Title: Love Will Lead You Back
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 100, Watching the clock
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

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Dear Doctor,

Since you've been writing me letters, I figured the least I could do was write one back. And I'll probably be writing a lot more, once I get used to the idea of doing this even though we're both on the Tardis and we spend all our time with each other.

Do you know how much I wanted to at least write you letters when we were apart? But I wouldn't have had any way to get them to you. I didn't know where you were, or if you'd even read anything that I wrote. I didn't even know if I'd ever see you again.

I wonder how many nights I spent looking up into the night sky and wondering which one of those stars you were on? I'd look at all of those bright little pinpoints of light twinkling up in the heavens, and wish that I was there, with you, instead of being on Earth.

It didn't take me long to realize that I'd made a really horrible mistake by leaving you and going back to Torchwood. Yeah, I felt like it was something I had to do, but having some kind of duty to Torchwood and Earth wasn't my real reason. We both know that.

The real reason was is that I was scared of what we felt for each other. I was terrified of giving my heart up completely, of falling in love with you. I've lost so many people in the past, Doctor. I couldn't stand to lose another person I love.

And you're not just anybody, you know. You're the love of my life. I'm not going to lie, I've loved before. I've felt like my heart was torn out and ripped into shreds when people I've cared about have died. But you .... with you, it's completely different.

You're the one person who I couldn't get along in this world without. I knew that from the first time we met. I'd never had such a strong attraction to anybody in my entire life. I knew from that first meeting that I was meant to be yours.

Yeah, you were in a different body then, but it doesn't matter. I fell for you then and there, without any barriers or any reservations. It wasn't like the other times I've just wanted somebody. This was real love, not just lust or desire.

That's what scared me so much. I'd never felt anything that strong that I knew was more than the desire I've felt for hundreds of others. Nothing had ever shaken me to my core before, and I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to fall in love, really in love.

But it didn't take me long to get used to the idea. And then when I found out that you'd regenerated, and you were the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen -- well, you can guess how I felt then. That only made me fall in love with you all the more.

Okay, I know that's kind of superficial. But who isn't attracted to beauty? And I knew from experience that you're even more gorgeous on the inside. No, you're not perfect, but you're a better person than anyone else I've ever known. Including myself.

Sometimes I've wondered how many nights I laid in bed while I was at Torchwood, watching the clock and thinking about you. Thinking about time, and how it's torn us apart and brought us back together more than once. And hoping that it would happen again.

I prayed for that. I've never been a religious kind of person, but I've prayed to any diety I could think of to bring you back into my life. And I've prayed that you would find it in your hearts to forgive me for walking away from you and hurting you so much.

I didn't have a right to leave you, Doctor. I was only thinking of myself, not of you. And I didn't realize how much I'd be hurting myself to leave you. I thought it was what I should do to protect my heart, and in the long run, I just ended up breaking it.

Yeah, that was smart, wasn't it? Breaking my own heart by walking away from the person I loved more than anything in the world. I didn't realize that all I was doing was hurting myself, instead of protecting my heart. I was so stupid.

Believe me, I'm not going to do anything like that again. I'm not going to hurt either of us in that way. I've done it once, and unlike a lot of humans, I learn from my mistakes. I know better than to make myself that miserable now that I've found out what it's like.

From now on, when I watch the clock, it'll be because I'm waiting for you to get out of the shower, or finish doing something here on the Tardis so you can be in my arms. No more looking up at the sky and trying to tell myself that you'll come back to me.

I can't go through that again. I can't live even one day wondering where you are, and if I'll ever see you again. That pain is still with me whenever I think of those nights at Torchwood when I laid there in bed and wished more than anything that you were there by my side.

Okay, so that's selfish of me. I know that you hurt just as much as I did, if not more. You needed me as your companion and lover, and I let you down in both ways. I promise that will never happen again, Doctor. From now on, I'll be there when you need me.

I've told you before that I'd be there for you. And I meant it at the time. But when I left, that was because I was afraid of myself and what I felt. I've grown up a lot during that time, Doc. I know it sounds like an excuse, but believe me, I have.

I'm not the same person who walked out on you. Before I did that, I didn't know what real heartache and loneliness were. I thought I did, but I hadn't even come close. Nothing tore my heart and soul apart like being away from you.

That really put what we have with each other to the test, didn't it? All that time apart, neither of us being exactly sure how the other one felt. It's a test that I shouldn't have put us through, but at least we know for sure now that we belong together.

We'll never have any questions about that again. I know where we belong now; I always hoped that love would lead you back to me and that we'd find each other again. Now that it has, I'm not going to let my own insecurities tear me away from you. Not this time.

I don't want to go through that again -- and I never want you to have to deal with that kind of pain again, either. That's what hurts me the most, to be honest. The fact that I put you through so much pain. If I could take it all away, I would.

But I can't. All I can do is promise you that there's going to be no more watching the clock and wondering when we'll be together again -- for either of us. From now on, I'm here with you. For the long run. For eternity. And I'm never going to walk away again.

Love eternal,

Jack

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