Title: Hard To Explain
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3
Prompt: 44, Runaway
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Ianto looked up from his computer, his brow creasing in a frown. The Doctor was in the same room with him, his lean, lanky frame curled into one of the large plush chairs near the window -- but the Time Lord might as well have been on another planet, for all the companionship they shared at the moment. Ianto had rarely felt so far away from the man he loved, and he couldn't quite fathom why this distance still existed between them.

It wasn't merely because they hadn't had sex in the time that the Doctor had been back with him -- no, the sex wasn't the important matter here, Ianto told himself, swinging around in the chair and contemplating the Time Lord. The Doctor had a book in his lap, but Ianto couldn't help feeling that it wasn't holding the Doctor's interest in the slightest.

His frown deepened as his thoughts went back over the past few days. He and the Doctor had been closer to each other for the past days than they had when he, Jack and Owen had first brought the Time Lord back from wherever the Master had held him captive, but they were still a long way from sharing the easy camaraderie that they had before. They were still feeling their way along, cautiously, afraid of what they might find along the way.

Ianto didn't want them to be like this; there was still an emptiness in his life, a feeling that he might not retrieve everything that he thought he'd lost when the Doctor had left. Yes, the Doctor was here with him, but their closeness had eroded, and Ianto felt that he was coming up against a brick wall when he tried to get closer to the Doctor.

Not just in a physical way, he told himself, running a hand through his hair in frustration. The Doctor seemed to be keeping him at arm's length in an emotional sense, even after all the talking they'd done about their situation. It was probably because of his own feelings of inadequacy -- which Ianto should be reassuring him weren't an issue.

Bollocks to this. Ianto rose to his feet, striding to the chair where the Doctor was sitting. The Time Lord looked up at him, a startled expression on his face. His eyes widened when Ianto bent to pick him up, scooping the tall, thin man into his arms and carrying him to the couch. He sat down, exhaling with a slight whoof of air. He'd made up his mind to talk to his lover, get everything out in the open. And this time, he wasn't backing down.

Whatever was causing this awkwardness between him and the Doctor was going to end. Now. He wrapped his arms around the Doctor's waist, not letting the other man go even when the Time Lord tried to wriggle away and sit down beside him. No, he wanted the Doctor in his lap. In his arms. He wanted to hold the other man as they talked, to keep in close physical contact.

"Ianto, what in the world ...." The Doctor looked shocked, squirming in Ianto's grasp. "For pity's sake, let me sit down!"

"You're already sitting down," Ianto pointed out, tightening his arms around the Time Lord's slender waist. "You don't need to sit on the couch. You need to be here, right where you are. Besides ...." He tugged the other man down, his lips brushing against the Doctor's cheek. "-- I like having you in my lap. I like holding you."

"I like being held," the Doctor said softly, slipping his own arms around Ianto's shoulders and leaning against his lover. "Now, what's brought this on?" he inquired, settling himself more comfortably in Ianto's arms and resting his head on the younger man's shoulder. "Is something bothering you?"

Now that the Doctor had questioned him, Ianto didn't quite know what to say. He fidgeted a bit, wondering just how to put his fears and uneasiness into words. He didn't want the Doctor to take anything he said the wrong way; he'd already had firsthand experience with what that was like, and he didn't want to take a chance on his lover running from his again.

Finally, he managed to collect his thoughts enough to speak. "I .... I suppose it's this damned awkwardness between us more than anything else," he sighed, wishing there was some other way to put it, words that would sound less damning, less accusatory. "It's not your fault, love. I'm just .... still trying to understand it all, I suppose."

The Doctor sighed, silent for a few moments. When he spoke, his words were slow and careful, coming out hesitantly. "What do you need to know, Ianto? Exactly why I felt the need to run away from you? I can only give you my motivations behind what I did. I don't for the life of me understand quite why I chose to put myself in the position I ended up in. I suppose I can put it down to some sort of self-destructive tendency."

"I'm glad you didn't follow through on that tendency any more than you did," Ianto murmured, trying to keep back a shudder as he let his hands move up the Doctor's sides to pull the other man closer against his body. "If you had ...." He let his voice trail off, not wanting to remember how they'd found the Doctor.

"Don't worry, love," the Time Lord whispered, closing his eyes and relaxing into Ianto's embrace. "I won't do anything like that again. Well, I hope I won't," he amended, sighing. "I can't make any promises about that -- but I'll try my best to keep that side of myself from cropping up again and taking over."

"I hope I can help you with that," Ianto said, feeling frustration well up in him. How could he help the Doctor get past something like that, when he didn't know what caused it? He felt as though he was completely in the dark, floundering along and just waiting to stumble and fall -- and not be able to get up again. "I wish I understood what it is that draws you to that kind of darkness."

"I wish I understood it myself." The Doctor sighed again, shaking his head and pulling back slightly to look squarely at Ianto. "There's something in me that needs that darkness, Ianto. I don't know why, but I expect there's some sort of twisted need in my psyche that draws me to him -- to what he does to me."

"That doesn't sound like the man I know," Ianto said, frowning again. "You've never wanted me to hurt you."

"I can't explain it, Ianto." The Doctor sounded tired, defeated. "I don't have the words. But the need for what he does is there, hidden somewhere inside me. I don't know just when it's going to surface -- but fortunately, I've been able to control it, for the most part. Giving myself to him was an act of desperation. I didn't feel as though I had any choice."

Ianto felt more confused than he had been when they'd first started this conversation -- when all he'd wanted to do was get some sort of explanation for why the Doctor had felt compelled to go to the Master. He was no clearer about the Time Lord's motives than he'd been before -- in fact, he felt as though he knew the Doctor less well now.

It wasn't a feeling he wanted to continue. It seemed that everything around them was conspiring to push him further away from the man he loved, and he wasn't going to let that happen. He'd just have to puzzle over the Doctor's words, work them out in his own mind as best he could, and keep trying to understand just what made this strange, enigmatic man tick.

"I know it's confusing, love." The Doctor placed a hand on his cheek, turning Ianto's face to his own. Ianto's eyes met the Time Lord's, and he couldn't help but feel ashamed of himself when he saw the look of trepidation in those dark depths. "I don't know how to explain things any more than I already have. Please try to understand. It's a weakness, almost like a disease. And hopefully, I won't feel the need to give in to it again."

"I should be able to understand," Ianto burst out, wishing that he could somehow reach into the Doctor's mind and find exactly what he needed. "That's my weakness, Doctor. That I don't know how to deal with feeling that you're drawn to another man, that someday you may feel that you need him more than you need me."

"But I don't feel drawn to him, Ianto." The Doctor sounded as frustrated as Ianto felt; the young man felt a wave of guilt wash through him at the tone of the Time Lord's voice. "I'm not attracted to him in any way. I hate him. I loathe him. I've never had any sort of emotion towards him but hate and fear. But yet .... I'm drawn to the physical sensations he can give me, possibly because no one else has ever done those sorts of things to me."

Ianto nodded slowly, trying his best to understand. He didn't, not really; but maybe someday he would, and until he did, he could help the Doctor to push away the need to turn to the Master. As long as he was here for the Time Lord, as long as he could give the Doctor the emotional support and love that he needed, maybe he wouldn't feel the need to push that love away and try to replace with something that was so much less.

"I just hope you don't feel the need to run away from me again," he murmured, finally voicing the fear that loomed largest in his heart. "I don't think I could forgive myself if I sent you away again, and you chose to try to expose yourself to being hurt. Once is more than enough for something like that."

"Running away again isn't an option," the Doctor told him, sighing and shaking his head. "I believe that I've learned my lesson about that. When I was there, in that horrible place, I came to the conclusion that I'd made the worst mistake of all my lives, and all I could think of was how you wouldn't be able to understand why I'd done it. Even after going over it again and again in my mind, I don't think I quite understand my exact motivation for it."

"Don't dwell on it," Ianto told him, stroking a hand down the Time Lord's back in an effort to soothe whatever agitation he might be feeling. "It's in the past, and even though I don't fully understand just what drove you to something that desperate, I'm going to do my best to make sure you never have to feel that way again."

"I realise that this isn't easy for you to comprehend, Ianto, and I don't blame you," the Doctor said softly, raising his head to look at his lover again, worry etched onto his expressive features. "I don't think anyone who hasn't felt that need themselves could begin to comprehend how strong it can be. But I can resist it, love. With your help."

"I'll do anything I have to do to help you," Ianto replied, raising his hand to stroke the Time Lord's hair. "I may not understand exactly what you're dealing with, and why it's such a strong temptation for you, but .... I can help you fight it. And I intend to." He hugged the Doctor against him, closing his eyes and burying his face in the other man's chest. "I'm not going to let that monster have you without a fight."

"He'll never have me, Ianto," the Doctor whispered, his small hands holding tightly onto Ianto's shoulders, as if he was holding on for dear life. "He doesn't seem to realise that you give me something he never could -- and that is what I'll always treasure, far above anything he could possibly offer me."

"What is that?" Ianto queried, thinking that he already knew the answer, but wanting to hear the Time Lord say it.

"Love," the Doctor breathed, his dark gaze locking on Ianto's and not dropping. "He's never loved me, Ianto, not in all the years he's tried to possess me. That's what it's all about with him -- possession, somehow owning me. It's nothing to do with love, it can't touch us. He wouldn't know the meaning of the word, much less how to feel it."

"That's something you'll always have from me in abundance," Ianto said softly, pulling the Doctor's face down to his and pressing his lips against the softness of the Gallifreyan's mouth. It didn't matter what was in the past; the Doctor was here with him now, and he wasn't going to flee to the Master again. Ianto was sure of that much.

"And something that I'll never forget I have with you," the Doctor answered, settling against Ianto's chest with another sigh, this time one of contentment. He didn't speak again; the two of them merely sat there, entwined together, basking in each other's warmth and nearness.

He held the Doctor close against him, closing his eyes and breathing in the slightly tangy scent of the other man's skin. Whatever the future might hold for them, he'd walk into that future unafraid, knowing that he had the Doctor by his side. It might not be an easy future -- but Ianto was sure that together, they would be able to face anything that might be in store.

***