Title: No Time To Lose
By: ACM a.k.a. Annie May
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Summary: AU. Jack and Ianto have a problem. Crackfic written to annoy my friends.

***

So here's an extremely stupid AU fic that I wrote without any real knowledge of the series, simply to annoy my friends. I will probably edit it later but I'm tired and it's finals week so I'm posting anyway.

"Quickly, everyone out of the way!"

A handsome dark-haired man rushed into the ER, carrying another brunette man in his arms. The man was unconscious but his face was screwed up with pain.

"Someone, please help him!" the man shouted with uncharacteristic panic.

"Sir, what seems to be the problem?" asked the nurse behind the desk.

"That's not important! Just help him!"

The nurse sighed with irritation then made a call. Within seconds two men appeared with a stretcher and took the smaller man away, pushing Jack aside.

Jack paced back and forth anxiously. How the hell had they ended up like this? What was going to happen? And what of the strange looks he would get? He was used to that, he supposed…Still, it concerned him a bit.

Finally, a doctor came out to speak to him. Jack nearly tackled the man but somehow regained his composure.

"How is he?"

"We're going to have to do emergency surgery…You wouldn't believe what we found on the X-ray…"

Jack nodded. He was sure he knew exactly what they had found on the X-ray. The doctor merely sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"This may take a while. Please have a seat in the waiting room."

With great agitation, Jack took a seat while the doctor returned to the ICU. Jack's heart beat quickly in his chest. For the first time in a long while, he was absolutely terrified.

After several hours and nearly a dozen cups of instant hot coffee, Jack was glad to see the doctor reemerge from the ICU.

"Well?" Jack asked nervously.

The doctor sighed as though bracing himself for what he was about to say. Jack gulped.

"What is it?" he begged to know.

"He seems to be alright now, but it will take several days of rest for him to finally recover. I'm sure I don't want to know why, but we were able to remove this from the rectum."

The doctor reached into the pocket of his coat and pulled out a plastic bag containing a small object. He placed it in Jack's hands, looking away in disgust, then disappeared back down the hallway.

Jack smirked, relieved.

Apparently there were some things one shouldn't do with a stopwatch.

***