Title: Pink Hedgehogs and Alien Floozes
By: sqyd
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, team
Rating: NC17
Warnings: BDSM. Silly too. I have nothing to say in my own defense. Nothing.
Spoilers: None
Word count: 2200
Disclaimers: I don't own Torchwood or any of the characters. If I did, I'd take better care of them.
Summary: Ianto is cranky and somebody will pay the price.
Beta: Rootesie, who is a sick puppy
Notes: It's a sequel to Blame it on the Christmas Fairies, but having read that is not prerequisite. All I ever wanted to do is write drunk Ianto, but I keep ending up somewhere else. What's wrong with me?

***************

Ianto Jones had just about had enough.

It had been nice to have a few tranquil days over Christmas. He and Jack had spent most of Christmas day shagging. They'd made good use of the new stop watch and the toy he got for Jack. Ianto had been pleasantly sore for days. But then the rift started throwing fits. Ianto guessed that it was just too much to ask for peace on earth for two whole weeks. He realized as he was scrubbing purple alien guts from white tile that he hadn't had a shag in five days. Not even a solitary wank in the shower. He just hadn't had the time or energy. After overlong days of dealing with Rift rubbish, he cleaned up after the others, filed the reports, fed the Weevils and Myfanwy, then went home for a few hours of dreamless sleep. He was running on caffeine fumes.

First there were the pink hedgehogs. They were mostly harmless, if you didn't count their feisty attitudes and needle-sharp quills. Herding them into the back of the SUV was a challenge. Fortunately, they were neither sentient, nor did they have special dietary needs. They settled them on Flat Holm - "they" meaning Ianto. Owen was in his usual crotchety mood while dabbing antiseptic on the puncture marks around Ianto's ankles.

Next there was the tourist cruiser from the Horsehead Nebula. Technically this had nothing to do with the rift; just a bureaucratic mix-up. Jack argued till he was blue in the face, that species that had not possessed the ability of space travel beyond their own galaxy were off limits for intergalactic tourism. The thirty-one irate Horsehead Nebulonians refused to leave till they got a value for their money. In the end, Ianto and Gwen stepped in. While Gwen distracted Jack - and Ianto was going to have firm words with her about her methods - Ianto offered thirty-one inflatable Santa dolls to the incensed tourists, who, excited and happy with their "antiques", finally buggered off.

There were also assorted crashed ufos, malicious alien tech and temporally displaced space garbage that kept them on their toes, day and night. On the non-alien side there was a group of giggling Japanese girls invading the tourist office, vast quantities of mud his coworkers dragged into the Hub, and their constant whines for coffee. However, what really pushed Ianto close to breaking point was the succubus from the 23rd century Andromeda Galaxy who got her claws (literally) into Jack. Completely ignoring protocol, Ianto grabbed the Tarconian plasma cannon from the armory and blew her bleeding head off. Evidently, alien succubi were not immune to 42nd century energy weapons. Jack congratulated him on his quick thinking, but Ianto was not speaking to him. Was it too much to ask from Captain bloody Harkness not to fall into the lap of every skanky alien tramp?

Ianto spent the rest of the day seething - which in his case meant that to a casual observer he seemed exactly the same as always. Tosh darted a few concerned looks at him, but Tosh was onto him ever since the pendant incident. The others... not so much. Ianto was picking up pizza boxes, and wondering if it was time to steam clean the sofa again. Owen was in the autopsy bay doing something - judging from sounds, using two scalpels and metal tray as makeshift drum kit. Tosh was pretending not want to run down the steps and comfort Owen - not that the wanker needed or deserved it. Instead she feigned interest in Gwen's ceaseless twittering about her and Rhys's Christmas. Gwen of course, was supposed to be writing her report, but she wasn't. Jack for some reason found it necessary to take apart some alien gadget on Suzie's the workbench, spreading bits and bobs and unidentified greasy substances all over. Myfanwy was squawking like an overgrown duck while flying laps around the water tower.

"Ianto love, could you make some coffee?" Gwen warbled, and it was what finally pushed Ianto over the edge. He snapped.

"Why don't you get Owen do it? He has the experience, and it's not like he's doing anything at the moment." Ianto's tone was level and measured, yet the entire Hub became very quiet all of a sudden. The only sound was metal clattering on tile - Owen must have dropped a scalpel.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to attend to the tourist office." He adjusted his tie and walked out the cog door.

****************

 Owen's head poked up from the bay. Three pairs of accusatory eyes stared at Jack.

"Jack?" Started Tosh.

"What?"

"What did you do?" Snapped Gwen.

"Me?"

"Or what didn't you do?" Sniggered Owen.

"I don't know what you are insinuating." He huffed.

Just then the rift alarms sounded.

"Something is coming through in Splott." Tosh narrated. "It's not very big."

"I'll go." Gwen volunteered more eagerly then warranted. "Tosh, join me?"

"Oh, good idea." Tosh seemed enthusiastic to leave the Hub.

"I'll go with you! You might need a doctor, you never know." Owen volunteered hastily.

Jack looked at them from under a furrowed brow as they hurriedly filed out.

****************

Ianto was still fuming as he  re-stacked flyers in the tourist office. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was being unfair. None of this was the others' fault, not truly, but he just really wasn't in the mood to listen to himself. His comm crackled.

"Ianto, could I see you down here?"

"On my way, sir."

He found Jack leaning against the work bench, wrapped in his coat, looking at him in that superior way that just made Ianto want to slap him. Also, it made him strangely aroused. He wanted to slap himself.

"Ianto, Ianto, Ianto." The taunting tone of Jack's voice did nothing, but raise Ianto's ire.

"Sir?" Despite his best efforts an icy chill was slipping into his own voice.

He wanted to... He didn't know what he wanted. Strangle the man? Snog him? He cursed the day he met Jack Harkness; this exasperating man who made his blood boil in every which way possible. He raked his eyes over Jack. Hey, wait a minute... Why was Jack wearing his coat inside the Hub? Then his eyes trailed down to Jack's bare feet.

"Jack, don't tell me you're naked under that coat."

"Okay, I won't tell you."

He showed him instead. Ianto's angry, narrowed eyes were probably not the reaction he was hoping for.

"Jack! You can't just do whatever you please, and then think you can make it right by dropping your pants."

He was leaning towards the idea of strangling Jack - or at least something in the same neighborhood.

"You'd be surprised how often it works. Here, why don't you try it?" His hands reached for Ianto's belt.

"No. This is not how it will go." Ianto's eyes were steely cold, his voice so controlled that it was almost without an accent. "Back to the bench. Take the coat off. Put it on the chair, there."

Jack's breathing quickened as he obeyed.

"Turn around, hands on the table."

Jack did as he was told. He had to bend at the waist, his pert arse was on shameless display. He looked back over his shoulder with curiosity to see what Ianto was up to.

Ianto undid his belt and slipped it out of its loops. He folded it in half and stepped closer. He watched the goosebumps ran down Jack's arms.

"You need to learn a lesson, Jack. You understand?"

"Yes." He replied with a strangled voice.

There was a swift swoosh, and a loud slap as leather hit flesh. Ianto had just enough self-control to make it sting hard, but not injure.

"That was for flirting with Gwen earlier."

"I wasn't..."

Smack!

"I'm sorry."

"And this is for sticking your tongue down the throat of that alien floozy."

Smack!

"Succubus. That really wasn't my..."

Smack!

And this is for wiggling your arse just now.

Smack!

"And this is for nearly having your way with Gwen at her own wedding."

Smack!

Jack stayed very quiet. Ianto looked fixedly at the red marks criss-crossing those perfectly shaped buttocks. Everything was so maddeningly perfect about him; every line, every curve of his body. Ianto wished he could permanently mark him, but the marks, like Ianto himself, were temporary. He lifted the belt.

Smack!

That last one was a little harder and he could hear Jack forcibly breathing through his nose. Ianto walked to the greatcoat and in one of the pockets found what he was looking for. He dropped the belt.

"Captain Jack Harkness, you are slut, aren't you?"

"Yes sir."

Ianto's cool fingers brushed over the red burning welts. Jack shivered under his touch .

"I should just leave you like this."

"NO!" Jack was hoarse and desperate.

"You want me to fuck you, the wanton hussy you are?"

"Yes Ianto, please!"

"All right."

Ianto prodded Jack's legs further apart. He pushed his own trousers and briefs just enough to free his erection. He slammed into Jack with barely any  preparation. He was riding him hard and without mercy, fingers digging harshly into Jack's hips, till Jack shuddered and groaned and came all over the bench, over bits of alien tech. Ianto kept thrusting into him. Tightening, clenching muscles were wrenching his orgasms out of him. Along with it he felt all the exhaustion-fuelled anger and frustration ripped out of him, as well. He collapsed onto Jack.

"Thank you." Ianto whispered, and pressed a soft kiss on Jack's shoulder.

Tucking himself in, he suddenly felt uncertain. What was the proper etiquette for after spanking and ravishing your boss at the work place? Jack on the other hand didn't look perturbed at all. He pulled Ianto in for a full body hug.

"Jack, I'm sorry."

Jack guffawed.

"Don't be. You are adorable when you are cross."

"Did you just call me adorable?"

"Yeah, does it make you angry?"

"You are insufferable."

"You wouldn't have me any other way."

"True." It was. Jack was a package deal.

"You know, the way you blew away that "alien floozy" was fiercely sexy. It got me all hard."

"You were already hard."

"I wasn't..."

"I know, I know, you weren't in control of yourself. I'm not really angry about that, or the Gwen flirting thing. I told her to distract you, and I guess that's all she could think of."

"How about the wedding?"

"Yeah, that... You'll have to convince me some more that I shouldn't be miffed about that."

"You could spank me again." Jack waggled his brows suggestively. He was such a slut, Ianto thought warmly.

"Are you... all right?" His fingers ghosted over the hot-red bruises. Jack squirmed against his palm.

"Don't worry, it's nothing, will be gone in a few hours. We should do this again - maybe with a few embellishments? You'd look great in leather." Jack's voice went into a low seductive purr. "Some whips, a few handcuffs, toys... Just think about it." Ianto did. His cheeks started to burn at the images flitting through his mind. He gulped before pulling himself together.

"I'll consider it. For now you should take a shower though."

Jack pulled away with a laugh.

"Come with me?" He headed for the showers. Ianto followed, as they both knew he would.

****************

The girls pushed Owen ahead as the cog door opened. They walked in warily, but everything seemed fine. There was a smell of cinnamon in the air.

"Ah, you're back. Just in time." Ianto greeted them with a friendly smile. "I'm making cappuccinos. Do you prefer hazelnut or regular? Also, with or without whipped cream?"

"Regular?" Tosh ventured uncertainly.

"With." Added Gwen.

"Good choice." Ianto got busy while the three filed in carrying the box of alien stuff from Splott with them.

"Ah, Owen, I installed for you the... diagnostic software you were asking about."

****************

The next hour or so was spent filing reports, archiving the stuff from Splott. Jack informed them that it was cutlery - utterly useless unless you were to eat Bronakian shellfish.

"Kids, go home. It's been a long week. Enjoy the last night of the year, and stay home tomorrow. I'll mind the Rift." Jack didn't have to say it twice. Tosh and Gwen were gone in a minute.

Owen made show of locking up the medical cabinets till Ianto took off to feed the Weevils.

"Jack." Owen spoke up. "Why don't you take Mr. Crankypants home? I can watch the Rift tonight and tomorrow."

"Owen..."

"No, listen, what am I gonna do? Go out, get drunk, and find somebody to shag? I'm dead, remember? The last thing I need is to be reminded of it. Anyway, I want to run some tests, and it'll be much easier without all of you underfoot. I'll call you if anything big comes through."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, take him home before he snaps and puts rat poison in our coffee. Shag him senseless and make him sleep at least ten hours straight. Doctor's orders."

****************

Finally alone, Owen booted up his computer. It was time to see if Ianto was true to his word. Normally, this is when he would have cracked his knuckles, but in his present state, the less cracking he did, the better. He grinned as the intro movie started to play. Oh yeah, Call of Duty 4, meet Doctor Owen Harper.



Fin.