Title: No More Lonely Nights
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 65, Night
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.***
Dear Doctor,
You know, I used to hate the night sometimes. When I was alone on Earth, and I knew that you were out there in the stars somewhere, away from me, I'd curse having to spend the nights alone. I usually wouldn't sleep; I'd stay up all night.
It didn't matter if I read a book, drank innumberable cups of coffee, or tried to interest myself in the late-night telly that I normally wouldn't look at twice. Nothing worked. Nothing too my mind off you -- and nothing made me want you any less.
I stupidly thought it would. I thought that if I could drive myself to exhaustion, that the desire would go away, and I'd feel somewhat normal again.
But it never did. I never started to feel like myself again until you came back, and I knew that you were there beside me, safe in my arms. Maybe I was being overprotective, but that's only one of the things you do when you fall in love.
I even considered going to the Hub and spending nights working there, even though there was really nothing to do. And if I'd been there, then I would have had to explain how I was feeling to Jack -- and I didn't trust him not to try to take advantage of the situation.
Oh, I know that he says he believes we belong together -- but we both know him too well to know that he wouldn't turn down an opportunity.
Though on second thought, maybe he would have. He wouldn't want to face your wrath, I know that -- and he really does want to see the two of us happy together. I honestly don't think he'd do anything to come between us.
Not that he could. No one could. If all of those nights far away from you only made my desire and my love for you grow stronger, then I know that no human being could ever possibly hope to make that love fall to pieces. It would never happen.
It's almost funny how I'd always thought, before I met you, that I had to be with the person I loved all the time -- when we weren't working, that is. My relationship with you has taught me that love is more than just being close to the person you love physically.
All the time that you were away from me, the nights I spent tossing and turning and wondering where you were, only made my feelings grow stronger. I don't believe that would ever have happened with anyone else.
But you aren't just anyone, Doctor. And our relationship isn't just "love." It's something far beyond that, something that I have no words for.
There were times when I thought that I'd literally go insane, wanting to reach out to you and knowing that you wouldn't be there. Of course, you were always there in my heart, but when you weren't there for me to touch, to hold, it was .... frightening.
Yes, I was afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid that you wouldn't come back to me -- or that when you did, you would come back changed in some way. If not regenerated, that you'd come back with your feelings for me changed, that you wouldn't want to be with me.
I suppose that's one of the reasons I pushed you so hard to let me come with you all the time. I was so afraid that I'd lose you if I wasn't with you every minute.
And because of that fear, I almost did lose you. I don't want to think about that; it's a part of our lives that's over and done, and we should be trying to put it behind us, not bringing it up over and over again when it needs to be buried in the past.
Those nights that I stood at the window of my flat and gazed up into the sky .... I thought they would last forever. I thought that time would stand still, and that I'd never have you in my arms again. All I wanted was for you to come back to me.
And every time you did, I breathed a sigh of relief and swore that next time, next time, I'd be with you, that I wouldn't let you go alone. But every time, you did leave me on Earth -- and while I know that it was what you thought best, I still couldn't accept it.
I'm just thankful that Jack and Owen and I were able to bring you back from what I drove you to do; if we hadn't been, I'd spend the rest of my life doing penance.
There are times when I still feel that I haven't done enough to make it up to you. Each night that we're on a planet where I can look up at stars, I imagine what my life would be like if you were out there now, and I wasn't with you.
That's a chilling thought, and not one that I want to have on my mind. I don't want to think about a life without you, beloved. That wouldn't be a life for me; it would only be an existence, and a dreary one at that, after having known what it is to love you.
Fortunately, I don't have to. I'm here with you, and this is where I'll always be. I don't regret giving up the remnants of my life on Earth for one single second, Doctor. What I've gained is so much more than what I've given up could ever have been.
The nights here don't seem like nights; time doesn't really exist here on the Tardis. But I know when night comes; I can feel it.
And every night when I hold you as I'm drifting off to sleep, I'll have a smile on my face, knowing that I'm spending this night with you. No more looking up at the dark sky sprinkled with stars, wondering which one of them might be you and if you're looking down and thinking of me.
I know that you were, my darling. Every night that you were away from me, I know that you missed me as much as I did you. I don't doubt that for a moment. You see, I could feel that, too. Through all those nights and all that distance, I knew you wanted to be with me.
We'll spend all of our nights together from now on, my beloved. I think we're both going to make sure that there'll be no more lonely nights for either of us again.
Your loving
Ianto***
- Main Torchwood slash page
- New stories page
- Jack/Ianto stories
- Ianto/Owen stories
- Other pairings stories - ie threesomes
- F/F stories
- Gen stories
- Amazon.com - Torchwood: Children of Earth
- Amazon.co.uk - Torchwood - Children of Earth [DVD] [2009]
- Amazon.ca link - Torchwood - The Complete First Season (7DVD)