Title: Slow Poison
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 38, Poison
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

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Dear Jack,

Now that you're back on the Tardis again and you say that you aren't going to go back to Torchwood again, I'm feeling that there are things between us that need to be addressed and brought out into the open, to clear the air in every way.

Don't worry, that doesn't mean that I'm suddenly going to lay down a lot of rules that I expect you to follow to the letter! I've never been like that, and you know it. But there are still issue in our relationship that we both need to confront.

Even though I'm slowly getting used to the idea of being with you again, there's still a part of me that feels distant. Once trust has been broken, it's hard to rebuild, even though I know you're trying your best. I'm trying, too. And I hope that we'll get past this.

I love you -- that's something you've always known. It's not that I don't have feelings for you, or don't want to be with you. But there's still a part of me that can't quite trust you after the way you've walked away from me before -- and how you've cheated on me in the past.

I know that things are different now. Our relationship is stronger than it's ever been, and I know that being apart has made you realize that you don't want to be with anyone else. But that old saying about a leopard not being able to change its spots still comes to my mind.

You may not want to be with anyone else, Jack -- but can you really help yourself? Are you able to control your urges and realise that any time you even consider sleeping with someone else, it only drives a wedge between the two of us?

I don't want you to feel that you're making some sort of supreme sacrifice for me by being faithful. In the end, that's only going to make you resentful and unhappy -- and I know that if you walk away again, this time it will be for good. You won't come back.

Truth be told, I didn't expect you to come back this time. I thought that the two of us would be parted for the rest of our lives, and that you could never be happy with me. I had resigned myself to thinking that I wasn't enough for you and never would be.

But that way of thinking has been pushed aside now -- even though there's still a part of me that wonders if it isn't true. Those thoughts are like a slow poison moving through me, insidiously turning my mind to dark thoughts that I probably shouldn't even have.

I want to trust you, Jack. I want to feel that nothing is ever going to part us again, and that you're completely happy being with me. I want to feel that I'm enough to satisfy every desire you have, and that you won't ever think about being with anyone else.

There are probably quite a lot of people in the world who would say that's selfish of me, that it's only sex, and that no one person is meant to find a love that lasts forever. But I reject that kind of thinking. It's only an excuse to satisfy a fleeting desire, nothing more.

That used to be your way of life, Jack, and I never agreed with it. I was always afraid that you were going to sleep with the wrong person, and that you would end up being hurt physically in some way. And I'll admit it -- there were times when I wanted it to happen.

Do you have any idea of how much it hurts to know that you're not enough for your lover? Of course you don't, because you never stopped to think about how anyone else felt. You were only out to satisfy your own desires, without a care in the world for anyone else's.

I'm not saying that I think you were a horrible person. I couldn't have fallen in love with you if I'd thought of you in that way. But you were thoughtless and careless, not acknowledging that anyone else had emotions, much less caring how they felt.

You've changed a lot, Jack. I know you have. You aren't that same thoughtless person who only thinks about yourself now. You're taking how I feel into consideration, and I know that you're trying hard to be the man I've always wanted you to be. I appreciate that.

I just hope that being the man I want also means being who you want to be. I don't want you to feel that you're obligated to be faithful to me. If that's how you feel, then you shouldn't be with me at all. You should leave again, and this time, you should never look back.

Would either of us ever be happy without the other? I sincerely doubt it. But if you're not happy being with me, if I'm not enough for you and if you're always going to want something more, then you shouldn't be with me, even if that would make me happy.

That slow poison hasn't stopped seeping through me, Jack. I don't want it to be there, but it is, and I can't simply open a vein and drain it out of my system like blood. I can't help thinking that the poison will always be there, that it's always going to be a part of how I see you.

I don't want that. I want all of our emotions to be out in the open, for us to address those pent-up feelings, discuss them, and move past the discontent and the mistrust. I want everything in our relationship to be open, honest, and crystal-clear.

There shouldn't be any sort of poison in our relationship this time around. It's part of what tore us apart the last time, and I don't want it to happen again. I want this time around for us to be open and honest; I'm not going to hide anything, and I don't want you to, either.

If you're not happy with me, I want to know it. I don't want you to feel that you're forced into a situation that you don't want to be in. I'll let you go if that's what I have to do for you to be happy, Jack. I love you enough for that, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness.

I hope it won't come to that. But if there's any doubt in your mind as to whether you can be faithful to me, it needs to end here, Jack. I hate to say that, but that's how it is. I won't accept being cheated on again. It happened far too many times in the past.

This is really up to you, love. I'll accept whatever choice you make. And if you decide that I'm not enough for you, if you feel that you have to walk away from me to be happy, then I won't hold it against you. I would rather have you happy apart from me than miserable in our relationship.

I don't want that slow poison to invade our lives again, even though it feels as if the threat of it is there, ready to insinuate itself into our lives. If we're going to have a life together this time around, I want it to be free of any misconceptions.

I'm leaving this letter where you can read it, and I hope that you take it to heart. I'll be waiting for your answer, Jack. Whatever that answer is, I'll accept it. I can only hope that whatever your answer is, it will be one that both of us can be happy with in the long run.

Always your

Doctor

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