Title: Hold On
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3
Prompt: 96, Second Chance
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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Dearest Ianto,

For once, I'm not writing a letter to you from somewhere far away, on the outskirts of the universe from you. No, I'm writing it here in our flat, at the desk that you usually sit at when you're typing away at your computer or writing something yourself. Being here, in the same place you're in when you've penned so many letters to me, makes me feel closer to you.

I shouldn't need to sit in your chair to feel that closeness, should I? I should feel that just by being in this flat, around the things that you touch every day. I should feel that closeness when you hold me at night, when you whisper in my ear and tell me how much you love me. And I do, really. But I have the tendency to grasp at any straw, any tangible physical contact that will make our bond even stronger.

I'm still a bit shy and awkward around you, after what's happened between us. I don't mean to be that way, but there is something in me that can't help holding myself back, worried that you have a harder time accepting me now that you know some of my weaknesses better than you did before. I still haven't learned to be completely non-self-conscious around you, as I was when we first met.

I hope that eventually I'll regain that nonchalance that I had the first time you touched me. I don't want to lose that; I don't want to feel that we have to rebuild our relationship from the ground up, as though we were meeting for the first time.

Perhaps the main reason for my hesitation is that I almost feel .... tainted. Yes, I'm trying to put that experience with the Master into the past, where you insist that it should stay. But I can't help feeling that you'll be disgusted at the thought of touching me, of making love to me, after hearing my admission of my own shortcomings.

Yes, I'm aware that I shouldn't feel that way. I know you don't see me as being anything less than what I've always been to you -- but I can't help viewing myself as being less than I was, Ianto. That may be hard for you to understand, but you've always been much more forgiving in that respect than I can manage to be. I can forgive others -- but not myself.

Perhaps I have such a hard time extending myself that forgiveness because I know how much what I've done has hurt and confused you. That was something I never wanted to do, and something that I didn't think of before I threw myself headlong into the fire. If I had stopped to think about the repercussions of what I was doing, I'm sure that I would have backed away from it, or at least stopped to reconsider my actions.

I wish I could say that coming back to you has been easy -- but it hasn't. I carry within me a guilt that I don't know if I can rid myself of; knowing that I've in some ways driven a wedge between us is something that I'll always curse myself for. Our relationship has changed, in so many indefinable ways, and it's mainly due to what I've done.

I've known that I belonged with you from the first time you kissed me -- I've never doubted my place in your life, nor yours in mine. But I feel that giving in to the kind of despair I let myself wallow in for a while has coloured our relationship to the point where we may never be the same again.

I don't want that to happen, Ianto. I know that we can't go back to being exactly what we were before -- but I hope we can take what we've had and turn it into something better, something stronger. I hope that we can be like the proverbial phoenix, rising from the ashes to become something more than what it originally was.

We've been given a second chance, and that's much more than what I have any right to expect. I wouldn't have been in the least surprised if you'd turned from me in disgust -- actually, that's what I expect to happen, which is why I seemed so distant when you first brought me back. I couldn't handle the thought of you turning away from me.

I'm sorry for that, dearest. I never wanted you to feel that I don't want to be with you -- when that's the furthest thing from the truth. The entire time I was in that place, I couldn't keep thoughts of you from my mind, even when I was at my lowest point. I always knew that this is where I belong .... with you and only you.

Second chances are rare, Ianto, and in my experience, nearly nonexistent. The two of us need to hold on to what we've been given with all our strength, and make the most of it. I doubt that we would be given a third, if we were foolish enough to let this one go.

I hope that we can move past this; I believe that we've already made a good beginning, and that we'll keep moving forward. I don't want to look back at this and discover that it's completely unravelled our relationship when it may be too late to reclaim what we've lost; if we let that happen, then we've truly lost the best thing that's ever happened to either of us.

I'm not going to let that happen to us, love. I'll hold onto you with all the strength I have, until there's nothing left of me. I know that you'll do the same. Together, we're more than the sum of our parts, Ianto. The bond that we've forged between us is something that can't be broken -- the fact that I'm here with you now is proof of that.

This second chance with you is all the sweeter because I know that it won't come again. I'm holding onto it with both hands -- and I never intend to let go.

Your

Beloved

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