Title: Gone With the Wind
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, letter100
Prompt: 42, Wind
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

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Dear Jack,

Even after all this time, it's still hard for me to believe that you're back with me, and not in Cardiff leading the Torchwood team. There's still a part of me that finds it hard to believe that you made the decision to be with me, rather than leaving me in your past.

You were gone for such a long time that I never thought there was a chance of us being back together again. Well, there was always a part of me that hoped you would come back, but to be perfectly honest, I never expected it. I thought that you would stay out of my life.

Maybe there's still a part of me that's finding it hard to trust you completely -- after all, you did put me through hell the first time that we were together, before you made that fateful decision to walk away from me for a while. And again, honestly -- that still hurts.

I don't want to keep going back over that again and again -- it's ancient history, ground that we've already covered, and I don't want you to feel that I still resent you for it. I think that I've long since managed to get past that resentment, if not the hurt that caused it.

I do love you, Jack. You must know that, even though there might be times when I seem to pull away from you because I still have some trust issues. I don't mean to hurt you when I do that -- and really, I am struggling to put those issues behind me.

It's more easily said than done, but I'm working at it. And I think that I succeed a little more every day; at least, I hope that I do. I don't particularly like to think about that time; it was one of the lowest points of my entire life, and you know that's saying quite a lot, coming from me.

Yes, even thinking about all the time that I was without you is still painful for me. There are times when I want to ask if you feel the same, but I always lose my nerve. I don't dare bring up the subject, because I'm afraid that I might not want to hear what you could say.

All of the time that you were gone, I couldn't help feeling more than a little resentful of the people and the responsibilities you felt were more important than our relationship. Though now, I do feel a bit sorry for them -- after all, they lost you in the end.

Do they feel the same way I did? Do they regret that you seem to be gone with the wind, that they'll never have you back as their team leader? I can't help but wonder if they feel as lost as I did when you left -- and I also can't help but be sure that they do.

It's a strange feeling, to know that the person you need most is gone with the wind, and that they might never come back to you. I don't believe that I ever quite got used to it; I'm only glad that you made the decision to come back, or that emptiness would never have gone away.

Yes, I did feel empty when you were gone, Jack. It was as though there was a hole in the centre of my being; I tried my best to fill that empty space where you had been with other people, but none of them could ever be you. I was a fool to believe they could be.

No one could have ever taken your place. I found that out very quickly, and it didn't take long for me to stop trying to find anyone to assuage that emptiness. When the love of your life leaves, thinking that any other person can take their place is simply foolish.

What would I have done if you hadn't come back? I have no idea. I would probably have kept on just as I was, but I would never have been the same man that I was before you left. Loving you changed me, in ways that I can't begin to describe.

I hope you don't ever leave me again, Jack. I don't think I could cope with feeling that emptiness again. If you were to decide, for any reason, that this isn't working out and that you couldn't stay with me, I think I'd fall apart if I had go to through that a second time.

Of course, if you really did feel that way, I wouldn't try to force you to stay with me. I wouldn't hold you here out of guilt, or some twisted sense of responsibility towards me. I love you enough to want you to be happy -- even if you can't be happy here with me.

If the winds of fate blow you away from me again, there's no going back for a third time. I know that the popular saying is "third time lucky," but I can't go through those emotions for a second time, Jack. Once was more than enough. I don't want to feel that way again.

I only hope that this time, you'll stay with me for good. I'd like to think that you will, but there's still a part of me that's terrified of losing you -- because I know it would only hurt more this time, after having you by my side for so long and letting myself believe that you'll always be there.

All I can say is that I don't want you to leave again. It's ultimately your choice, if it should come to that. I can only hope that it won't, and that you and I will have a long and happy life ahead of us. I'm trying my best to believe that will happen, and to push my fears aside.

Now that you're here with me, I shouldn't be afraid of losing you again. But I am. Try to bear with me while I struggle to overcome that fear, Jack. I know that it might be frustrating at times, but I hope that I'll get past it. And I hope that when I do, you and I will be stronger than ever.

Always your

Doctor

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