Title: The Next Life
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ianto Jones
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 40, Phoenix
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Ianto Jones, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

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Dear Doctor,

I feel as though I'm finally starting to get used to this new life of ours. It still fills me with wonder to realise what a great gift I've been given, that I'm immortal like Jack, but it doesn't scare me any more, even though I still feel a little apprehensive.

Rationally, I know how it happened. The Rift holds the secrets of time itself, and I was struck by a bolt of lightning from the Rift. The shock of the strike killed me -- but the essence of time that's there within the Rift brought me back and transferred part of itself into me.

And it's done the same to you, too, in a different way. You're used to being the proverbial phoenix rising from the ashes into a new body every time you've died in the past, but now, time is standing still for you. You'll be in this body, this beautiful body that you want to keep, for eternity.

I know that you're as happy about that as I am. One of my greatest fears, ever since we first found each other, is that when you had to regenerate into a new body, you wouldn't feel the same way about me. Now that fear has vanished as though it never existed.

I know that you would still be the same man, technically. But you would have a different personality; you've explained that to me so many times, but I still have a hard time understanding how you could be the same person and yet still be so different.

I've always wondered if the phoenix that rises from the ashes is just the same as the one that came before it. That phoenix looks the same on the outside, but it may have been irrevocably changed inwardly, in ways that no one can see.

You're the exact opposite, Doctor. You don't look the same on the outside, even though you retain all the memories that you've had all of your life, in all of your bodies. It's just hard for me to believe that a different man can still have the same feelings within him.

That fear that I've always had of losing you when you had to regenerate into a new body doesn't have to be in my mind any more. I know that you're going to still be in this body, along with all the emotions you have in it, forever. And I know that your feelings for me aren't going to change.

Of all the things about your regenerations, that's the one I've always been the most afraid of. Well, besides the fact that I would more than likely have to watch you die and then regenerate. I couldn't bear to watch you die, Doctor. I'd rather die myself.

I know that you would always come back, but just the thought of having to feel and see the life go out of you would destroy me. Especially when I thought that you would be coming back in a different body, as a different man -- and that our relationship could be changed forever.

It might be selfish of me to say that I'm glad those things have changed, but I am. I just hope that the next time you have to regenerate and it happens inwardly, you don't have to deal with any pain. I know that your transition into this body wasn't an easy one.

The last thing I want is for you to have to go through something like that again. I know you said that a good cup of tea can fix things right up, but I have to admit that I think there are limits to what tea can do, even though it is a marvelous restorative.

Every time I look at you, I can't help but be grateful for the fact that you weren't taken from me, and that I'm here with you now. Things could have so easily gone another way; we could have lost each other forever, or at least until we could meet again in another realm.

There was a time when I wondered what it was like to be immortal -- and a part of me envied Jack for being what he is. Now that I'm the same way, I can honestly say that it doesn't really feel any different. I feel the same; it's only the knowledge in my mind that's changed.

I don't feel as though I'm something special. I don't feel like a phoenix that's risen up from the ashes to spread its wings and fly away into a new life. I feel the same way that I did when I was just a human who was working with Torchwood, the glorified coffeeboy.

All right, so maybe I was more to the team than that -- but sometimes, it doesn't feel like I was. I still can't shake the feeling that they never looked at me as a full-fledged member of the team, and that I've done much more good in the world by being here with you.

I've certainly tried my best to do that, to be as much of a help to you as I possibly can. I know that there was a time when you didn't want me along with you because you were worried about my being harmed, but that worry can stay safely in the past now.

We've both risen from the ashes of what the Master had planned for us, like veritable phoenixes. That's something that you're used to doing, but it's a completely new experience for me. I'm still getting used to the idea that this is going to happen again and again.

I'm terrified of the first time it happens. I don't remember what it was like for that brief time that I was dead before I opened my eyes and found myself in your arms, looking up at you to see the tears running down your face and wondering why you were crying.

I don't know what it's going to be like when that happens again -- but at least I do know that I'll be coming back. Nothing could keep my soul away from yours, Doctor -- not even the prospect of the final moments that everyone has to experience, even immortals.

I'm sure that the two of us will walk into the next life one day, despite the immortality that we have now. And I'm absolutely sure that when we do, we'll rise in that new realm like phoenixes from the ashes of this one -- still together and still just as much in love as we are now.

Eternally yours,

Ianto

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