Title: Out of the Past
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ianto Jones
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 50, Woods
Author's Note: Spoilers for the Torchwood episode Countrycide.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Ianto Jones, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

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Dear Doctor,

I feel much more comfortable now that we're back in the Tardis and there are four walls around me. I feel safer here than I ever have in any other place, even my own home. Though I do look at the Tardis as being my home now, of course.

Being here gives me a feeling of security that I've never had in any other place. There may have been a few awkward moments when I was first learning to adjust to living on a ship, especially one that's a living entity, but those are far in the past.

I'm still trying to get past my fear of being out in the country, but as our last little adventure attested to, I haven't managed to do that yet. I'm sorry that I made you cut the outing short, Doctor. But I couldn't deal with being there any longer.

I'd give anything in the world to be able to put that experience behind me, and not have any problems with camping out or being in the woods. But it's not that easy; that's something that may stay with me for the rest of my life, or at least for a very long time.

I don't want to feel that I'm always going to be scarred because of what happened, but that could very well be the case. I just don't want you to have to cope with fallout from it.

That isn't going to be possible, is it? Unless I learn to put that experience behind me, and get used to being out there amongst nature without jumping at every sound and shadow, you're going to have to deal with the results of that night.

There are times when I still wake up in the dead of night, feeling a scream rising from the back of my throat. I try not to wake you up when that happens -- the last thing I want is for you to be as disturbed by those nightmares as I am. It's my problem, not yours.

I can't even look at pictures of wooded areas without shuddering -- the trauma from that night may be buried in the back of my mind, but it's still there. Even when we're not on Earth, any kind of woodland in the country can bring back those memories.

I don't want to hold onto those memories. I want to be able to exorcise them, to put them so far into the past that they don't affect me any more. I've tried to do that, first with Jack during the brief time we were together, and now with you.

To be honest, when I was with Jack, I didn't try that hard to overcome those fears. I don't think it really worried him that I couldn't seem to get past them -- his first concern was for our sex life, not for any emotional trauma that I might be dealing with.

That's not to say that he didn't care about me. I know that he did. But it wasn't even close to the kind of love that you and I share. I couldn't possibly be.

You've tried so hard to help me past this problem, and I hate that I haven't been able to put it behind me. But it's more easily said than done, I'm afraid. Those images still come back into my head, as vivid as though it only happened yesterday.

Those images still have the power to make me shudder. Along with knowing what they intended to do to Tosh and myself, what I saw that night still ranks among the things that frighten me the most. And that's including some of what you and I have seen.

Do they frighten me more than the Master? I don't know, but I suppose that I'd have to say they do frighten me just as much as he does. I suppose the main reason they still loom so large in my memory is because of how alone I felt at the time.

Yes, I had my teammates, but after I tried to help Tosh get away, I knew that I was completely alone and at the mercy of those cannibals. I couldn't help but think that the rest of the team wouldn't get to me in time; I was sure that I was going to die there.

Those woods became the most frightening place that I could possibly be, even in broad daylight. I don't think that anyone who had ever lived through something like that could blame me for being afraid of them, but the trauma should have been past by now.

I suppose the reason it isn't is because I've never let myself fully deal with what happened. I've worked on pushing it into the back of my mind and keeping it there.

And because of the fact that I've tried to deny it, that's what makes the memories of that night come back so vividly. If I could simply delete them, like a file from a computer, my life would be so much easier. I only wish that I could.

I hate that you have to cope with the aftermath of that night. You deserve better than that, Doctor. You should have someone by your side who doesn't jump at the smallest sound any time the two of us have to go into a wooded area.

It's not just the woods, it's the countryside in general. I actually used to enjoy it; I used to like camping out, being able to curl up in a sleeping bag and look up at the night sky sprinkled with stars. But now .... that's one of my worst nightmares.

I don't want to say that I'll never get over it. I'm sure that one day, I'll be able to make my way out of the past. Or, if not completely get past the effects of that night, at least put them behind me to the point where I won't be terrified of anything that could come out of the darkness.

Everyone has things in their life that go bump in the night, their own private fears that they have to fight against and overcome. But I think this fear is quite a bit stronger than most, considering that I nearly died at the hands of cannibals. Not exactly a "normal" fear.

You've told me so many times that the trauma is something I can get past, and that you're going to keep trying to help me with that. I know you will, love.

I can't begin to put into words how grateful I am to you for that. I don't believe that anyone else who's ever been in my life would be so kind and so patient, and so understanding of the fact that it's going to take a while for me to face my fears.

You would argue that I've already faced them, and that now I have to concentrate on putting them into the past, where they belong. You're probably right about that, but there are times when I still feel that I'm cowering away from those fears rather than meeting them head-on.

With you beside me, I know that I'll eventually conquer those fears. No matter how hard it may be for me to do, I'll vanquish them, Doctor. I swear to you that there will come a day when I'll be able to spend time with you in the woods and not be jumpy and nervous.

There will come a night when we'll be able to lay outside, a soft breeze blowing over us, and look up at the stars, counting each and every one of them. It may take a while for that time to come, but I know that we'll both treasure it more for the long path we've had to travel to get there.

Love always,

Ianto

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