Title: Never Had A Lot To Lose
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 20_est_relships
Prompt: 8, Loss
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed softly, resting his chin on his hand and staring off into space. Ianto glanced over at him, a frown marring his brow as he took in the look on the Time Lord's features. He was sinking into melancholy again, his expression dark and troubled.

Ianto hated to see the Doctor in what seemed like such a down mood; it wasn't often that his normally exuberant lover had a bout of depression, but when he did, it seemed to reach into his very soul. And he didn't know what he could do to make that mood lift.

He'd learned from experience that usually the best thing to do was wait patiently for the Doctor's dark mood to lift; it always did, and he would be back to his usual cheerful self again. But these moods had been becoming more frequent lately, or so it seemed.

The young man couldn't help but worry about that. He was almost sure that these moods pointed to something that the Doctor was unhappy with, and he couldn't help but think that the melancholy might have its roots in their relationship.

Was the Doctor unhappy with him? Had he done or said something to cause this mood? The answer was always no, but he still couldn't keep his worries from coming to the surface.

Hopefully, he could do something to change the mood that the Time Lord seemed to be sinking into, turn it around before it got much worse. He rose to his feet, moving from the comfortable chair he was sitting in to where the Doctor was curled on one corner of the couch and sliding his arms around the other man's waist to pull him close.

"What is it, love?" he asked softly, raising a hand to stroke the Doctor's unruly dark hair back from his face. His blue-grey gaze locked on the other man's, hoping that he could draw the Doctor out and get him to talk about whatever was obviously bothering him.

"It's nothing, sweetheart." The Doctor sighed again, seeming to rouse himself from the depth of his melancholy to give Ianto a smile that looked tired and strained. "Nothing to do with you. I was just .... thinking about the past."

"Gallifrey?" Ianto questioned, his voice gentle. That was usually the cause of the Doctor's moods; he knew that it was close to the anniversary of the planet's destruction, and that always made the Doctor sink into a dark mood until the day had passed.

The Time Lord nodded, looking down at his hands clasped in his lap, as though he found it hard to meet Ianto's eyes.

"I know that I should put the past where it belongs," he whispered, his voice sounding tremulous and shaky. "I can't dwell on Gallifrey's destruction forever. But it haunts me, Ianto. It always will -- because I was the cause of it. I killed my home, and my people."

Ianto shook his head firmly, taking the Time Lord into his arms and holding the Doctor's thin body close against his own. "No, you weren't," he said, his voice firm and steady. "You may have been the one who ultimately destroyed the planet, but you weren't responsible for the Time Wars. From what you've told me, they'd been going on long before you were even born."

"That's true," the Doctor admitted with another soft sigh. "But I have to take the responsibility for being the one who actually destroyed my home, Ianto. It was me, no one else. Circumstances forced me to it, but the fact remains that I was the one who did it."

"You can't beat yourself up about that forever," Ianto told him, wishing that there was some way he could make the Doctor believe his words. "Doctor, you can't carry that guilt with you forever. Sooner or later, you have to learn to forgive yourself."

"It's not that easy," the Doctor replied with another sigh as he rested his head against Ianto's shoulder. "I know you're right, love. I know that I should be able to make peace with it. But something in me never will. It's not a part of my life that I can just push away."

"And you shouldn't have to." Ianto's voice was soft, soothing. "But you have to get to the point where the loss doesn't cut through you every time you think about it."

Ianto desperately wished that there was something, anything, he could do to alleviate the Doctor's guilt and grief over the destruction of his people. But his hands were tied; he was helpless to do anything more than offer what comfort and support he could.

Maybe that would be enough, he told himself with an inward sigh. It would have to be, really. He couldn't do anything more than what he was already trying to do, be here for his lover when he was needed. That was what a companion was for, after all.

He was more than a companion, though. He was this man's lover, his soul mate. He should be able to do more than simply listen and offer comfort; he felt helpless to stem the tide of guilt and loss that the Doctor felt. So much loss for one man to bear; not only his home planet and his people, but others who had perished over the centuries.

Ianto's heart ached for his lover; he knew that he couldn't begin to imagine the kind of pain and loss that the Doctor had suffered. If he could, he would take that all away, make the Doctor's life full of nothing but light and love and happiness.

But he couldn't do that, and he knew it. All that he could do was love this man, offer him unconditional support. He'd given the Doctor his heart, body and soul -- there was nothing more to give. Everything he had, everything he was, belonged to the man in his arms.

He'd never regret giving himself to the Doctor, not for one moment. This was where he belonged, and the only place in the universe that he wanted to be.

Ianto hoped that the Doctor didn't regret anything in their relationship, either; but at least his mood didn't seem to stem from any problems in that direction. He could breathe more easily, knowing that, and try to think of a way to make the bad mood disappear.

The Doctor raised his head from Ianto's shoulder, looking up at him with a soft smile. "I'm sorry that I get into these fits of melancholy, love," he murmured, his thin arms winding around his young lover's neck and pulling him close. "I'll try to get past them, I promise."

He pulled the Doctor closer, his lips trailing along the Time Lord's throat. "What do you say that we take this conversation to the bedroom? I think we might be able to make more headway into making your bad mood go away if we're in a better location."

The Doctor laughed softly, the veil seeming to lift from his dark eyes. Ianto breathed a sigh of relief; the mood was passing, and his lover was smiling and looking happy. Hopefully, it would be a while before the feeling of loss and sorrow hit him again -- and maybe then, Ianto would be prepared for it.

He himself had never felt that he had a lot to lose, Ianto mused. The Doctor had so much more -- and he'd lost nearly all of it, not through any fault of his own.

It was his lover's responsibility to help him keep those feelings of loss at bay, to hold them off and keep them in the background, where they belonged. He wasn't going to let the Doctor sink himself into melancholy and guilt over what had, by his own account, been inevitable -- the Time Lord deserved more than that.

He was a man who deserved to be happy, and Ianto was going to make sure that he found the degree of happiness he deserved. In fact, he was going to do his best to chase away that melancholy and make the Doctor happy right now.

Pulling the Time Lord to his feet, Ianto slipped an arm around his waist and headed for the door in the direction of their bedroom. He intended to chase away the Doctor's feelings of loss in the best way he knew how -- and he was sure that he'd be successful at doing just that.

***