Title: Private Emotion
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, 50ficlets
Prompt: 36, Break
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Ianto sighed as he looked over at the Doctor; the other man was huddled beneath the covers of their bed, his eyes closed, shivering slightly. He'd seen the Time Lord upset before, but he'd never seen him broken to this extent.

The Doctor had warned him about this, of course. He'd known that the anniversary of the day that Gallifrey had been destroyed would be a bad day for them both, but this was worse than he'd expected -- and there was nothing that he could do to help.

His lover had explained to him quietly and calmly that he needed to have time alone, to grieve for his lost home in his own way. Ianto respected that; he understood that grief could be a private emotion, and he didn't want to intrude on the other man.

But once he had come into the room to check on the Doctor, to make sure that he was all right, he'd been unable to make himself leave. The look of pain and devastation on his lover's features had held him in thrall; he hadn't been able to move for several long minutes.

It was as though the Doctor's pain and grief were reaching out to him, wrapping hazy, unseen tendrils around him, invading his own senses. He could almost </i> the sense of devastation that the Doctor did, the helplessness, the pain of loneliness and abandonment.

He hadn't expected this, not at all. He'd known that the emotional bond he shared with the Time Lord made him susceptible to the Doctor's moods; his lover was even more sensitive to his emotions, given his heightened mental abilities.

Ianto had known that the Doctor could break; he'd seen this man cry before, held him and comforted him while he sobbed. But this was different from the other times that he'd seen his lover crumble; the brutality of his emotions was frightening.

It was as though the Doctor had given himself over completely to his grief, as though he had allowed all that he felt to pour out in one gigantic wave. Ianto had never seen him so utterly immersed in his emotions; he'd never thought that the Time Lord could break like this.

The young man rose from the chair he was sitting in, moving towards the bed where the Doctor lay, his steps hesitant. He'd been told to let his lover get through this on his own -- but he couldn't stand by and watch the suffering of the man he loved.

If the Doctor told him to back away, he would. But he would do so slowly, and with hesitation. No one should have to go through this kind of pain on their own, he told himself, reaching out a slightly trembling hand as he approached the bed and knelt beside it.

"Doctor." His voice was soft as he reached out to brush a few errant strands of hair back from the Time Lord's face. "I know this is a personal grief for you, but please .... let me help. Let me at least hold you. I can't stand to see you like this."

The Doctor started to shake his head; Ianto was almost sure that the other man would turn over and face the wall. But he didn't; instead, he looked up at Ianto with such sorrow in his gaze that the young man could feel tears sting his eyes.

"I didn't want you to see me break," the Time Lord whispered, his voice hoarse. Ianto couldn't tell if that hoarseness was from tears, or something else -- but whatever might have caused it, he wanted to banish that pain to some faraway place where it couldn't hurt the Doctor.

"It's not going to make me love you any less," Ianto murmured, moving to sit down on the bed and pull the other man into his arms. He'd expected some resistance, but the Doctor leaned against him, burying his face against Ianto's shoulder.

"I know," the Doctor said, not lifting his head from Ianto's shoulder. "But I .... I don't like to let anyone see me break down. It feels as though I'm letting them down -- just as I let my people down." The last words were barely audible; they sounded more like a sob than like words.

"You didn't let them down, Doctor," Ianto said softly, stroking his lover's hair. "You did what you had to do -- and no one would blame you for that. I think Gallifrey knew that you were doing what you felt was right. They wouldn't blame you."

"That doesn't stop me from blaming myself." The Doctor's words were whispered, the voice that uttered them full of a pain that Ianto couldn't even begin to fathom. All that he could do was hold his lover in his arms, and try to ease that pain with his love and support.

Seeing the Doctor break like this was the most harrowing experience he'd ever been through in his life, Ianto thought to himself, closing his eyes. He just hoped that this would be the only reason he ever had to witness it -- and that nothing would happen to break the Time Lord in any other way.

***