Title: Lose Myself
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 4
Prompt: 9, City
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor stood at the window of the hotel he and Ianto were staying in while they were on Earth, looking out over the city of London. Leaning his forehead against the smooth glass, he sighed softly, letting his eyes roam over the view in front of him.

He loved this city, almost as much as he'd loved his home of Gallifrey. There was something about London that had always drawn him; not the people there, but the city itself. There was an electricity about it that he'd never found anywhere else.

Cardiff was close to his heart, of couse. He'd met his Ianto there; it was the place where Torchwood was located now, and that counted for something as well. Besides, it was the city where his life had taken a turn for the better when he'd met his young lover.

But London .... there was something special about this city, something that called to him in a way that no other place ever had.

What was it about this city that made him feel so at home? It was nothing like Gallifrey; yes, he'd lived in a large city on his home planet, but it hadn't been like London. This place had a vitality that Gallifrey, as much as he'd loved it, had never possessed.

Ianto admitted that he enjoyed London, too -- he'd lived here for a while when he'd been a member of the first Torchwood, and he knew the city well. Though he'd long ago told the Doctor that the place held its share of heartbreak for him.

He'd lost his first love here, in a way -- even though her actual death had occurred in Cardiff. But he would always associate London with her, in many ways, and the Doctor couldn't help feeling a stab of jealousy at that thought.

Would he always feel like that when he thought of Ianto's former lovers? He hoped not. There was no reason for jealousy, after all.

Of course, he'd always feel uneasy around Jack. He'd been Ianto's first male lover, and the Doctor knew that Ianto had loved the immortal. Even if Jack hadn't returned that love -- just as he hadn't returned what the Doctor had felt for him -- the emotion had still been there for Ianto.

Jack wasn't capable of loving anyone but himself, the Doctor thought disparagingly, and Ianto knew it. He'd said many, many times that he knew he had something better with the Doctor than anything he could ever have had with Jack, and the Time Lord knew that he meant it.

As if the thoughts of his young lover drew Ianto near, a pair of strong arms slipped around his waist from behind, and the Doctor felt himself drawn back against Ianto's chest. He closed his eyes, leaning back on the man behind him and letting himself relax.

Was there anything in the world that felt better than resting in Ianto's embrace? He didn't think so; this would always be the place where he belonged, more than any other.

"It's a marvelous city, isn't it?" Ianto murmured into his ear, those strong arms tightening around him. "Sometimes I miss living here. London has a presence all its own. Cardiff does too, but in a very different way. London is one of a kind."

"Yes, it is," the Doctor agreed, his eyes still on the lights outside the window. "There's a part of me that feels like I belong here. It's not Gallifrey -- or even close to it -- but it's the place where I feel most at home now. It's a place where I can lose myself."

"What about Cardiff?" Ianto asked, sounding surprised. "I know that I don't have a place there any more, but I thought that was the place on Earth where you felt most at home. Considering that the Rift is there -- and Torchwood is, too."

The Doctor shook his head, searching for words to describe his feelings to Ianto. It was hard to do that, when he wasn't quite sure of them himself.

"It's not the pull of Torchwood -- or even the fact that the Rift is there," he began, speaking slowly. "I'm not sure why I feel more at home here. It's not because there are any people here who I have some especially strong connection with, even though I do have friends here."

"Then it has to be some affinity you feel with the city," Ianto said, nodding. "I can understand that. I felt the same way when I first moved here from my home in Cardiff. I couldn't wait to jump into everything. It was like I was free, for the first time in my life."

"It's not that, either," the Doctor said, sighing. "I don't know how to explain it, Ianto. There's just some quality this city has that I've never found in any other place in the galaxy. Maybe it's because the place is so big, and I can lose myself in it."

"But don't you get that with the rest of the galaxy?" Ianto inquired, his brows raised in question. "After all, that's a pretty big place."

The Doctor shrugged, the gesture telling Ianto quite a lot. He was trying to lose himself, to blend in -- and one of the best places to do that on Earth was in a huge city with a lot of people. He tried to do the same thing when he was out there amongst the stars.

He wanted to be accepted, to fit in -- and looking as human as he did, it was easy enough for him to walk around in the streets of London and feel that he fit in here, that he was only one of millions of people. He could feel that he was like them -- even though he knew that wasn't true.

The Doctor sighed and shook his head, his next words soft. "No, Ianto, it's not that I can feel like I'm part of the human race by losing myself in the crowds in the city. It's that for once, I can feel that I'm accepted by them. They don't know how different I really am."

Ianto blinked, wondering how the Doctor had known what he was thinking. He shouldn't be surprised at that, he told himself. The Doctor knew him better than anyone ever had.

And besides, he was a telepath. When they were this close, their thoughts moving along the same path, it was probably quite easy for the Doctor to pull his thoughts from his mind, to be able to tap into what he was thinking and feeling.

He lowered his head to brush a kiss across the Time Lord's cheek, his voice husky when he spoke. "It doesn't matter that no one else here knows what you are, Doctor. The important thing is that you feel comfortable here -- that you feel it's a place where you belong."

"I don't really belong here, Ianto." The Doctor sounded sad as his eyes roamed over the busy street, watching the people walking along, some alone, some arm in arm. "I don't really belong anywhere. I'm just looking for a place where I can feel that I'm not so alone."

"You're never alone," Ianto told him, turning the Doctor around in his arms so that they were facing each other. "Not while you have me."

"That's not what I meant," the Doctor said, his dark eyes meeting Ianto's. "I never feel alone when I'm with you, love. Not in that way. It's just that .... there's no one else in the world like me, other than the Master. I'm alone in what I am."

"I'm glad there's no one else like you," Ianto whispered, cupping the Doctor's face between his hands and looking deeply into those fathomless eyes. "If you were like everyone else, then you wouldn't be who you are. And I'd probably never have found you."

"You do have a point," the Doctor conceded, smiling and placing his own hands over Ianto's. "And with that said, would you care to show me just how much you appreciate me being who I am?" He stepped away slightly, cocking his head to the side and resting his hands on his hips.

"Gladly," Ianto answered, reaching for the Time Lord's hand and backing away a few steps. After a moment, the Doctor slipped one hand into Ianto's, following him from the front room down the hall to their bedroom with an anticipatory smile on his lips.

***