Title: Lifting the Curse
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 12, Curse
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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My beloved Ianto,

I seem to be writing you a lot of letters lately, don't I? I suppose that's because sometimes I find it so much easier to say what I feel in letters, rather than trying to express it in words. It's all too easy for my tongue to become twisted and not be able to get words out.

Perhaps it's because I've felt that I have a lot on my mind lately that I don't feel I can tell you in words. I've been thinking about how much my life has changed for the better since I've found you, and that's not something I can find the right words to express.

Even in writing, I'm having a hard time making my emotions come through. I wish that I could be more eloquent, but I lack the kind of silver tongue I've always wanted to have. All I can do is tell you in plain language how I feel, and hope the sincerity shows.

More and more in the past weeks, I've been thinking of the issue that I know is always in the back of your mind, as well as in mine -- that I've fallen in love with a human, and that even though you can spend the rest of your life with me, I can't spend mine with you.

I've told other people that before, but it's never really seemed to get through to anyone. But you .... I think you realize that more acutely than anyon else ever has.

My long life span has been a blessing for most of my life. I've never wanted to see myself come to and end, and I've always accepted the fact that I had no control over whatever body I would happen to get in my next regeneration. It never really seemed to matter.

I suppose that was because I didn't have someone in my life who loved me as fiercely as you do, Ianto. I never expected to have that -- I'd always felt that sort of love was meant for other people, not for a Time Lord, no matter how much I wanted it for myself.

It's always seemed just one more sacrifice that I've made to be what I am, and being a Time Lord is what I've always wanted, since I was a small child. I've never felt before that having such a long life and multiple bodies was something I'd find myself regretting.

But since I've met you, more and more I've come to think of that long life as a curse. I know that there's going to come a time when I'll lose you -- and that I'll have to continue on with my life, alone for the rest of it, whether I'm in this body or in another.

Losing you will be a blow that I honestly don't think I'm capable of recovering from. I know that you'll protest on reading those words, that you'll say I have to go on because of who and what I am, even if I don't have the man I love by my side.

I know that I should think the same way; I know that I have responsibilties that can't fall by the wayside because of personal devastation. But I have to ask myself if I can possibly go on when I'll no longer have a reason for waking to each new day.

Oh, yes, I can keep going. It would be easier in a new body -- because I'll at least have the secure knowledge that it won't be the body you've loved and made love to. It will still be the same man, but it won't be me as I am now. Your Doctor will be gone, along with you.

I'd never thought that I would say -- or rather, write -- these words, but I have to. Once you're gone, I don't want to remain, at least not as I am now.

Maybe some would see it as "throwing my life away." I don't look at it in that light. Having such a long life, a chance to change bodies to prolong it, would be a miracle for most -- and they'd jump at the chance to have that sort of a life.

I'll admit, when I first became a Time Lord, I was intrigued by that side of it. I didn't realise just what a sacrifice I would be making to see all the people I love age and die, and know that I would live on, even if I was in a completely different body.

Who wouldn't be mesmerised by the idea of being able to live for hundreds, perhaps even thousands of years? Not that I expect to live much into a second millennium -- the life I lead is far too risky for me to think that I'll be able to extend my existence that long.

My long life span has become a curse instead of a blessing. The thought of losing you weighs on my mind so often that sometimes I'm afraid I won't make the most of the time I do have with you because of my worries over what's to come.

I know that I should try to lock those thoughts away; I can't let fear of being alone again color how I live the life that I've been granted with my soul mate. I don't want to waste the time we have together in worrying about what the future will inevitably bring.

But it's easier said than done, Ianto. I wake at night in a cold sweat from nightmares of being alone, of knowing that you aren't there with me. I have to reach over and touch you to be sure that you're still there, that it was only a dream and that you haven't gone from me.

I've never been the sort of man to let my fears control me. But the fear of losing you grows every day, even though I try to hide it, even from myself.

It's not the idea of being alone that terrifies me so much. I've been alone before, and until I met you, I'd resigned myself to spending my life essentially on my own. I hate that state of being, but it's something I've grown used to over the centuries. It holds no unknown fears for me.

What I'm afraid of is going through the rest of my days knowing what I've lost; always feeling that gaping chasm inside me that no one will ever be able to feel, always living with the knowledge that I'll never have you by my side again. That's the most terrifying thing I can possibly imagine.

There are times when I turn to you and start to say all of this, that my life is a curse and that you're my salvation. But I never do. I always feel that it's too much weight to drop onto your shoulders, and that I don't need you to share those anxieties with me.

But the truth is, I do. I need to share all of this with you; I need to let you know how I feel, honestly and truthfully. I shouldn't be keeping this from you, and I should give us a chance to work past those fears together.

I'm putting my fears in your hands, my love, as I should have done when they first started to come into being. I know that together, the two of us will be able to lift that curse, and that all of those fears will be laid to rest.

Your loving

Doctor

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