul mate. You're the other half of me. You're -- you're my whole world," he finished, the words a barely audible whisper.
So these were the answers he'd wanted for so long, Ianto thought, the tears finally spilling over and streaking down his face. This was what had been bothering his lover, culminating in nightmares that were apparently so vivid that they spilled over into conscious thought.
He'd known that he was important to the Doctor -- but he hadn't realized that he'd become the center of this man's life, the hub of the vast universe that the Gallifreyan inhabited.
Had anyone ever meant this much to him before? Ianto didn't think that was possible -- after all, there was only one soul mate. Somehow, fate had chosen him as the other half of the Doctor's soul, and he was discovering that sometimes, it wasn't an easy role to fill.
"You can't focus on that," Ianto told his lover, gulping back his tears and trying to keep his voice on a steady, even keel. "Doctor, if you constantly think about what will inevitably happen in the future, then you don't let yourself enjoy the present."
The Doctor nodded, not saying anything. Ianto wished that he could somehow express himself more eloquently, but he didn't have the words. All he had were his feelings, and putting them into words had never been easy for him.
But he had to try. He couldn't let these nightmares keep attacking the man he loved; he had to make the Doctor understand that worrying about what would happen in the future was only going to make what they had in the present less enjoyable for both of them.
"I know you're right," the Doctor sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into Ianto's embrace. "But the knowledge that I'll lose you in the future haunts me, Ianto. I can't make it go away."
"Yes, you can," Ianto told him firmly, taking the Doctor's chin in his hand and tilting the other man's face up to his. "You can make it go away by living in the present. You have to focus on what we have now, Doctor. The future will take care of itself."
"I suppose I'll have to do that, won't I?" the Doctor murmured, sighing softly as Ianto's arms tightened around him. "I shouldn't let this get to me so much. It's just hard to avoid those thoughts when they decide they want to take first place in my mind."
"You can't let them," Ianto said, hoping that the Doctor would be able to heed his advice. "That fear of the future can't be allowed to overtake what we have in the present, Doctor. And even if you're left with memories -- those memories will be precious."
The Time Lord nodded slowly, sniffling again as Ianto raised a hand to gently wipe away the few tears that had begun to trickle down his cheeks. "When that day comes, then the memories will have to be enough," he whispered. "They're all I'm going to have left."
"You'll still have me in your hearts," Ianto said, his voice breaking. He placed his hand on the Doctor's chest, feeling the strength of those dual heartbeats.
The Doctor didn't answer; he merely took Ianto's hand in his and kissed his young lover's fingertips, then pressed that hand against his own chest again, letting Ianto feel the warmth radiating from his body and his hearts thudding against his palm.
Ianto couldn't help feeling that he was standing at the edge of a vast universe -- the universe that he and the Doctor had made their own. And that even if he wasn't always here with the Time Lord in the physical sense, that he would always inhabit this world.
He wouldn't be able to spend the rest of the Doctor's life with him. They'd both known that from the beginning. But he could spend the rest of his own life with the Doctor -- and he was determined to make the most of all the time they were given.
All of his questions about the Doctor might not have been answered yet, Ianto told himself with an inward smile, but with that one gesture, he'd been given all the answers he needed for now.***
- Main Torchwood slash page
- New stories page
- Jack/Ianto stories
- Ianto/Owen stories
- Other pairings stories - ie threesomes
- F/F stories
- Gen stories
- Amazon.com - Torchwood: Children of Earth
- Amazon.co.uk - Torchwood - Children of Earth [DVD] [2009]
- Amazon.ca link - Torchwood - The Complete First Season (7DVD)