Title: Enlightenment
By: marvola
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Warning: WiP
Summary: In the aftermath of Greeks Bearing Gifts, how does Tosh deal with the revelations from Ianto?

***

Tosh feels a hand on her arm leading her to the conference room. She glances sideways and notices a sharply pressed pinstriped suit. Ianto. He leaves her in the conference room, murmuring something about getting her a drink. The room around her is fuzzy, like bad reception on a television set. She supposes it's the shock. Through the glass walls, she notices Jack and Ianto talking. Jack seems to be giving him instructions, as he is doing most of the talking with Ianto nodding whenever Jack pauses for breath. Eventually, Ianto holds up a hand, as if to cut Jack off mid flow. He nods once more and says something quickly before returning to the conference room with two glasses of Jack's prized Scotch. Jack has disappeared back down to his office.

Ianto hands one of the glasses to Tosh and sits down before taking a sip of his own drink.

"How are you feeling?" he asks before adding "Sorry, I know that's a pretty stupid question to ask under the circumstances."

Tosh doesn't smile, but she doesn't take offence to the question, as she might if any of the others had asked her.

"I don't know," she replies honestly, her eyes down. "In shock, I suppose. I can't believe he killed her."

She looks up for an instant to notice understanding flare in Ianto's eyes and a slight twisting of his lips and suddenly feels guilty. To distract herself, she takes a sip of her drink, cherishing the burning feeling moving down her throat. The room seems to be coming into focus around her as she sips.

Ianto watches her silently, waiting for her to offer something more. A tear slowly makes its way down her cheek. She holds a hand to her throat, remembering the feeling of the cold metal held against her.

"I can't believe she betrayed me," she finally whispers. "I feel so stupid, so naïve. How could I have been so blind?" She doesn't expect an answer to her question, but Ianto offers one anyway.

"Love is supposed to be blind, isn't it?" and then he adds, with a slight hint of bitterness. "I can testify to that."

Tosh looks up again, in surprise. The bitterness is a new aspect to Ianto's character and it's disconcerting. She'd caught a glimpse of it in the Brecon Beacons during Gwen's stupid game, but he'd hid it almost immediately. She hadn't missed the glare Jack had sent in his direction afterwards either.

Her hand moves from her throat to gently clasp his as it drums absentmindedly on the table.

"I never told you" she whispers, "I'm sorry about what happened to Lisa."

He allows his hand to rest under hers for a couple of seconds, then pulls back and grasps his drink again before taking another sip. She knows his hands are itching to straighten his tie, anything to put his façade back into place.

Outside the room, they glimpse Owen and Gwen hovering, and the moment is broken.

Ianto clears his throat. "Jack says he'll speak to you later. For now, he wants me to get a report on the pendant and"¦" he pauses before adding softly, "he asked me to remind you of the security procedures within the Hub." The irony of Ianto being asked to talk about security within the Hub does not escape the attention of either of them, but they choose to let it slide. They suppose it is Jack's not so subtle way of reminding them that while he may forgive, forgetting is not always that easy.

Tosh presumes it's to be expected. She did break protocol in bringing an outsider into the Hub. And she supposes Jack is being sensitive in staying away from her at the moment. She doesn't feel up to facing him yet. Aside from the anger she feels at him for killing Mary, she's also ashamed that she let him down. She's supposed to be the trustworthy, sensible member of the team. The one he can rely on not to let her emotions cloud her judgement. But she failed. Not just in bringing Mary into the Hub. She knows that Jack could forgive that easily. It's the violation of her colleagues' most private thoughts that will be most difficult to work through.

She closes her eyes as she remembers "Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt." Owen and Gwen, she knows she can deal with. Yes, it hurt to hear what they really thought of her, but she hadn't really expected anything more from the two of them. But Ianto is different. She can't believe she didn't notice before just how much pain he was in. The blank mask he wears every day, the one he is wearing right now is a good disguise but looking at his posture, his shoulders hunched, she knows that he is struggling to hold it all together. He is looking at her now in consternation.

"The pendant"¦" he prompts her gently, and she blinks rapidly, aware that she's been staring at him.

"It's how her people communicated" she explains, "have done for centuries. Well, at least that's what Mary said. Everything else she told me was a lie, why should this be any different."

She's shocked at the bitterness in her own tone. That was something that had never been there before either. But over the past few days, since she's had the pendant, it's been appearing more and more. She supposes it's a reaction to the pity she feels coming from the others.

She takes a deep breath, "When I was wearing it, I could hear people's thoughts. Their deepest, innermost thoughts, things they didn't even know they were thinking." She's echoing Mary now. But she wants to make someone understand. "The level of pain out there"¦ it's"¦ I don't know how to live with it."

On one level, she's trying to let Ianto know that he's not alone, that others are suffering too. On another level, she's hoping to prompt him into talking to her. She wants him to drop the act, to let go of the façade.

She doesn't want to burden this young innocent with the rest of it. How inherently selfish their society is. How she'd prayed for a random act of kindness to give her hope. How none was forthcoming.

Ianto doesn't speak, just continues to gaze at her calmly so she continues.

"I used it, Ianto. On strangers, on Owen, on Gwen, and even on you." Tears slide down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I violated you in the worst way possible."

She watches and she sees a reaction to her last words. The bland expression drops and what's left behind is a face that is full of anguish. The sorrow in his eyes makes her catch her breath. Those eyes belong to an old man. He has seen too much, experienced too much but at the same time, he is lost.

She reaches a hand out to him again.

"I don't pretend to fully know what you're going through," she whispers, "but I know that you can't go through this alone. You need to talk to somebody."

He presses his lips together in an imperceptible smile and squeezes her hand back.

"Who, though?" he asks, "Owen? Gwen? Jack?" he laughs bitterly. "I think I'm better off on my own."

The shutters come back up and she watches him visibly withdraw into himself and place his mask back in place as he closes the folder in front of him.

She wipes her eyes with a tissue and stands up to leave. Sighing deeply as she notices Gwen and Owen arguing outside the door. She could do without this today.

"Tosh?" pleads Ianto as she has her hand on the doorknob, "What you heard. Promise me you won't tell anyone else."

She turns to look at him, so vulnerable, so young and despite her better judgement, nods. It's not her place to repeat what she'd heard.

***

Tosh leaves the conference room, Ianto's expression haunting her mind, to find Gwen and Owen waiting to confront her. The conversation with them is mercifully brief. Owen stalks off, content that he's put her in her place and Tosh can't blame him. For once, he's probably justified in his anger.

Gwen, on the other hand, is different. She seems almost relieved that somebody has found out about herself and Owen and is clearly desperate for somebody to talk to about it. But Tosh has to stop her in her tracks. She can't be her confidante, at least not today. She's only barely holding herself together after listening to the pain, the fear, the emptiness that's out there. Seeing the loneliness. Watching Ianto's struggles to just keep living, just to keep putting one step in front of the other.

Tosh extracts herself from the conversation as soon as possible and returns to her desk. The translation program is still running. She stares at it in silence before collecting up her bag and jacket and leaving the Hub. Briefly, she wonders whether she should go and talk to Jack first but dismisses the idea. He can find her when he needs to.

Once outside though, Tosh is lost, she has nowhere to go. She can't face returning to her own house. The empty rooms mocking her, the bed still rumpled from earlier in the evening. She considers going to a bar, but dismisses this. It's tempting to lose herself in alcohol but she knows it'll only be a temporary solution. She wanders the streets for a while before coming back to the Plas and sinking into a bench beside the fountain.

This is where Jack finds her hours later. He perches himself on the bench beside her and they sit in silence for a few minutes until Tosh can't take it any longer.

"Are you going to fire me?" she asks, as practical as ever.

Jack's answer surprises her in it's honesty. "I thought about it."

"And?"

"And the answer's no. I believe everyone deserves a second chance." There's something about the way he says this that makes Tosh look up, some extra meaning hidden behind the sentence that she can't grasp.

"Except for Mary obviously." The words are out before she can stop them, the bitterness burning in her throat.

Jack looks at her, his expression blank. "Believe it or not Tosh, I don't take some perverse pleasure in killing off the girlfriends of my team. But she was a murderer." He shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. "Don't think for a second that she would have spared you either. And don't expect me to apologise. I did what needed to be done." He looks up again, compassion in his eyes, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry for what she did to you."

Tosh sighs, recognising the truth in what he is saying. Her hours of reflection had led her to the same conclusion. She reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out the pendant. "It's funny," she says, looking at it. "Such a small thing. It could be the most powerful piece of technology we've ever found."

Jack leaves the decision of what to do with the pendant up to her, and Tosh recognises this for what it is. A challenge, a test to see where her loyalties lie. And an expression of trust as well. She doesn't even need to look at him to realise this as she crushes the pendant under her heel. As she does so, she feels a small weight lift from her shoulders. It gives her the courage to ask Jack the question that had been bothering her.

"Why couldn't I read your mind?"

The reply she gets is a typical flippant Harkness non-answer which leads her to push for more. She knows she's stepped over the line when Jack changes the subject. She follows his lead in attempted levity, but can't continue with it. It's too fake and she's had enough of people hiding their true selves over the past few days.

Tears threaten to spill out of her eyes as she explains, "After a while it gets to you. It changes how you see people." Her voice starts to crack as she asks him, "How can I live with it?"

For the first time that evening, Tosh feels she has Jack's full attention as he leans over to her and comforts her. "There are some things we're not supposed to know," he says, "You got a snapshot, nothing more." It's an empty platitude but it makes her feel slightly better.

"I don't mean about Gwen and Ianto and Owen," she continues, lying slightly, as Ianto has been at the back of her mind all evening. "I mean"¦ the whole world." Jack stands up then, and she recognises another patented Harkness move as he offers comfort but no answers. So she shakes her head and tells him it doesn't matter. There's no point in being a burden. She watches him walk away and feels as empty as when he'd sat down.

An hour later finds her leaning on a railing, staring out into the bay. She doesn't realise how long she's been there until an elderly man comes up beside her and shoots her a concerned look.

"Not thinking about jumping in, are you love?" he asks.

Tosh is shaken out of her reverie and turns to the stranger with a polite smile. "No, I'm not," she reassures him.

"Didn't have you classed as a jumper but you can never be sure," he continues, "Now see him over there" and he points to a young man in the distance, wearing a suit. Ianto, she thinks immediately, "He comes here every single evening for three or four hours. Just stands there staring into the water. One of these days, he's just going to do it. And I won't be able to stop him."

Tosh continues to stare at the young man. His resemblance to Ianto is uncanny but on closer observation it's not him, she's sure of that. However it's enough to make her reconsider her earlier decision and with resolution, she returns to the Hub.

Gwen and Owen have disappeared and there's no sign of Ianto, for which Tosh is thankful. She makes her way to Jack's office and finds him staring at the wall, a glass of Scotch in hand, so lost in thought that he doesn't hear her approach.

She clears her throat and steps forward. Jack looks up in surprise.

"There's something I didn't tell you," she starts and his expression darkens as he gestures to the seat in front of him.

"It's about Ianto," Tosh continues as she takes the seat indicated, "He's asked me not to say anything, but I don't know what else to do."

Jack is concerned now, and he leans forward as he encourages her, "Go on."

"When I had the pendant, I"¦" she stops unsure how to phrase this, then a torrent of words bursts from her, "He's in pain, Jack. He's in serious pain. His thoughts when I read them were consumed by it and I'm scared. Scared he's going to do something stupid. I talked to him earlier and he's lost. He has nobody to talk to, nobody to turn to and it's only a matter of time before we lose him like we lost Suzie. We need to do something. What we're looking at is just a mask. We don't know him any better than we did before we found out about Lisa." She stops, having run out of things to say. Jack's expression has changed from encouraging to the bland mask he had earlier.

"Thanks for telling me Tosh," he responds, "Now, it's been a long day and you should go home and get some sleep." Recognising the dismissal, Tosh gets to her feet. She'd expected some kind of reaction out of him and the lack of emotion disconcerts her.

"Goodnight then," Tosh whispers and makes her way out of the Hub. She's nearly in the lift when she hears the unmistakeable sound of a glass breaking in Jack's office and him swearing. It sounds like the mask has finally broken.

***

Jack sits alone in his office, his face buried in his hands. A single lamp lit on his desk causes the shards of his broken glass to glisten in the corner. Time passes as he stays there, unmoving.

The seconds and minutes tick by as sits there and wonders what is so fundamentally wrong with him that none of his team feel they can turn to him. Tosh resorted to a complete stranger, Gwen has turned to Owen and he in a sense to her, and Ianto just keeps everything bottled up; an emotional time-bomb, waiting to explode.

Tosh's revelation wasn't that surprising to him. He's been watching Ianto closely ever since the incident with Lisa and he can see that Ianto is nowhere close to healing. Something shattered inside of him the moment he'd held the gun up to her face.

He should have talked to Ianto about it. That was one of his duties as a leader but it's seemed easier to ignore it. The proverbial elephant in the room. The guilt threatens to overwhelm Jack. He's failed Ianto and he's failed his team. He knows Tosh is upset at the lack of emotion he'd shown earlier. Right now, she's probably thinking of him as a monster as well, and he can't say that he blames her.

***

An hour later finds Jack on the roof of a nearby building, the night lights of Cardiff stretching out in front of him. He's always done his best thinking on roofs. Being at a distance from everyone else gives him perspective. Added to this, he feels just a little closer to the stars and a little more connected to the universe.

It's allowed him to come up with a strategy to help Ianto. Trying to talk to him outright just won't work. Ianto would close up. Jack can visualise the shutters coming down in his eyes as he comes up with a polite reason to excuse himself from the conversation. Jack has other methods of getting people to talk, things he'd learned in the Time Agency, but any form of mind control would be taking advantage of Ianto and he's determined never to do that.

No, what he needs is a subtle way to let Ianto know he's trusted. He needs to let him know that he's needed by the team and by Jack. He needs a way of getting Ianto out of the pit of self despair he's created for himself and focusing on somebody else. A way of doing this is to play to Ianto's biggest strength. His need to protect the people he cares about.

***

Ianto is first in the next morning, as usual. He puts on a pot of coffee as he cleans up the debris from the previous day. Jack stands at the door of his office, watching him grow uncomfortable under his gaze.

Eventually, Ianto turns to face him. "Is there anything I can help you with, Sir?" he asks.

Jack contemplates him, smiling slightly. "Now that you mention it, there is," is his response. "Bring me in a cup of coffee when you're ready and I'll talk to you about it," and with that he turns and retreats to his desk, pretending to absorb himself in paperwork. As an afterthought, he shouts out to Ianto, "And don't forget to pour a cup for yourself."

Within a few minutes, Ianto is back with coffee for Jack and tea for himself. Jack watches him as he perches himself on the chair opposite to Jack and holds his cup of tea in both hands, seemingly gathering strength from the warmth within.

Jack leans back in his chair, sipping his coffee. "I wanted to talk to you about Tosh," he begins and almost immediately sees Ianto stiffen, obviously worried about whether Tosh had confided in him. "I'd like you to keep an eye on her," and he notices Ianto relax slightly.

"Is that necessary, Sir?" asks Ianto. "I'm sure she's learnt her lesson."

"Oh, I'm sure too," responds Jack, "and I trust her. But I'm kind of worried about her. And you're probably the closest person to her here." He sees Ianto open his mouth as if to disagree with this and sits up, holding up a hand to silence him. "You are," he insists. "Gwen and Owen are too wrapped up in themselves to be of any help right now, and for obvious reasons, Tosh isn't too comfortable around me at the moment."

Jack lets a trace of vulnerability cross his face as he says that last sentence. Part of this is him acting, playing a part, because he wants Ianto to see that he's human and not infallible. However, there is painful truth there in his vulnerability and he almost doesn't need to consciously think about what he's saying. As unsettling as it is, Ianto's calm presence lends itself very well to disclosures. He has the feeling he could admit anything to him and Ianto would just blink steadily back at him before asking if he wanted more coffee. He has a sudden mad urge to tell Ianto about his immortality, just to see if he can shake his composure but fights it back. He's supposed to be trying to get Ianto to open up, not the other way round.

"So what am I supposed to be looking out for?" Ianto asks, breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence that has fallen between them. Jack's pleased to see that he looks thoughtful and not as hunted as he did before.

"I just want you to be there for her," answers Jack. "Make sure she's coping alright with what happened. I'm not asking you to betray any confidences," he says quickly, anticipating Ianto's objections, "but just check in with me every now and again."

He takes another sip of coffee, then decides to plunge on. "I've dropped the ball far too many times Ianto. I haven't paid attention when I should have and you guys have paid the price for that." Ianto flushes and Jack wonders whether he's gone too far. Nothing he has said has been dishonest, but he's wary of unburdening himself too much too soon, worried about scaring Ianto off. He breathes a slight sigh of relief when this doesn't happen though and Ianto raises his eyes to meet Jacks.

"Don't blame yourself too much," Ianto whispers, "Some things are beyond your control."

The simple honesty evident in Ianto's eyes catches Jack unawares. He has to bite back a retort about pots and kettles. If there was ever an example of someone blaming themselves too much, it was Ianto. Once the initial rage at Jack over Lisa had passed, he had clearly begun to do just that regarding the entire incident. He'd replaced the responsibility of caring for her with carrying the burden of guilt, and had been doing everything in his power to make up for betraying his team. He'd been first in the Hub and last to leave every day since then. Jack has a sneaking suspicion that his sacrificing himself to save Tosh in the Brecon Beacons had been another way to assuage his guilt.

"Easier said than done," says Jack softly after a pause, smiling wryly as he holds his gaze.

The moment passes, bringing the conversation to a close and Ianto excuses himself to go and open up the tourist office.

Jack leans back in his chair once he's gone, quietly pleased with how the conversation went. Ianto's expression near the end had been briefly open and honest, which is a definite step forward on their meandering path.

He switches on the CCTV feed of the tourist office, to find Ianto sitting at his computer, as still as a statue. The minutes go by as he continues to watch him, but Ianto remains motionless, clearly lost in contemplation.

***

Ianto Jones was a methodical, efficient man who rarely shirked from his duties. When Jack had asked him to keep an eye on Tosh, he took those instructions to heart at once, a little pride flaring in him that he had been entrusted with this task. While Jack was watching him on CCTV, Ianto was silently contemplating the most efficient way of getting Tosh to open up to him.

She already trusted him; his sacrifice in the Brecon Beacons had seen to that. But while she trusted him to protect her physically, emotionally was another matter. If she'd trusted him emotionally, she would have told him about Mary beforehand. She would have confided in him about the pendant.

Ianto was aware that this was his own fault though. He'd deliberately closed himself off from the team. Gwen and Owen's flirting irritated him; they were acting like a pair of hormonal teenagers. Ianto couldn't bring himself to find any depth or meaning in their relationship. He was aware that on his part, he wasn't exactly being fair, but he felt that he was entitled to feel like this. The love of his life had been killed less than two months ago. The devotion and intensity of his relationship with Lisa was just so different to what Gwen and Owen shared that he failed to see any value in what they had.

Jack was another issue altogether. The older man was an enigma. The burning rage he'd felt against him following Lisa's had died away almost immediately, leaving confusion in its place. The look on his face as he'd told Tosh yesterday that he'd killed Mary had renewed these feelings of rage somewhat. Then there was this morning though. He's sure he saw vulnerability in Jack's eyes as he'd talked about where he'd gone wrong in the past. There was something else there as well but Ianto chose to ignore it, not sure he'd be comfortable with what he'd discover about himself if he chose to examine it further.

He forced his mind off Jack and thought about Tosh once more. The pain in her eyes as she'd talked to him in the boardroom mirrored what he felt in his heart every day. He'd do anything to make things easier for her. Nobody should have to go through what he did.

The day before yesterday had been a particularly bad day for Ianto. It would have been his and Lisa's fourth anniversary. Ianto had spent the day attempting to keep busy, hoping some drama would erupt that would force his attention elsewhere because in the quiet moments, his despair threatened to overwhelm him. All he could feel was the pain of his loss. The memories of their relationship had come back to him, one by one, until he'd felt like screaming to block them out. It had taken all his concentration to keep his mask in place, to avoid breaking down until he'd arrived home that night and surrounded himself in the photographs he had of the two of them together.

He was interrupted in his musings by the door of the Tourist Office opening and Tosh entering.

"Morning Ianto," she said, slightly more subdued than usual. He didn't miss the dark shadows under her eyes, indicating she hadn't slept well.

"Good morning," he answered and went to press the button to open the door down to the Hub. He stopped, struck by sudden inspiration and before he'd even thought about it was asking her if she fancied getting out of the Hub at lunchtime for an hour or two.

Tosh looked at him as if he'd grown another head and he blushed furiously as he began to withdraw the invitation. Before he could do so though, she'd nodded agreement and had even given him a small smile as she'd accepted his offer.

****

It was with a slightly darkened expression that Jack met Ianto when the younger man arrived at his office door at the end of the day. He hadn't said anything when they had gone out for lunch together. In fact, he was pleased that Ianto had come out of his shell enough to do so. He couldn't begrudge either of them the company either. Jack had been lonely for so long that he had learned to recognise loneliness in others. It was more of a self-pitying feeling that he rarely allowed himself to indulge in. A sort of jealousy that they could confide in each other while he continued to struggle on alone.

It was this feeling that caused him to bark out "Well?" in a barely concealed edgy tone when Ianto sat down. He immediately cursed himself as he visibly watched Ianto withdraw into himself, his expression becoming more bland, if that was possible.

"Ianto, I'm sorry," he started again. "I just"¦ Look, do you want a drink?" and he held up the decanter of Scotch.

Ianto consider the finely cut glass for a moment before shrugging imperceptibly and answering, "Why not."

Jack poured the drinks and handed one to Ianto. The younger man sipped tentatively at the amber liquid. They sat in awkward silence, drinking uncomfortably.

Jack realised that it was up to him to do something about this. He chose his next words carefully.

"Thank you," he finally said, "for taking Tosh out for lunch earlier."

Ianto eyed him warily, "It was no problem Sir. I was hungry."

Jack waved his hand with the barest hint of impatience. "You know what I mean Ianto," he replied, "She seemed calmer when you two came back, less upset."

He couldn't help himself from blurting out the next sentence, "What did you two talk about?"

Ianto's steady expression changed to one of scorn as he put his glass down and made to stand up. Jack jumped out of his chair and stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. He was doing this all wrong.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, "I should never have asked you that."

Ianto turned to face him. "No you shouldn't," he agreed with a sigh of resignation and sat back down.

Jack ran his hand tiredly over his face as he contemplated the younger man. There was a gulf between them that had sprang up after the incident with Lisa. One that he had never made any serious attempts to bridge, which he was regretting now.

He sat back in his own chair and poured himself another glass of Scotch.

"What I should have asked is how you think she is. And if you think talking to you helped her."

Ianto nodded, "Tosh is strong, Jack," he said, forgoing the customary 'Sir.' "She's a little disillusioned with the world at the moment but I think she'll get over that. I don't know if talking to me helped. I didn't say much, to be honest. Just listened to her."

"Well, that's the important thing," answered Jack. "Sometimes all anybody needs is someone to listen to them, offer them a shoulder to cry on. Without that you can drive yourself mad with loneliness."

He wasn't talking about Tosh anymore. He wasn't sure whether he was talking about Ianto or about himself, but Ianto noticed the change and looked at him.

"Who do you have?" asked Ianto, before he could stop himself.

Jack gave him a long incomprehensible look before issuing a dry, mirthless, bark of laughter. "Nobody, Ianto. I have nobody."

Ianto lowered his head and stared at the glass nestled in his hands. "Neither do I anymore," he whispered.

He stayed staring at the glass for a few long moments before seeming to come to himself. He stood up quickly, "I better go" and was out of the Hub before Jack could stop him.

Jack stayed alone in his office, finishing the decanter of Scotch as the clock on the wall ticked its way long into the night. Darkness slowly closed around him, masking the tracks of his tears.

***