Title: Right Here in My Arms
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 3
Prompt: 43, Enthralled
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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My dearest Doctor,

I hardly know how to start one of these letters. I don't know if you'll ever see them, and I still obsess over how everything I put onto paper will sound to you. I worry if you'll find them stilted, schoolboyish, if you'll feel that I should be past the point of sounding like a lovesick child when I write to you.

The truth is, I don't think I'll ever stop sounding that way -- because I'll never feel any differently about you. Every time I look at you, my heart will still stop for a few moments, and you'll still take my breath away. That will never change, no matter how long we're together.

You've enthralled me from the first moment I set eyes on you. When I met you that day in Jack's office at the Hub, I couldn't tear my eyes away from you. And all I could feel was this deep, dark jealousy of Jack, because I was so sure that you still loved him and that he would be the one to have you.

That's why I started leaving you those flowers and notes in the Tardis. I'm surprised that she didn't somehow manage to let you know who was doing that -- but maybe she's a romantic who relished the surprise you would get when you found out who was doing it. I doubt we'll ever be able to say for sure.

What was it that drew me to you? I can't say for sure, but I think it was a combination of .... well, everything. Your face, your body, your smile, the aura that radiated from you. And when your eyes met mine, I knew there was someone behind them who I wanted to immerse myself in for the rest of my life.

I can still remember the exact feeling that I had when our hands touched. It was as if I'd been paralysed, as though an electric shock had gone through me and rendered me immobile. I didn't think I'd be able to move after that, or even speak. It was a great effort for me to appear "normal" for the rest of that day.

But I think I managed to do it, and not give the rest of the Torchwood team any indication that I'd just met the man who I wanted to give my heart to. It was so hard for me to keep how I felt hidden, especially from Jack. And I'm ashamed to say that I had a hard time keeping up my friendship with him after that.

Of course, you know how all that has worked out. Jack is in the past for both of us, and even though he's still a friend, we've each found the person we were destined for. I never would have thought, even as strong as the attraction was when we first met, that I would be lucky enough to have you.

I still feel that wash of disbelief every time I look at you. There are nights when you're here with me that I'll wake in the dead of night and just lie next to you, watching you sleep. I can never get enough of that, knowing that you're there beside me, safe and within reach of my arms and my love.

I know that you aren't out of my reach now, beloved. You may be out there wandering the universe, but I've grown as a person a great deal during the time I've been with you -- especially after we came so close to losing each other. I'll never doubt your feelings for me again, and I'll never again worry about you leaving for good.

If only I had come to that conclusion sooner, we could have avoided so much heartache on both sides. But perhaps that was something we had to work through, something that we were destined to grapple with. I wish you hadn't had to go through so much pain, but at least that's behind you now.

And I'll never let that happen again. I've had my own run-ins with the Master, as you very well know, but I'll never be able to have anything but hatred for him after seeing what he did to you before Jack, Owen and I managed to bring you home safely. There isn't room in my heart for that kind of forgiveness.

I don't know if I'll ever understand just why you feel that you have to extend a hand to him -- I'll never feel that he deserves it, even though he is one of your own kind. I suppose one of my reasons for that is because deep down, a part of me will always fear that you feel you should be with him.

Not because you love him, or because you particularly want to be with him. And certainly not because you want him in a physical way. But because he's another Time Lord, the only one in all of the universe who can understand who you are. Try as I might, I'll never be able to share that with you.

I can understand why you might feel that you need what he does to you, but I hope that you'll eventually be able to get past that. I couldn't hurt you the way he does, Doctor. I've thought long and hard about it, and I know that I can't bring myself to be that cruel to you, even if it's something you want.

Please, don't ever ask that of me. I couldn't bear it, and I couldn't bear to see the disappointed look on your face when I say no. But I also couldn't bear to hurt you, no matter what the circumstances. I've been in that position before, with him calling the shots, and I still hate myself for that.

I know that you've found forgiveness in your heart for what I was forced to do to you. I wish that I could find that same kind of forgiveness for myself, but if I ever do, it will be a long time in coming. And I can honestly, beyond a shadow of a doubt, say that I will never find that forgiveness for him.

I'm only glad that I can keep you with me most of the time, and that I have those hours when you're asleep to look at you, to keep watch over you and know that for at least those brief hours, you're safe. No one can harm you, and no one can take you away from me. It's happened once, and I'll never let it happen again.

Even when you're out there in the stars, traveling through time and space, and I have no idea if you're even sharing the same time with me, I can feel your presence. I don't know why I didn't realise that before, when we had the falling out that led you to go to him. I should have, and it's yet another failing that I have to forgive myself for.

I hope that I'll be able to do that. I know that you have, but I don't have your innate goodness, your purity of soul. I'm only human, Doctor, no matter how hard I may try to rise above that. You really deserve better than me; you didn't need to tie yourself to a mere mortal. But I'm everlastingly grateful that you have.

I'll never know just what drew us together, what made you choose me. Maybe it was some kind of chemistry that bound us together, or maybe it was just a caprice of fate. But whatever it was, I'll never let that bond between us fray again. You mean too much to me for that to ever happen again.

No matter how long we're together, I'll always feel that same thrill clutching my heart when I look at you, that spark of electricity between the two of us when our eyes meet. And my heart will always turn over in my chest whenever you smile at me. I'll always be just as enthralled by you as I was with that first glance.

And I'll always love you. Don't ever doubt that, my dearest, no matter how far away from me you might be. I'll always be waiting here for you to return, with my heart and my arms wide open to you. I hope it won't be long before you're back in them again, where you belong.

Your

Ianto

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