Title: The Last Time I Said Goodbye
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 6, Alone
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.***
Dear Jack,
Now that we've been together for quite a while, I feel that I can write this letter and not have it taken the wrong way. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, and the past is in the past, where it belongs. But I can't help feeling that I need to talk about that past, to exorcise it.
The last time I said goodbye, I truly thought that it would be the last time we saw each other. I knew that we would continue to be friends, but I felt in my hearts that the friendship we had would diminish over time. I thought that we would end up being strangers.
It always felt odd that the one person who could be with me forever was the one who didn't want to be. It seemed that all of my companions would have given a lot to give me the forever I craved -- but I didn't want it from anyone other than you.
No one else made me want to cry when they left, and I know that I've never missed anyone's presence in my life in the way that I've missed yours. You're a part of me, Jack, in a way that no one else has ever been, or anyone could ever hope to be.
When you left me that first time, I was convinced that I would be alone for the rest of my days. I couldn't see myself with any other companion -- though I would probably have found one in time, if you hadn't come back to me. I'm not the sort of person who works well alone.
But I was alone for quite a while before we found each other again -- and I feel like I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that I can survive more than I thought I could -- I've always known that I could survive a lot of physical catastrophes, but having my hearts broken? Not so much.
Still, I survived this -- but I don't think that I would survive if you left me a second time. Oh, I would go on -- I have no doubt of that. I would keep existing; I might even be able to smile and laugh and make jokes, and I'd appear to be my usual dapper self.
But inside, I would be dead. That's how I felt when I watched you walk away the last time I said goodbye to you -- and I was absolutely positive that I would never recover. I was sure that it was the final nail in the coffin of my happiness, and that I would never feel light and love again.
I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come back to me. I'd probably have continued to roam the stars, feeling more detached every day -- and I'm sure that I would have kept coming back to Cardiff in the hope that you might have changed your mind about us.
I couldn't say goodbye to you again, Jack. It would shatter my hearts into far too many pieces to put back together again. There comes a time when glue can't hold shattered glue, and without you in my life, I'm afraid that's all my hearts would be left with.
Yes, that sounds melodramatic, but it's true. One of the things that I learned during the time that I spent being without you is that you're an integral part of my life. I don't need you to survive -- but I do need you in my life for me to be happy. Without you, I never can be.
You've wrapped yourself so tightly around my hearts and soul that I don't believe I could ever feel as though I'm a whole person without you in my life. You've insinuated yourself into my state of being, Jack Harkness -- and for some odd reason, I don't mind that at all.
Before you, I would never have left anyone get that close to me. Even when I had a companion, someone to keep me company and watch my back, I was still, for all intents and purposes, alone. I'd built up so many walls around myself that it was impossible to let them crumble for anyone.
You changed all of that. You demolished those walls, and you made me see that giving my hearts and soul to someone I truly loved was worth the risk. And even when you walked away and we said goodbye for what I thought was the last time, I still felt that loving you had been a gift.
Knowing that I'll never have to be alone again, accepting the fact that this, you're here to stay, has made such a difference in my life, one that I can't put into words. Letting go of my fears and accepting your love into my hearts in every possible way has given me more freedom than I've ever had.
The last time I said goodbye to you, when I stood at the door of the Tardis and watched you walk away from me, I was so sure that it would be forever. My hearts have been rejoicing ever since I found out that it wasn't. You've made me happier than I can ever express in words.
I hope that being here with me makes you happy, too. I feel sure that it would, or you wouldn't have come back to me. Every day I wake up with joy filling my hearts and soul because you're here with me, and because I know that I won't be spending that day alone.
If we ever say goodbye again, I hope that it will only be for a short time, and only because it's necessary for some reason -- and that we both know we'll be together again soon. I don't think that I could deal with losing you for a second time and thinking that it would be permanent.
You're the only person who has been able to give me forever, Jack. And now that I have forever with you, I'm selfish. I don't want to give it up. I only hope that you don't want to give up spending forever with me, either. I hope neither of us will ever have to contemplate being alone again.
I won't say that I would die if you left me alone, but I know that I'd simply be existing, not living. I don't feel truly alive unless you're here by my side. I didn't feel alive in all of the time that we were apart; I was just existing through every day, wondering when the end would come.
It's comforting to know that I never have to feel like that again, and to feel that I'll always have you here beside me. I feel that the last time I said goodbye truly was the last time it will ever happen -- and that from now on, you and I will only be saying hello.
Always your
Doctor***
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