Title: Revelations and Filing Systems
By: bittersweet
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Note: I was feeling silly, so here is a little fluffiness... someone said these read like parodies... and they're kinda right... but to me it's as much a part of the Janto world that lives in my head as the angsty stuff.
Summary: This is very stupid but Jack has a certain line (in the first episode, I think)... I just couldn't resist.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but if I promise not to break them can I play with them a little? Oh, wait. That came out wrong.

***

"Jack?"

"Yes, Ianto? Hang on... what the hell is that?"

"Your file, Sir."

"My wha' Oh no you don't! Give that here..."

"Sir, don't -"

...

...

"Sorry about that."

"No need to apologise, Sir. But I would appreciate it if you...ah...got off me."

"I'm not going to let you read those, you know...anything those two wrote... and him... oh, when that thing ate him it was a relief, I can tell you..."

"Who are you talking...actually, I don't want to know. I've read it anyway. I had to. You asked me to clean them up and send sanitised versions to UNIT, remember?"

...

...

"You read it?"

"Yes. And we need to talk."

"Oh nooo...What they considered inappropriate was so different, Yan... I swear, I had no idea it was illegal. And none of them can deny it wasn't a hell of a night. Or are you talking about the other time? That was an accident. They never said they were related-"

"JACK! Please. I'm not talking about sexual harassment claims, Sir. I don't keep them in your file anymore anyway. They have their own room... and their own filing system. Cross referenced by era, species involved and technique."

"Really?"

"Yes. We've been considering publishing. Owen suggested a few titles; 'Aliens Hunters Cardiff ' A History in Chocolate and Handcuffs' was one. Tosh preferred 'Weevils and Corsets'. I wanted something a little slicker, but then we all realised it would take to much effort."

"Oh."

"Indeed, Sir."

"Then... what are we discussing?"

"There are few other anomalies in here."

"Like what?"

"Well, mainly... Sir, why have you have taken maternity leave? Twice?"

"They recorded that!"

...

...

"Okay, okay. The second time was a hoax."

"And the first?"

"Humans are a very popular surrogate species."

"Jack..."

"I'm serious! C'mon... I was young, I needed the money... actually, they paid me with a four month stint on their ship...but at the time I thought it was worth it. The fifties bored me."

"So... you gave birth?"

"Sort of. It was all very messy, actually. Never doing it again, that's for sure. It might have been easier if I'd picked a species with fewer heads...are you okay?"

"Fine, Sir."

"You look a little queasy."

"I'm fine. Um. I'll just take the leave slips out, shall I?"

"That might be best."

"Yes. Oh, and Sir?"

"Yeah?"

"You are still on top of me. Straddling my hips, to be precise. Did you even look at the booklet I sent you?"

"The Sexual Conduct Workplace thingy one?"

"Yes."

"Oh, I loved that. You should find out if there are more in that series."

...

...

"It isn't a spoof book, Sir."

...

...

"I'm going to go now."

"Ianto, no...stay here with me. I'll read it properly. I promise."

"It's ok, Sir. I don't actually mind, you know. If I did I wouldn't let you do it."

"I know, but..."

"It's ok, Jack. Now I have to finish this and get the afternoon coffee."

"Alright. I'll be waiting."

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"Really... a baby?"

"Yes. Well, technically a broodling. But yes. Do you mind?"

"Surprisingly... no."

"You're amazing, Mr Jones. And you look so pretty when you blush."

"And you talk rubbish. I'm going, Jack. Now. Off!"

"Ok, I'm up! Hey..."

"Yes, Sir?"

"Really a whole room?"

"A room with twelve cabinets, floor to ceiling shelving and two boxes outside the door."

"Shit..."

"That's what I thought."

"No, I mean...shit I'm good!"

***

And I will leave it to you all to imagine the expression on Ianto's face...

***