Title: How Much I Feel
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 3
Prompt: 26, Feel
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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Dearest Ianto,

It's been a while since I've written you a letter, hasn't it? That's because you've been by my side every second that I've been in the Tardis, not only my lover, but my companion. But then, that's what a soul mate is, isn't it? Someone who'll be with their mate through everything, who'll remain faithful through every sort of adversity.

You've done that for me in the last few weeks, more than I could ever have imagined you would. I begin to realise now that I did you -- and myself -- a great disservice for always refusing to let you come along with me before we had our falling out.

I still feel badly about that, no matter how much you tell me that I shouldn't. Yes, you may have pushed me, but I shouldn't have let myself explode in the way that I did. And I definitely shouldn't have tried to run away from the situation.

Sometimes I have a .... rather childish way of dealing with things that I don't want to accept. I don't do it often, but when I do, I overreact. I'd never do that with any situation that involved people outside of myself -- but then, I believe we both know that I don't consider myself before others, at least most of the time.

I wish that I could do that. But I suppose it's not in my nature to do so -- I wouldn't say that I'm the most self-sacrificing man in the galaxy, but it's part of who I am to be able to realise that entire worlds full of people mean more than a single man, no matter how important others may happen to think I can be.

Still, when I do put my own feelings first, I go far overboard with them. Maybe it's because I don't often get a chance to give vent to those feelings. Or maybe it's just because I was so anxious to keep you from any harm that I put myself in a place that I shouldn't have been.

But that's how I feel about you, Ianto. Not only are you my lover, my soul mate, the man I want to spend all of this life with, but you're also my companion. Not just in the way that all my other companions have been -- but something deeper, more heartfelt. Something that I can't put a name to -- even the word "love" doesn't seem strong enough.

I've loved all of my companions, in my own way. There are different kinds of love; I'm sure you know that. I never loved any of them with the deep, enduring love I have for you -- that's something that only happens once in a lifetime, if that. But I've loved all of them as friends; even if I didn't "love" some of them, I at least cared for them deeply.

But the two of us -- ah, that goes far beyond merely being in love. You and I were meant to be, destined for each other from the moment of your birth. I believe that's why I've had to face such bitter loneliness for so many centuries -- so that I would be able to assuage that loneliness with the man who was meant to be my mate.

I couldn't even begin to explain the way you make me feel. It's something beyond love, beyond physical desire. I don't think there are words in any vocabulary that could reach inside my mind and my hearts and describe exactly what my feelings for you are.

I've never thought of myself as being an eloquent man. I don't have the words of Shakespeare at my fingertips -- well, not unless I were to find a book and copy down his quotes. Of course, I've actually met him, but that's a long story best told at another time.

At any rate, all the words that I could rehearse in my mind would go flying out of the window the moment I look into your eyes. I know what I want to say to you -- I just don't know how to put my feelings into the words that I know would sound right. Whenever I look at you, my feelings always overflow and take over any ability I have to put them into words.

The only words that I'm left with are "I love you." I know that they aren't the most eloquent words I could say, but they're the ones that come straight from my hearts. The ones that I don't say enough, that you need to hear more often.

My feelings for you can't be adequately expressed in words. The best that I can do is to show you how I feel -- and ever since you, Jack and Owen rescued me from that place I'd allowed myself to be trapped in, I've tried to do that as much as I possibly can.

I haven't always succeeded, I know. There are times when I've been quiet, when I've held myself back from you far more than I should. Please be patient with me, Ianto. Try to bear with me. There are times when I need to retreat into myself, to places where no one can follow me. Fortunately, those times are few and far between.

That has nothing to do with you, or our relationship. And it has no bearing on the love I feel for you. It doesn't mean that my feelings for you are waning. That could never happen. It's just that .... sometimes, I need that solitary time.

It sounds strange, doesn't it? As much as I've always hated being alone, there are times when I want solitude. But as I said, those times don't come upon me often -- and I believe that everyone has those moments in their lives. Besides, I couldn't do that if I didn't have you by my side. I'd be too terrified of that quiet surrounding me, that feeling of utter loneliness.

Remember that each time I come out of that solitude, my bond to you has strengthened. You're the one who keeps me from entering that solitude and never coming out of it, Ianto. You make sure that I'm anchored; you keep me firmly grounded in reality by always being there by my side.

This is long and rambling, and I still haven't been able to put into words how you make me feel. But I think that you'll understand what I'm getting at. You, of all people, know how to read between the lines of what I'm saying, no matter how convoluted I might seem.

I've never been good at putting feelings into words. But the words I can say, and that I will say, over and over again, are that I love you, and that you've given me more happiness than I've ever known, in any of my lives.

Maybe that isn't enough. Maybe I should be able to say more. But you know my feelings, Ianto. All you have to do is look into my eyes -- and they're all written there, as plainly as if I'd said them aloud. And they always will be. You'll never have to look further than that to know exactly what my feelings are. I think that truly is the window to one's soul.

I need to work on being able to say those words more, I know. Perhaps that's one of the things I should make a resolution -- to be able to tell you more often that I love you, to try to give what I feel in my heart words that you can hear and keep with you. I need to hear those words, too, and I'm sure you feel the same.

You've made me feel so many things during our time together, Ianto -- and I'm sure that I'll keep adding new emotions to the already long list. Love is only one of the emotions I feel for you -- but it will always be at the top of that list, and it will always keep getting stronger as we go along.

Your

Doctor

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