Title: Make It Last
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 4
Prompt: 2, Christmas
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed as he looked out of the front window of Ianto's flat; the snow was falling, covering the city in a soft white blanket. People were scurrying about on the street below, looking happy, children shouting and throwing snowballs at each other.

But even though he'd always enjoyed the festivities of Christmas, he couldn't join in that happiness. It was never the time of year that seemed to go well for him; so much always happened to him at Christmas, and it had given him a feeling of premonition.

Was this Christmas going to be the same as most of the others in his life? Would some terrible catastrophe overtake him, as it always seemed to during this season? The joy of Christmas had been marred for him for so long because of that.

This should be the time of year for happiness, for him to be able to bask in the joy of living. But he couldn't. He hadn't been able to for a long time.

Some horrible sense of loss always overtook him -- and it was no wonder, with all of the losses he had suffered in the past at this time of year. Somehow, those losses always came back to haunt him, making him feel hopeless rather than happy.

Of course, there had been a few good things that had happened, too. He'd regenerated into this body at Christmas -- a wonderful body that he didn't want to lose. Which only made him doubly wary, knowing that could happen again.

He loved this body. What was more important, Ianto loved this body. He didn't want to lose what he'd built for himself in this incarnation, didn't want to have to start all over again with a new body and a new perspective.

It was strange how attached he'd grown to this body. But maybe that was only because he'd found the love of his life while he was in it.

He'd never been that was with any of his other bodies. He'd never cared so much about losing any of them; they hadn't seemed quite permanent to him. He'd always felt that they were just a stop along the way, that his physical appearance was unimportant.

Now .... that had changed. Was he becoming more vain, less used to the ways of Gallifreyan thinking and more like a human? If he was, then he welcomed that change. He'd always wanted to be more human; maybe he was finally achieving that goal.

He wanted to keep this body, not only for himself, but for his lover. Ianto loved him like this -- and, truth be told, he'd grown too fond of it to discard it without a second thought. If only there was some way to ensure that he wouldn't regenerate .....

The Doctor sighed, resting his head against the coolness of the window glass. That was a pipe dream; it was impossible to stop a regeneration from happening.

If he could find any way to do so, he would, in an instant. Even if it meant being in this body until he grew old in the same way that a human did. He would gladly accept that aging and inevitable death -- if it meant that he could be happy with Ianto for the rest of his life.

That was the worst thing about being what he was, he reflected with another soft sigh. The people he loved could spend the rest of their lives with him, and be happy and secure in that knowledge. But he could never spend the rest of his life with them.

He was doomed to inevitably be alone -- even though the people he'd loved would always be a part of him. They would always be there in his hearts, in his memories -- but they couldn't always be with him in the flesh, a tangible part of his life.

Loneliness was a foregone conclusion for him, he told himself sternly. He should have grown used to that a very long time ago.

But he wasn't lonely now, a small voice in the back of his mind piped up. He had Ianto. He would never be lonely, as long as the love of his life was by his side. He could revel in the fact that after more than 900 years, he'd finally found that love.

Yet the thought that he would lose Ianto all too soon was never far from his mind. Ianto was human; that inevitability of aging and dying would always hang over their heads, like a dark cloud that was ready to unleash a storm at any moment.

And where would that leave him? the Doctor thought bitterly. Alone again, of course. Only once Ianto was gone, his loneliness would be much, much more -- because he would have a very long time to mourn what he had lost and would never have again.

He was so startled to feel strong arms slipping around his waist from behind that he jumped and let out a little yelp, his hearts seeming to leap up into his throat.

"What are you thinking about, love?" Ianto's lilting Welsh accent was soft in his ear, his lover's voice soothing his startled senses. "You're looking so grim that I can't help but think you need a bit of cheering up."

The Doctor sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back against Ianto. He had to force himself to relax; he hadn't realized that his thoughts were making him so tense. What would he do when he no longer had this angel to soothe him?

"I was .... thinking that this time of year is usually a bad time for me," he admitted, not wanting to go into everything he'd been thinking. That would only upset Ianto -- or worse, make him feel guilty -- and he certainly didn't want to do that.

"Christmas can be a stressful time for anyone," Ianto agreed, stroking his hair. "But you shouldn't be thinking about that, sweetheart. We should be happy to be spending our first Christmas together. That's not a cause for sadness."

"I know it's not," the Doctor murmured, shaking his head. "You're right, Ianto. I should be happier. But the past seems to have a way of intruding on my thoughts sometimes."

Ianto nodded, pulling the Doctor closer against him. "I can understand that. Everyone has certain times that bring back bad memories. But try to put them aside, Doctor. This is a time to celebrate -- and to look towards the future."

The Doctor nodded, knowing that what his lover was saying made sense, but having a hard time shaking off his melancholy. "It's just hard to make myself believe that this Christmas will be any different," he whispered, feeling a lump start to form in his throat.

"But it will be," Ianto told him, his voice soft and husky. "It will be different because you're with me. You're not alone any more, Doctor. You have someone who loves you -- and who isn't going to let you go. I want that to make all the difference in the world."

"It does," the Doctor whispered, trying to keep his voice steady. "I just can't help feeling that the bad luck of the past will catch up to me -- because the time that I've had with you so far has been so wonderful. I don't feel that it can last."

"We'll make it last," Ianto said firmly, turning the Doctor around to face him. "We're going to make this Christmas wonderful for both of us -- and every other Christmas after this, as well."

The Doctor nodded, blinking back the tears before they could rise to his eyes. Ianto was right; he had to put aside his fears, live in the present instead of the past. And he had to stop worrying about what the future might hold.

Whatever the inevitabilities were for their future, he would have to deal with them when they came. There was no need worrying about them before they arrived -- he should learn to live in the moment, to enjoy what he had while it was here.

He looped his arms around Ianto's neck, leaning against his lover and pressing his lips against that soft, warm mouth. "I know this is certainly going to be the best Christmas I've ever had," he murmured as Ianto's arms tightened around him.

Together, they would sweep away all the bad memories that he associated with this time of year -- and create new ones that he could look back on with a glow of happiness for the rest of his life, he thought as he let himself relax into his lover's embrace.

***