Title: The End Is the Beginning Is the End
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG
Table: 30_losses
Prompt: 13B, The Beginning of the End
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.***
When had he known for sure that what he had with Jack was coming to an end?
The Doctor had asked himself that question so many times; he'd turned it over and over in his mind, worrying it like a dog with a particularly meaty bone. But he'd never been able to come up with any sort of a satisfactory answer -- in fact, the more he'd thought about it, the more confused and ultimately frustrated he'd become.
His mind had worked in circles, going over the words he and Jack had spoken to each other the last few times they'd been together. Words that had been by turns loving, distant, poignant, and finally, resigned to what they knew was inevitable.
There was no use continuing to mull over the "what ifs." His relationship with Jack was over; they'd ended it with dignity, and they'd both been able to walk away without harboring resentment in their hearts. Well .... maybe that wasn't entirely true, but they'd tried their best.
For the most part, they didn't resent each other. Their parting had been mutual, something that they'd felt was right. Or was that yet another untruth on top of all the rest?
He didn't usually lie to himself, or to others. He only did so when he felt that it would be for the best in the long run. But this time .... this time he'd had to lie, to protect his hearts, to be sure that he wouldn't do or say something that would betray his real feelings. The feelings that he couldn't let Jack see.
If Jack had known how their parting was tearing the Doctor apart, then he'd have wanted to stay -- or he would have wanted the Time Lord to be with him, to stay on Earth and work for Torchwood. And he couldn't have done that, even if he'd wanted to.
He'd been born to be what he was -- there was no way he could do anything else. Yes, it gave him some measure of comfort to know that he would always have friends on Earth, a place where he could spend time when he needed to find a safe haven -- but he couldn't stop traveling. He'd cease to exist if he did.
Jack had never been quite able to understand that; even though he'd known that something in the Doctor would wither away and die if he tried to settle into one place for good, he'd never been able to understand why he drove himself to keep doing it if a part of him wanted to be more stable.
Those kinds of decisions were easy for Jack. The immortal could make up his mind that he wanted something -- and not stop until he'd achieved that goal.
But for him, it was harder, much harder. Jack wasn't bound by the rules that he'd set -- that his people had set, long before he'd come into existence. Jack didn't have the parameters of conscience that he did -- because Jack didn't have all of his abilities.
That wasn't to say that his former lover wasn't a moral man. He was -- more so than most, the Doctor reflected with a wry smile. But his kind of morality often clashed with the Doctor's -- and the Time Lord wasn't going to back down on any decision he might have to make.
Still, it hadn't been their differences that had parted them in the end. It had been Jack's need for something more than what the Doctor could give him that had made him walk away.
The Doctor didn't blame him. He'd always known, in the deepest recesses of his hearts, that Jack wouldn't be with him forever. But he'd allowed his mind to be complacent; he'd been able to lull himself into the belief that Jack would give him forever, that the immortal would be the one to stay with him for an unlimited amount of time.
Jack was the one person who could give him that, and he'd considered himself lucky to find such a man and win his heart. But somehow, a part of him had always known that the loneliness would find a way back into his life, that he couldn't always keep it at bay.
He'd tried. First with his human companions, people who always inevitably made the decision to leave. The ones who wanted to stay .... well, they were the ones who he didn't want to keep with him forever. Jack had been the only one who he would have moved heaven and Earth to keep by his side.
There had been a time when he thought they would work -- and when Jack apparently had thought so, too. When had that changed? He couldn't put his finger on just when it had happened.
Maybe it had been gradual, something that had built up a wall between them during their time together. Try as he might, he couldn't pinpoint it. It had been so insidious, so devious, that the barrier had just suddenly been there, without any warning.
He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall of the Tardis. There hadn't been a beginning of the end. There had only been a beginning of their relationship, a gradual growing closer -- and then, an abrupt end that he hadn't expected.
They had parted as friends, and they would stay friends. Jack would never know how much the Doctor's hearts ached whenever he heard that voice -- that low, sensual, mellifluous voice that had always made him melt, even before he and Jack had become lovers. He would never know the depths of the pain in the Time Lord's heart whenever he looked at the man he loved.
He would never let Jack know just how much that parting had affected him. Whenever he was near the immortal, he would keep his emotions to himself, cover his real feelings with a veneer of calm affability. With a little practice, it shouldn't be that hard to do.
He'd had to hide his feelings before -- but never like this. He'd let people who he'd cared about walk away from him, though he'd never loved them in the way he loved Jack. Theirs was the kind of love that happened once in a lifetime -- and then only with the greatest of luck.
It had only happened to him once -- and he had several lifetimes. He'd waited for ten of them to have someone like Jack in his life, and he'd been naive enough to think that it would last forever.
Well, he'd certainly learned his lesson, hadn't he? From now on, he knew enough to keep his hearts locked and bolted, tightly shuttered against the world. He'd never allow himself to feel that strongly for anyone again.
If he didn't let the emotions in, then he couldn't be hurt by them when they waved goodbye. Of all the lessons he'd learned, that would be the one that he'd remember best, the one he would carry with him until the end of his days.
And the next time someone reached out to him, he would know enough to turn and run.***
- Main Torchwood slash page
- New stories page
- Jack/Ianto stories
- Ianto/Owen stories
- Other pairings stories - ie threesomes
- F/F stories
- Gen stories