Title: Far Behind
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 57, Betrayal
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

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Dear Jack,

I've been writing letters to you more and more frequently. Maybe it's because there was so much I wanted to say when we were apart, and now that you're here, it's somehow easier for me to pour out all of those feelings in writing rather than conversation.

I've never been very good at saying what I mean when it comes to my emotions. It's always seemed much easier to just skirt around them, or pretend that they don't exist. I've found from bitter experience that not revealing how I feel is the best way to keep from getting hurt.

But with the two of us, that strategy didn't work so well for me, did it? I ended up being hurt anyway, though I honestly don't think that telling you how I was feeling at the time would have stopped you from walking away. You would still have left.

Yes, there's a side of me that's still bitter about that. I think it's probably going to take me a very long time to get past that bitterness -- and to completely forgive you for it. I'm struggling with it, but I am trying, and I know that I'll succeed in the end.

A part of me -- the largest part -- has forgiven you. I know that you only did what you felt that you needed to do -- and that you needed to spend some time away from me to be sure of your own feelings. If I was in your place, maybe I would have done the same thing.

No, I don't think I would have. I'd more than likely have put your feelings before mine -- and I would have discussed things with you. I don't think I would have just walked away without some kind of conversation between us, some way to let you know that I didn't love you any less.

That's what hurt the most, Jack. Feeling that your love for me had somehow lessened, that I had done something to make you back away. Feeling that somehow, I wasn't enough to make you happy, and that you'd grown tired of being with me.

I know now that those thoughts weren't true, and that I should have made you talk to me. Maybe if I had, then I would have understood your actions better, and I would have realised that you needed to be apart from me for a while to sort out your own emotions.

If only I had talked to you, asked you the real reasons behind your leaving. But I immediately jumped to the wrong conclusions; I listened to that little voice in the back of my mind that kept insisting you didn't love me, that I had only been a plaything for you.

You didn't feel that way, and I should have known that when you left. I should have accepted that you were only doing what you felt was best, and that you needed a bit of time away from me to come to terms with your own feelings.

But I didn't do that. I took your leaving the wrong way, and I believed the worst of you. I'm ashamed to say that for a long time, I even thought that leaving was your way of paying me back for having left you so long ago, when I was in another body.

I should never have done that, I know. And I've apologised for it, time and time again -- both to you, and to myself. I know that was the catalyst for so much of what's happened between us, and I've bitterly regretted that act ever since I committed it.

If I could take that one mistake back, I would do it in a moment. But I can't, Jack. I did it, and it caused you a lot of pain and heartache. But you know that it caused me an equal amount of pain, knowing that I'd left you in the past because of my own weakness.

What I did was a terrible betrayal of your trust -- and if I had it to do over again, I would make a very different choice. But at the time, I was terrified of what you'd become, Jack. I didn't understand it -- and I was afraid of it at the same time.

That's a very human emotion, isn't it? Humans have a tendency to try to destroy what they most fear -- and at the time, I feared you. Not you as a person, but what you had become. I couldn't explain it, and my first instinct was to run away and leave you as far behind as I could.

Running away was my second betrayal. It was bad enough that I left you there in the past -- but not going back for you was inexcusable. I know that now -- and really, I knew it then. But I was afraid to go back, afraid to look for you.

I was sure that you would resent me -- possibly even hate me for what I'd done. And when I finally found you again, I was gratified to find that you didn't seem to feel that way, and that you wanted me in this new body just as much as I'd always wanted you.

We both have reasons to hold back from each other, to withhold our complete trust and to go slowly. But to be very honest, I don't think we can do that. There's too much history between us -- and we want each other too much to be cautious.

I've wanted to throw caution to the winds and come running back to you so many times since you left, but my stiff-necked pride wouldn't let me do it. Now that you've turned the tables and come back to me, I realise that I should have swallowed my pride long ago.

Yes, there's a part of me that still looks at your leaving as a betrayal, and it might still take me some time to get past that and stop seeing our parting in that light. But that doesn't change the fact that I love you -- and that I always will.

You were waiting for me to write that, weren't you? I can picture you reading this, the smile spreading over your face when you finally see the words written down in black and white, when you have the ultimate confirmation from me not only in words, but in writing.

But then, you've always known how I felt, haven't you? Even in all the time we were parted, and even when you walked away, you knew that my hearts were reaching out for you. And if you're honest with yourself, I believe that yours was reaching for me.

I hope that the two of us have played these silly games for long enough, and that we're finally going to put them behind us. At least now we're able to talk openly and honestly about our feelings, rather than hiding them behind a stony facade.

Both of us still might feel that our respective actions constituted a betrayal of each other, and that's all right. Anyone would feel that way. But we're slowly getting past those bitter feelings, and I think that we'll be stronger in the long run for having had those emotions take us over.

We've both done what we felt that we had to do at the time, and we've spent far too much time apart. But we're both where we belong now, Jack -- and I seriously doubt that we're ever going to let distance or time even attempt to separate us again.

Your loving

Doctor

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