Title: Hiraeth
By: Euphrosyne
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG NO SEX IN HERE, PLEASE KEEP WALKING
Feedback: euphrosyne2u@yahoo.com
Summary: Hiraeth is a Welsh word that has no direct English translation; an approximation would be the longing, or yearning for home.

He will always remember him most clearly in the fall.

The rest of the year the feeling is muted, isolated and lurking just under the surface to spring forth at the first nip in the air or when the sky turns that particular shade of October blue. Then the feelings return; the ache and longing that strikes him like a hammer blow.

Hiraeth is the Welsh word for it.

Homesickness is what most people call it, but for him the home is not a place but a person.

Hiraeth

He learned the language many, many years ago. But every time he used it the native speakers made fun of his accent and he was never one who liked to be the butt of a joke, unless the joke was risqué of course. So, to prevent further ego damage he stopped using the language, pretending not to understand and requiring a translator to keep his dignity intact and his little secret.

Gwen and Ianto frequently would use smatterings of Welsh in their personal conversations and it always made him smile. They knew Tosh and Owen had no idea what they were talking about and figured neither did Jack.

Hiraeth

 

He knew the meaning…lived it every day. Hiraeth for people long gone…Hiraeth for his future losses.

He hated when his thoughts turned inward, it was suffocating. Shallow and careless were his defense mechanism, his façade and it usually worked. It worked with most of the people he came in contact with anyway. He would drop his curtain of self obsession and it would deflect people from wanting to know him better, wanting to get into his head. Most people, most of the time.

There were some who saw right through; these were the ones that hurt; hurt him and hurt themselves. They found the chink in his armor, and bored themselves a hole into his head… and heart.

They were the ones that he came to love and in that they were the ones who reinforced his defense mechanism to the point where his arrogance was sometimes even offensive to himself.

Hiraeth

He ached for them; his loves, his lives, and his deaths. Every single time he lost one it hardened him even further. He hadn’t felt like this since…since Enan… and he was a very long time ago.

Hiraeth

The fall always brought back memories of Enan and he ached with emptiness. They had met in the fall, Enan had been riding in the wood and Jack had nearly been trampled as the green horse shied away from a log pile. The diverting horse’s hoof had clipped him and knocked him to the ground. Enan had been in a panic, leaping from the distressed animal and running to Jack’s side to assess the damages. Jack’s coat had been ruined in the mud and his arm broken when he fell.

Ever the gentleman, Enan had taken Jack home and seen to his injury. His wealthy, noble parents were ever apologetic over their wayward son’s newest, callous act. They had dutifully installed him in one of the manor’s bedrooms and sent for a physician, all against Jack’s express wishes but then this was a more genteel time, when honor was prized above everything but Queen and country. They had enquired after Jack’s family to notify them and Jack had assured them he had none. Then he advised them that he was an agent of the Crown who had been working in America and only just returned to Wales. Once they found he’d not as yet secured a place to live, they decided that of course he would reside with them…at the very least until his arm healed. So it began.

Hiraeth

For more than 2 months Enan was his constant companion. He oversaw Jack’s every need and then one evening while they sat in front of the fire sharing a brandy it changed into something much more. Jack had never taken advantage of the young man, he had grown to care for him too much to do that but Enan had taken the first step. He’d gotten up from his armchair and crossed the room then leaned down and taken Jack’s mouth in one of the most heart melting kisses Jack had ever known. Jack had responded in kind and they finally made their way back to Jack’s rooms and explored each other thoroughly.

In the morning, as Jack watched Enan sleep he packed his bag. He doubted the young man would ever want to see him again and he gathered the few belongings he had brought with him, donned the greatcoat he had been gifted when his was ruined and left the house before Enan had awakened. He was not ready to go back to the ‘institute’ not ready for the derision and resentment that awaited him there. He sat in the park near the Gorsedd Circle and considered his predicament.

He was waiting for the Doctor and knew he would be waiting a long time. The little girl that had read his cards had told him the century would turn twice before he found him again. He cared about the Doctor and Rose, he truly had, perhaps even loved them. But he would not see them again for a long time, at least he would not see the Doctor, he could not be sure about seeing Rose again…that was the way of time. He had always been a person who needed physicality, he found reassurance in touch. How could he expect to survive until then without it? It was bloody unlikely he’d get any gratification from working for the Institute, they didn’t even consider him human.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you, are you alright?” The Welsh vowels were always musical to him. He looked up to see the young man framed in blinding sunlight and blinked away tears.

“Why did you leave, cariad? Are you alright? I’ve been searching for you for hours.”

Hiraeth

“I’m fine, Enan. I just thought it best for you I go before things became too…complicated.”

There was a long pause before the young man spoke again.

“Enan? Jack are you alright? It’s me, Ianto…who is Enan?” Ianto knelt in front of him and took one hand in his, giving it what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze.

“Sorry… I’m fine, Ianto…just thinking.” He shook his head to clear the cobwebs of memory.

“Thinking? You look more melancholy than you do when you are just ‘thinking’ Jack. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I’m fine, Ianto, really.”

Ianto kept his hand and moved onto the bench next to him, shifting sideways to watch his face.

“Jack, you frightened me… I thought I’d done something wrong.”

Jack turned slightly and lifted his other hand stroking a single finger down Ianto’s cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Ianto, you could never… it’s just me. I took advantage of you, of our…relationship and I’m so sorry.”

“Took advantage? Jack, if you’ll recall I believe I made the first move on you.”

“I’m sorry, I should never have led you on, Ianto. You can do so much better than me.”

“Not in my opinion, I think you’re pretty much top of the line, Captain. I’m unlikely to be so lucky again.”

“You’re so wrong, Ianto. All I can ever do is bring you heartache and death.”

Now Ianto was really worried. Jack had been acting strangely the past few weeks seemingly preoccupied with the turn of the seasons; but now he was more distracted than Ianto had ever seen him.

“Jack, what’s going on? Why did you leave?”

Jack looked up as if realizing for the first time that Ianto was with him.

“How… how did you find me?”

“You told me once that when you forget what you’re fighting for you find someplace high and look around you at the city and the people living their lives but if you REALLY need to think you ‘talk to the stones’. I just assumed you’d go to something that had been around for as long as you, and the Gorsedd stones in Bute Park weren’t placed until 1978.”

“Actually, I still got here first…” Jack waved at the stone circle surrounding them “…the Eisteddfod didn’t take place here in Cathays until 1899.”

Ianto’s eyebrows rose in surprise and Jack smirked.

“Ianto, did you REALLY think I could live here for 144 years and NOT know a little something about this city?...”

“Well, that wasn’t what surprised me…”

“…OR the language?” Jack interjected before he finished his sentence.

“That did surprise me, I’ll have to admit. I’ve never heard you use any Welsh words before.”

Jack shrugged “Yeah, well forget about it I have an awful accent…”

“Who says?”

“People…Welsh people.”

“Which Welsh people?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, I’d like to make that call myself, Jack.”

“No… I won’t be humiliated like that ever again.”

“Humiliated? Jack, who made fun of your accent?”

“Someone special a long time ago.”

“So because someone a long time ago made fun of your accent you won’t even speak to me in Welsh? That’s surprisingly selfish of you, Jack.”

“My Cymraeg is not good, Ianto…let’s just leave it at that.”

“No, I don’t think I will. So every time Gwen and I…”

“Talk about me in Cymraeg? Yes, I know what you’re saying.”

Ianto blushed at that thought. The last time he and Gwen had a conversation about Jack they had been interrupted by the man himself and lapsed into Cymraeg. The thought that Jack had actually understood what they were talking about had him cringing… and blushing. Gwen had insisted that he not allow Jack to have his way with him without demanding some kind of commitment. Ianto had insisted that Jack was not the type to commit to anyone. Gwen had advised Ianto against pursuing any further relationships saying that Jack would take advantage of him and break his heart that at he was too conceited to behave any other way. His challenge was to win Ianto and then that would be that, he’d deliberately break Ianto’s heart.

“Rwy’n dy garu di, Ianto.”
Ianto gasped at the sentiment, Jack thought he gasped at the pronunciation and turned away.

“I told you.”

Ianto’s face softened from surprised to a gentle smile.

“There was nothing wrong with that, cariad. Whoever told you was wrong, wait…when did they tell you that?”

“1899 at the Eisteddfod… that was…” Jack broke off, his sentence unfinished.

“Was that… Enan?”

Jack looked startled briefly then resigned.

“You are amazing.”

“Enan was wrong, Jack…your accent is fine, you just sound like you’re from the north that’s all…of course by now you’ve had over 100 years to work on it. But that was an unkind thing to say to someone.”

“I haven’t spoken the language since then.”

“Well, cariad, he obviously didn’t know what he was talking about.”

“Don’t you EVER talk about him, EVER…do you understand?”

“I’m sorry, Jack…you loved him, who was he?”

Jack sighed. “He was… special.”

“Jack, anyone YOU love is special… who was he?”

“He was the son of nobility, a relative of the Marquis of Bute himself.” Jack’s shoulders slumped as the memories returned.

“What happened?”

Jack gave a lopsided smile.

“I was walking back to the hub through the woods and his horse shied away from a log pile, reared and trampled me. I fell into a ditch and broke my arm, hurt like hell, I never knew bone was so white, all I could do was stare at it sticking out of my skin. He was in a panic, he’d never hurt anyone before and it scared the crap outta him. He’d been galloping on a bridle path; something that was frowned on and then broke from the established path to take a few jumps. That’s when he hit me.”

“A traffic accident then? I never thought about them happening before cars were invented.”

“Oh they did… all the time, but there was no A&E to go to then, you either walked away, died on the spot or died a few days later.”

“You did none of those.” Ianto commented.

“No, but he didn’t know that…then. He took me home and was so distressed his parents set me up in their home and provided me with a physician and Enan as a nurse. His mother said it was good for him to see the consequences of his actions for a change. He took care of me.”

“You fell in love.”

“Yes.”

“How long were you…together?”

“Until he died…in 1903.”
“What happened?”

“Diphtheria… his sister developed it and I could not convince him to go to the country. His mother and sister also died. His father was devastated.”

“As were you.”

“We were going to be together, he’d already told his parents. They were surprisingly accepting considering the era, we had made plans. Then his sister got sick, followed by his mother and then …” Jack was overtaken by emotion then and dropped his face into his hands, his breathing became uneven and Ianto knew he was crying.

“I am so sorry, Jack.”

Jack lifted his head, sniffled and wiped his eyes on his coat sleeve.

“It was a long time ago… lifetimes ago.”

“But it doesn’t hurt any less. Why now? Was it something I said or did?”

“No, Ianto…nothing. It’s just we met in the fall, he died in the fall, I don’t like the fall, I always have a hard time… Hiraeth.”

“What?”

“I said…”

“I know what you said, you just surprised me again. I haven’t heard that term since my tad died. They played the song at his funeral, my mam insisted.”

“So the fall is tough for me, sometimes…usually when I have the time to notice that it IS fall. That’s when it all comes rushing back…all the ghosts.”

“And the bad memories, too.”

“Ianto, even the good memories turn into bad…because after the good memories comes the memories of the loss…and they are the worst ones. Not the bad times, the times I’ve been hurt or died but the times of happiness, they hurt the most... cause they end, those people end, it all ends…and I live with the ghosts and try not to get hurt again. But I can’t NOT get close, I can’t NOT stop caring. I hate that, I always lose…it isn’t fair.”

“I’m sorry, Jack.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Ianto…it isn’t your fault.” Jack sighed “I suppose in a way what happened to Enan was a mercy to me…we didn’t have very long together and he was gone. It should hurt less, but it doesn’t.”

“Love is still love, Jack…it isn’t the years or getting used to someone, it’s the emotional investment that takes the toll on you. I think I can understand.”

“Can you really, Ianto? I know you lost Lisa; but imagine, just imagine that happening over and over again for your entire life. How long would it be before it got to you? How long would it be before it warped you?”
“You’re not warped, Jack, you’re human.”

“Are you sure?”

“You’re hurting and tired and more than a little emotionally rent but you are not warped…you still love…and that’s the thing that hurts you the most, your capacity to love is unending.”

“And every time, every single time I walk right into the hurt.”

“Because you can’t live in a vacuum, you need that contact.”

“No, I don’t.” Jack shook his head a few tears dripping from his chin as he moved.

“Yes you do…the physical and the emotional to remind you that you ARE human.”

“You’re making it worse you know?”

“How?”

“Because now in the fall I’ll remember this as well and it won’t be just mourning Enan anymore. I’ll remember this conversation and…”

“When I’m dead will you mourn for me like you do him?”

“Please, Ianto…don’t say it, don’t even THINK it.”

“But it will happen, Jack. You know it will happen. I want you to remember me…but not with sadness, Jack. We KNOW you have forever and I don’t…I want to make memories for you …WITH you…that will make you smile.”

“And then what? You will leave me, just like everyone does.”

“Will I be the first one?”
“No of course you won’t, you know that.”

“Yes I do, But am I the first who knows that you will live forever?”

“The first lover who has known? Yes.”

“Well, then let’s make memories to ease some of that…I want you to think of me, remember me, with a smile on your face. Come on, we should get back to my place to start working on them. It’s a long walk.”

“We could take a cab…or bus.”

“No, I don’t think Cardiff mass transit is ready for you on a bus yet. I know I’m not.”

“We could take the bendy-bus.”

“Nooooo, I don’t think that’s WHY they call it the bendy-bus, Jack.”

Jack shrugged. “I know, I just really like the concept.”

Ianto stood and held out his hand. “Come on, we can stop for coffee on the way.”

“Okay.”

“Will you tell me about him, about Enan? It might help to talk about him, bring back some of the good memories…”

“And dilute some of the sad ones?”

“Yes.”

Jack took Ianto’s hand and stood. He stepped in close and kissed Ianto and they started to walk back to Ianto’s place.

fin