Title: No One Was Supposed To Get Hurt
By: bittersweet
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: gen
Summary: I continue the general wrist-slashing mood and existential agonising (I've been having a shitty week - can you tell?) with this fic from the episode "Cyberwoman". I gave up trying to avoid going OTT and just went for it. If you don't like angst, sorry.
Disclaimer: Until the day (and it will come, oh yes, it will...) that I go on a killing spree in the BBC and claim all Torchwood for my own... they are free.

***

He had only ever done it for love.

"I'll hide the body. Everything is going to be ok."

He had to keep her safe. He had never felt worth anything before she came. She had been the golden girl of Torchwood One, and she had wanted him. It had been like a dream, an unbelievable dream, too perfect to last. He loved her. He had always known he would be willing to sacrifice everything for her, but he had never thought that the time would come where he had to do it. Now everything was falling apart.

He looked down and saw the blood on his shirt, on his hands.

Oh god, oh god… He was dragging a body down a corridor, protecting a murderer, helping a killer. It was his fault. He killed this man. How could he have been so stupid?

Then he heard the scream. Then he ran back, and saw Gwen.

No, oh no, no… a chant of denial running through his head. He couldn't let her get hurt. No one else was going to get hurt, no matter what it cost him. Voices ran through his brain, blending together, Jack and Tosh, Gwen screaming. He threw himself at the controls, frantically twisting every switch in sight. No, no, no… he heard Tosh yell in triumph, and everything went black. The machine stopped.

"Stand guard by the door."

There was no pity in that voice. Jack knew.

"I'm sorry…I'm really sorry…"

He followed them numbly. Gwen was talking, asking questions at an impossible rate, Jack replying almost as fast. They fell silent, and he wondered why, then he saw her. Lisa. She looked him straight in the eye. He wanted to run to her, shake her, and beg her to explain. But he didn't. He just watched her walk away.

"She's gone."

Next thing he knew there was a gun pressed against his head, and the relief was overwhelming. It was over.

"Move!"

He didn't resist. He couldn't get the image of Gwen, lying in the conversion unit trapped and terrified, out of his mind. He didn't hear her protest as Jack led him out onto the main floor, didn't notice the shock and disbelief from Owen and Tosh.

"Jack, what are you doing?"

"Resisting the urge to shoot… Tosh, get everything from the weapons room, fast as you can!"

"We're locked down – there's no manual override."

"Just open the store! You…on your knees. Hands behind your head."

He obeyed without a word. There was nothing to say. It was meaningless to try and tell them that he had never believed anyone would get hurt. It was foolish to want them to understand. He knew this, and yet all he wanted to do was say he was sorry.

"Jack, for Gods sake what are you doing?"

"Tosh! I gave you an order! Gwen, help her…" - Now he turned to Ianto – "Did you know that thing was down there?"

A sudden surge of anger, and thoughts danced through his mind - Don't be so stupid, Jack. Don't pretend not to understand. I did this, but you let me do it – and he replied steadily, refusing to let his voice shake.

"I put her there."

Jack moved suddenly, savagely forcing the gun down, forcing Ianto to bow his head. Ianto didn't struggle. He just wanted it to finish.

"You hid a cyberman inside Torchwood and you didn't tell us? What else are you keeping from us?"

"Like you'd care. I clean up your shit, and that's the way you like it: no questions asked. When's the last time you asked me about my life?"

Silence.

"Her name is Lisa. She's my girlfriend."

"Why didn't you tell us? We could have helped you."

Gwen, of course. How little she knew.

"Torchwood exists to destroy alien threats. Why would I tell you about her?"

"A bit of loyalty, perhaps…"

"My loyalty is to her!"

He had to explain. They had to realise there was still a chance- she was still there, still human, still alive. He tried to tell them about Torchwood, about how he had pulled her out of the fire. He tried to make them understand, but Jack was immovable. Finally, he took one last chance.

"I love her. Can you understand that, Jack? Haven't you ever loved anyone?"

It didn't work.

As Ianto knelt, weeping and shaking over Lisa's body, Jack Harkness watched. As the others slowly went home, exchanging anxious glances and avoiding looking at the dead cyberwoman, Jack Harkness watched. As Ianto's body stilled, his breathing still ragged and his eyes unseeing, Jack Harkness stood on the balcony and watched. It was finished.

He was angry. He was more than angry. He had trusted this man, taken him in, and this is how he was repaid? He had lied to them. Ianto had risked the lives of not only everyone in Torchwood, but everyone on the goddamned planet! This was how genocide began, these creatures spreading like a plague from world to world, because one man was too selfish to see the danger… because one fool was blinded by his emotions. The consequences were astronomic, far-reaching and catastrophic. It was an unforgivable treachery.

And yet, the fact was that he had never meant for anyone to get hurt, and he was so very young and confused. Worse, he was in love. To Jack they were all children, but Ianto was the youngest… how old was he, 23 or 24? Far too young to be doing this job, really. Far too young to have had to live through Canary Wharf. Why, then, was Jack so very angry, so unable to feel any pity or forgiveness? Jack knew he had overreacted. Gwen had been right. To threaten Ianto, put a gun in his face and order him to execute his love or die, it was cruel and far from necessary. But he couldn't help it. This betrayal was personal.

Though Ianto had never actively encouraged Jack's attentions, he had never really indicated that they were unwanted. Glances, brief touches – the young Welshman had always remained just beyond reach, demurely distant. This had driven Jack mad. He had not thought that anyone could have walked away like Ianto had, that night when they caught Myfanwy, let alone a welsh office boy barely out of his teens. He had been rejected, and that had been fascinating. So he had played right into his hands, chasing him, hiring him, giving him what he wanted.

Yes, now he realised Ianto had known what he was doing. He must have. Ianto had used him, used him to get into Torchwood again, used him to keep his hybrid mutilated girlfriend alive. This wasn't right. This couldn't be right! Jack Harkness was never used. He did the using.

How could Ianto do this? How could he be rejected… for that? Not even human anymore. Not really technically alive. 'She's my girlfriend' he had said… 'is', not 'was'. He loved her still. How could she have earned that loyalty, that willingness to do anything for her?

He wanted that loyalty so badly…

Jack felt sick at the realisation that it was jealousy rather than anything else that was causing him to hurt and punish Ianto. It was jealousy that had pulled the trigger on Lisa.

Oh, god. He was the monster.

Jack stumbled down the stairs. Ianto was still there… motionless, his face blank as if he was hurt so much that there was nothing that could touch him anymore. Jack went to him, no idea what he was going to do or say, just knowing he had to confront him. Looking at Lisa he felt his anger rising, but he reined it back and grabbed Ianto by the shoulder, pulling him to his feet. The two stared at each other for a long moment, their eyes mirroring pain, guilt, loss and hatred.

It was Ianto who broke the silence, his voice completely devoid of any feeling.

"Hit me."

"What?"

"Hit me. Fire me. Arrest me. Shoot me. Do whatever the hell you want, Jack. I don't care. Just get it over with."

"I'm not going to shoot you. Don't be an idiot."

"Why not. Fuck it, Jack. Innocent people died – three people died because of me! I risked everyone's lives. I betrayed you. Now I'm telling you to avenge yourself."

"You were emotionally unstable. Torchwood can make allowances for actions committed when an individual is of unsound mind -"

"No! That's the thing, Jack! I didn't just go crazy. I would do it again. I'm so sorry, so sorry for what happened…"

Here Ianto's voice broke, the apology desperate and hurried.

"…but I'm not sorry for loving her. If I had the chance I would do it again. Differently, but I would still do it. So you better get rid of me, Captain Jack Harkness. I'm a danger to your precious Torchwood. Remember what I said to you? That I would watch you die in pain? You have no reason to show me mercy. You hate me. I see it. You think I don't hate you? You killed her, Jack! So just…JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME!"

The last few words were howled, all Ianto's fury towards Jack combining with the hurt and the grief and the self-hatred. All of it vocalised in a moment, and then he fell. His legs crumpled like they were made of cotton, and he tumbled to his hands and knees.

Jack was kneeling down and his arms were holding the fallen Ianto before his brain realised what they were up to. He crushed the young man to him, trying and failing to stop the shaking. Then he forced his head up, roughly, until their eyes met. And still, he couldn't say what he wanted to say. Instead, as usual, he gave orders.

"Go home. Clean yourself up. Wait a few days. I'll expect you back next Monday."

Ianto just stared, blankly confused and infinitely weary. Too young, too much pain, too much…Jack pulled away, forcing his expression to harden so the younger man couldn't see his heart was breaking. Not that Ianto would notice anything in the state he was in. Jack tried very hard not to consider what he might do left on his own. He couldn't afford to do that.

"You are going to earn forgiveness, Ianto Jones. Don't even consider anything else."

Jack Harkness got up and walked away without waiting for a reply.

***