Title: NonStandard Stationery
By: Sphinxey
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Warning: slash, crackfic and mention of sex toys.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood. And this bunny is entirely my friends fault, she gave me the idea. Never listen to your friends at 3am, it's bad for your sanity.
Summary: Gwen finds something in the stationery cupboard she didn't expect.

***

Ianto had a bad feeling

Ianto had a bad feeling. He didn't question this feeling, as working for Torchwood had honed his intuitive sense of foreboding to a keen edge. Instead, he made extra strong coffee and made sure the whisky was in an easy to reach and find cupboard. It never hurt to be over prepared.

The week so far had been quiet. No alien invasions, just a small misunderstanding between a lively dog and a sentient tree which had been smoothed over quickly with a minimum of fuss. Quite boring really. So he supposed it was about time that something happened.

He went back to his paperwork. No sense in wasting time just because you are paranoid, if that was the right word. Maybe not. Unfortunately his feelings normally came true.

Gwen stared at the objects she had just found in the drawer below the paperclips in shock. They couldn't be… no, they had to be something else. She was just misunderstanding the situation, that's all. Until she lifted them out and saw what they were attached to.

"Ianto!"

Owen stared as Gwen emerged from the stationery cupboard, a strange expression on her face. She seemed uncertain whether she was amused or disgusted, and Owen immediately found himself backing away slightly. He'd learnt the hard way not to cross her when she was in this mood.

"Have you seen Ianto?" She asked, pleasantly enough, smile slightly forced as she looked at him.

"Um, yeh, he was in his office doing paperwork last time I saw him."

Gwen thanked him and turned to head up to the tourist office. As she went Owen shook her head. She couldn't have been holding what he thought she'd been holding. No, she couldn't have been. And yet, he'd been sure…

He got up from his desk and followed her.

Tosh was at her workstation when she saw Gwen storm past with a determined look on her face. She quickly closed the program she had running and put the translator to working on a new bit of alien language they'd found a few weeks before. With an excuse for why she wasn't at her desk firmly established she got up and followed her team-mate, only pausing to nod politely at Owen as he stepped up behind her at the doorway.

Ianto looked up from his desk at the sound of someone entering the back room. He blinked at Gwen as she emerged from behind the beaded fly guard, something dangling from her hand in a way that could only mean he was in trouble for something. Standing up he carefully manoeuvred his way around the desk, keeping the block of wood between himself and his irate looking co-worker.

"Ianto."

"Gwen. Can I help you with something?" His polite response was met with a frosty look. Over her shoulder he could see Tosh and Owen peering through the doorway in a way that immediately screamed they weren't meant to be there. He ignored them and focused on the woman in front of him.

"Yes actually, you can. You can explain why THIS" she held up the thing she had dangling from one finger "was in the stationery cupboard." Her tone held no room for evasiveness and Ianto just stared at the object in her hand. They'd thrown those away, he was sure of it. He'd put them in the bin himself, made sure they were hidden by other rubbish. So why did Gwen have them, and why did she claim to have found them in the stationery cupboard?

"It's, um, it's a little hard to explain."

Jack glanced up from the paperwork he had begrudgingly agreed to do to find that his team had vanished. Their computers were quietly winking their lights at the pterodactyl and Tosh's program was happily whirring away in the background, but their owner's had disappeared.

Jack set down his pen and rose to his feet. He liked a good mystery.

Gwen gave Ianto no mercy, staring at him with a hard glare. "Try." She waved the offending object in front of him. "I want to know EXACTLY why there was a pair of fake breasts attached to a harness in the stationery cupboard. And I want to know NOW."

Ianto gulped. He was normally very good with words, always knowing what to say and how to say it. But this, this was one thing he couldn't explain.

He didn't have to.

"They're mine." An American accent announced from the doorway. The outside doorway that led onto the street. Having encountered a traffic jam of employees at the inner door he'd gone round the back for a better view.

Gwen span around. "What?"

"They're mine. Made them a few months ago as a joke. Only wore them once, but oh, they were fun. Nothing better than having the best of both worlds at once." Jack leered playfully. "Always was a breast man. Or a legs man. Actually, I'm not fussy. But there's something nice about being pounded into the mattress and still having something soft to squeeze."

Gwen stared at him. Owen's mouth had hit the floor about halfway through Jack's speech and Tosh reached across and calmly pushed it up until his mouth was closed.

Ianto walked around the desk and let his lover wrap an arm around his waist. "Thank you," he murmured softly.

"No problem. Besides," Jack said, raising his voice a bit, "you look good in them." He grinned and then winced as Ianto's hand connected firmly with his shoulder. "Hey, what was that for?"

He sounded indignant. Ianto frowned at him. "Just tell them all why don't you?"

"I just did. Do I need to tell them again?" Ianto sighed. Sometimes it amazed him how Jack hadn't heard of common phrases and took them literally.

"It's a figure of speech. Means that I didn't want them to know."

"Oh. Sorry." He didn't look it but Ianto let him off. Instead of arguing with his lover he walked over to Gwen and claimed the harness back. "I'll just take this back then. And I'll find somewhere more appropriate than the stationery drawer to keep it."

Gwen shook herself out of her trance. "Thanks." She headed back towards the secret entrance, only slightly surprised to find Owen and Tosh there too. Herding them towards the doorway she glanced back over her shoulder.

"I don't want to know, OK? Just make sure you keep anything else in a place only you two go?"

As she disappeared she thought she heard Ianto mutter "Normally that would include the stationery cupboard," but decided she must have imagined it. Smiling slightly she headed back to her workstation. Time to see if she could find the stapler without encountering any more sex toys. Possible, but not necessarily certain. You never knew in Torchwood.

Ianto turned in Jack's arms, snuggling closer. "I didn't know you liked them so much," he murmured. "I'll have to find more ways of using them."

Jack stared at him in shock before his expression turned to lust. "I'll send the others home early. My place, clothing optional?"

Ianto smirked. "Define clothing?" He asked with a wink, holding up the harness with its pieces of moulded rubber. He sauntered out of the office leaving his boss behind, speechless. Oh yes, tonight would be fun.

***